8 







Book ' ': 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



/ 

PRICE, 50 CENTS. 




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@^*S>^S>£>®®®®®e> 



"Know ye not who would be free 
themselves must strike the blow. BYRON. 





Gate City Book and Novelty Company, $ 




OMAHA. NEB. 



PRICE, 50 CENTS. 




TWENTY YEARS 



FAKIR 



BY 



S. ). W, 




Gate City Book and Novelty Company, 
Omaha, Ne^, 



TWO COPIES RECEIVED, 

Library of Con*re«% 
U'flcaoftfc. 

APR 18 1900 

BegUtor of C«pyrigju % 



56789 



Copyrighted 1899, 
by 

THE GATE GITY BOOK AND NOVELTY CO.. 

Omaha, Neb. 



6EC0ND COPY. 






CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER I. 

Starting Out — Becoming Ambitious — Leaving 
Home — Hotel Porter — Card Business — Light- 
ning Rod Agent — Traveling Men — The Acci- 
dent. 

CHAPTER II. 
Busted — Soap Signs — Walking — The Two 
Actors — Free Theatres — Jumping Bills — The 
Other Fakir — Pen Schemes — Street Talk — The 
Friendly Haystack. 

CHAPTER III. 
Meeting Prof. Carter — The Music Scheme — ■ 
Flowers and Novelties — The Ladies — The Soap 
Racket — Street Gags and Jokes — The Sinking- 
Vessel. 

CHAPTER IV. 
The .Contemptible Piano Tuner — The Bio- 
graphical Write-up Fake— The Flattered Black- 
smith. 



CHAPTER V. 
Fakir. Maxims — A Happy Meeting — Auction 
Business — Talk and Auction Gags — The Boy 
Auctioneer — Parting with Prof. Carter. 

CHAPTER VI. 
Getting onto Scheme Goods — Frightening the 
Ladies — Trick at Church Fair — Street Work — 
The Catchy Little Look-backs, and Giving Them 
Away — The Horse and the Loaf of Bread Trick 
— Handling Microscopes. 

CHAPTER VII. 
The Museum Scheme and the Six Widows — 
Traveling Without Paying Railroad Fare — Liv- 
ing on Free Lunches — At a Low Ebb — The Ani- 
mated Chocolate Drop — Old Auntie from Smoky 
Row — The Corn Doctor — The Excited Mob — ■ 
Not Only Broke, but Dead-broke — The Letter 
from Home — Getting Out of Town. 

CHAPTER VIII. 
The New Doctor and Professional Grafter- 
Medicine Fake — The Electric Battery and Money 
^-Fun with Crowd in the Street — Selling Pipes 



and Giving Watches Away — Fooling the Farm- 
ers — The Circus, Turnips and the Elephant — 
Working the Hotel Landlords. 

CHAPTER IX. 

Side Lines and Schemes of Various Kinds — ■ 
The Glass Pen — Pie Scheme Choked Off — Sell- 
ing Notions from Wagon — Fighting the Railroad 
Bonds — Forced to Leave Town — Legislated Out 
of Business — A Warning and the Escape — The 
Accident — The Penny Raffling Scheme. 

CHAPTER X. 

Catching Suckers — Biting Myself — The Hos- 
pital Nurse and Mail Order Schemes — Working 
Saloon Men on Bible Racket. 

CHAPTER XI. 
The Portrait Business — Tricks of the Trade — 
The Band and Hall Plan — Excitement and Joke 
at Voting Contest — The Frame Scheme. 

CHAPTER XII. 
Tricks in Delivering and Collecting — The 
Stingy Landlord and the Prunes— Day Board 



$3-00 per Week—Drummers $2.00 per Day — 
The Elopement. 

CHAPTER XIII. 

Working the Saloon Keeper for an Extra Five 
— Alone Again — Arrested — Fighting the License 
— Sick — The Insurance Scheme — The Wheel and 
Cigar Dodge — The Stage Hold-up — The Horse 
Doctor and Cholera — Cigars, Two for a Nickel — 
Making a Preacher Swear. 

CHAPTER XIV. 
Temperance Town and Cold Tea Racket — 
Busted Again — Money Making Schemes — The 
Shoemaker Couldn't Sleep — Going Back to Street 
Work — The Fifty Thousand Dollar Money De- 
ception — Jewelry Packages to Be Used Any Old 
Way — Some More Street Jokes — A Watch and 
Chain for Twenty-five Cents. 

CHAPTER XV. 
Selling Musical Instruments — Trickery and 
Deception — Looking for Something New — Sell- 
ing the Roaster — The Canvass. 



CHAPTER XVI. 

Selling Bibles — Selling Books — What Was 
Said — Working the Customers — Curiosity — 
Public Meetings and Library Clubs. 

CHAPTER XVII. 

Adding to Bank Account — Looked Better, Felt 
Better and Was Better — Selling Encyclopedias — 
Complete Canvass — Tricky and Persistent — Ad- 
vertising Schemes — Tricks of the Present Day — 
Disguises — How Different Business Men Were 
Worked — Strategy. 

CHAPTER XVIII. 

Rebuffs and Insults — The Lawyer, the Doctor 
and the Coon — Avoiding a License — Working 
the City Marshal — Jokes with the Milliner- 
Banking Twelve Thousand Dollars. 

CHAPTER XIX. 

The Real Estate Fake — Booming a Town — 
Making a Fortune — Tricks of Other People — All 
This World Is a Fake and Every Person in It a 



Fakir — The Politician and the Widow — A Dia j 
mond Ring for Two Cents. 



CHAPTER XX. 

Married and Settled Down — Retired and 
Happy — A Dip in the Lake — The World Is 
Round and Wide — Farewell. 




TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 



INTRODUCTION. 

The old adage, "An open confession is good for 
the soul," has no bearing on my case. I did not 
write this book to ease my conscience ; but of my 
own free will, for my own amusement — and for 
yours, too, I trust. I am going to tell you how I 
made my money. 

I will acknowledge in the outset that I was a 
fakir of the fakirs, a Simon-pure article. Today I 
occasionally run across an old acquaintance, who 
greets me with an admonishing grin, and the 
apostrophe, "Look at the airs he puts on now; 
and I can remember when he hadn't two dimes to 
rub together.' ' t ^ 

Yes, my friend, your memory serves you right, 
but now I have my compensations. I can take my 
ease among the luxuries of a comfortable home; 
I can lean back on the cushions of a brougham, as 



neat a turnout as you will see on the Central Park 
drive; I can occupy a box at the opera, or finger 
my bank-book, in which the figures are com- 
fortable, and the balance on the right side. 

It was ambition for wealth which drove me out 
in the world, to look about and hustle; and I ac- 
knowledge freely that hustle I did, in the fullest 
sense of the term. 

What have I done? 

Rather, what have I not done along the lines of 
a fakir's avocation? I believe at various times I 
have handled everything sold on the road. In giv- 
ing you the arguments and^ methods employed in 
my different canvasses I have drawn solely from 
actual experience and observation, and endeavored 
as explicitly as possible to show how I overcame 
every obstacle and objection, and attained a flat- 
tering degree pf success. 

For obvious reasons, an accredited fakir would 
stand no show in running for public office; but 
he runs for everything else in sight, and allows the 
public offices to take care of themselves. In gen- 



eral, he is a happy-go-lucky chap, who sleeps with 
one eye open, and dreams of 200 per cent, profits. 
He is a solid, windy bluff ; an unscrupulous, hon- 
est trader; a rollicking, sober fellow; a truthful 
prevaricator; a generous absorber of money; a 
free dispenser of advice; a necessary adjunct to a 
circus, and not always thrown away at a church 
fair. He is the profitable terror of the hotel pro- 
prietor, the mash of the same proprietor's daugh- 
ters, and the life of a friendly game of draw; 
always ready to shovel snow in July, or mow a 
blue grass lawn in January, if he can, as he cer- 
tainly will, make his account out of such occupa- 
tion. To summarize, he is a bundle of contradic- 
tions — easy, yet hard to understand; overflowing 
with the milk of human kindness, but profes- 
sionally hard as rocks. In the way of business, no 
game is too high or too low for him to fly at or 
swoop down upon. 

The life of a fakir is not easy sailing. He 
strikes many a stumbling block along the road, 
and is hampered by many a disadvantage. He 



can have no continuous abiding place. He must 
move with the tide, and shift his operations from 
day to day. The business of this week will be the 
reminiscence of next. New fields, new customers, 
new fakes ; for these he must be constantly on the 
alert, and work them to the most extreme limit. 
While on the road he is practically a citizen with- 
out a country and a man without a home. 

This book is not launched upon the sea of public 
approval as a literary gem. It is merely an expose 
of the tricks and triumphs of twenty years of suc- 
cessful faking", and as such, without more words 
of explanation, allow me to present it. 

The Author. 



dk 



CHAPTER I. 



STARTING OUT. 

Becoming Ambitious — Leaving Home — 
Hotel Porter — Card Business — Lightning 
Rod Agent — The Accident — Twelve Glasses 
of Water. 

I was born in the good old State of Illinois, my 
birthplace being on a farm just twenty miles out 
of Chicago. Here I lived until I was eighteen 
years of age. My father was fairly well fixed as 
a farmer and gave me as good an education, both 
classical and musical, as a country resi- 
dence could afford. In those early days 
of my life the western half of the 
United States was virtually in its infancy, and 
all around me, in whatever direction the eye might 
turn, new enterprises were being launched with a 
view to the envelopment of the country, Reading 



14 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

of these created a desire on my part to see some of 
them, and perhaps take my humble part in the 
great work of building up the new side of the 
nation. j 

One day I would read of a new railroad build- 
ing here; another day of a new town starting 
there. Fresh sections of the country were being 
opened up, with hundreds of channels and oppor- 
tunities for making money. The glowing descrip- 
tion of a hundred new Meccas, given by their 
sanguine projectors, worked my curiosity to a 
very high tension, and the more I thought of them 
the stronger grew my desire to get out in the 
world and see, and before I fairly knew it my 
mind was made up. 

For eighteen long years (pleasant ones I must 
confess) I had lived on the farm, and had never 
so much as ridden on a railroad train. No won- 
der I thought it high time to get out and see with 
my own eyes what was going on in this great, 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 15 

round world, looking meantime for the niche in 
it which I was to fill. 

One day I told father of my desires and inten- 
tions. He ridiculed my ideas, and, when that was 
of no avail, tried solid argument. He showed me 
that farming was an honorable and sure profes- 
sion, and the life of the farmer one that was both 
pleasant and independent. He went on to say 
that if I remained with him I would grow up to 
be a respected citizen, and eventually become 
owner of the farm. If I aspired to political honors 
I could obtain almost anything I wanted. I could 
be a member of the district school board. At 
some later day I might be township trustee, or 
even reach the sublime position of a county com- 
missioner. 

But, no. The seed had been sown, and it was 
too late to pull up the sprouted plant. I wanted 
to travel and see something of the world. I was 
determined to have experience with and insight 
into the rugged, rough and rapid side of life — 



16 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

and I got it. I was just burning up with enthusi- 
asm. I desired to move around, to expand, to go 
out and "hustle," and grow rich myself, if I 
could. 

I confess I hated to leave my parents and the 
good old home, though the conversation with my 
father showed me that his opposition would not 
be extreme. I lingered around for several days, 
unwilling to declare my positive intention, but 
awaiting some favorable opportunity and good 
excuse to cut loose from the ties of home. 

Both came. I went out one day with father to 
build a shed for the chickens, and an argument 
arose as to the best way of proceeding. He wanted 
his way; I wanted mine. The controversy con- 
tinued until father got mad and shoved me aside, 
calling me a d — fool. 

It was the nearest approach to swearing I had 
ever heard him make. My chance had come. 
Picking up my coat, and facing my worthy lord, I 
said ; 



twenty Years a fakir. i? 

"Dad, I have the honor, sir, of being your son." 

With that I returned to the house. Three days 
later I left the farm. 

On the morning of my departure I embraced 
my dear old mother and my sister, and accom- 
panied by my father drove into "town." We 
stopped at a place then known as lower State 
Street. 

We conversed together for some minutes, he 
giving me the usual, good, fatherly advice, with a 
"God bless you, my son," etc. At last he turned 
to go, and as he did so slipped a twenty dollar 
bill into my hand, while I could see the tears start- 
ing in his eyes at what seemed to him almost an 
eternal parting. I watched the going of the good 
old man as far as I could see him, and those were 
the most unpleasant moments of my whole life. I 
believe, had I possessed the nerve, I would have 
taken the first wagon I could find going that way 
and returned home. 

I was in for it, however, and having decided in 



. IS TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

my mind that I had to stick it out, this feeling soon 
wore off in the light of the strange sights and 
stranger fancies inspired in a pedestrian tour 
through the heart of Chicago. 

My first desire was to become somewhat ac- 
quainted with the city. I was not yet worrying 
about "a job," for I had plenty of money in my 
pocket. Including the twenty dollars given me 
by father, my store of wealth reached the almost 
fabulous amount of one hundred dollars, and I 
had a strong suspicion that before that could give 
out I would become a millionaire. 

Being from the country, everything looked 
grand to me. I bought every fake that was in 
sight, and took in everything that came along. 
For days the revelry was high. Side-shows and 
museums charmed me. I listened to the patter of 
the street venders, allowing myself to be "worked" 
by every one of them. I patronized liberally the 
street musicians, and even dropped a little coin 
with the fortune tellers. For a time I lived in this 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 19 

kind of a fool's paradise. Then I retired to my 
room and took an account of stock. 

I found I had bought numerous kinds of soap, 
many bottles of cologne, and fewer of medicine 
that would cure every ailment ever heard of on 
earth. I had tin whistles galore, and all the use- 
less knick-knacks under the sun. 

I also had three dollars and eighty cents in cash. 
When this balance was struck I understood that it 
was time for serious work to begin. I threw 
away the whole batch of impracticable accumula- 
tions and began to hunt round for something 
to do. 

After "looking around" all day, and meeting 
with many rebuffs, I succeeded in getting a job in 
a hotel as a sort of all-round rustler. 

Being a strong country lad the heavy work all 
fell to my share ; and I want to tell you right now 
that before the second day was over I fully real- 
ized what it was to be away from home, and 
thrown out into the world upon my own resources, 



20 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

I was made to handle heavy baggage, carry water 
and coal, and do a thousand other things for 
which my main capacity was strength and awk- 
wardness. 

I was guyed by every one and given nicknames 
of every sort. Some would call me "Sport;" 
others, "Snipes," "Jiggers," "His Nibs," while all 
ordered me around as if I were really and truly a 
nobody, instead of the son of a well-to-do farmer 
not over twenty miles away. 

I slept in a large inside room upstairs with the 
rest of the male help, which was all packed in to- 
gether, colored, white and all. The other boys 
took it good naturedly, and I was forced to. My 
salary was the enormous sum of two dollars and 
fifty cents a week, which was increased a little by 
the "tips" I occasionally received. Unfortunately 
for me, the boys around the hotel taught me how 
to shoot dice, play poker and seven-up, and even 
fiip-aKhe-crack* At none of these games was I 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 21 

a success, and at the end of the month it was a cer- 
tainty that I would be "busted." 

After a few months of this I was brought to my 
senses, however, and decided to quit the hotel 
business, since, for me, there was no money in it, 
and little prospect of promotion. 

Traveling men had patronized the hotel quite 
liberally, and I had always marked them as a lot of 
jolly, happy-go-lucky fellows, whose every pocket 
seemed to be lined with gold. Ah, if I could only 
be one of them and get on the road! If some 
house would furnish me a line of samples and start 
me out, then I, too, could wear good clothes, have 
plenty of money, order some poor fools around in 
the way I had been ordered, and perhaps make my 
mark in the world. I thought then that the only 
man in the world was the drummer (and I think 
so yet for that matter). 

Unfortunately, try as I might, I found no way 
to break into the ranks. The managers of every 

wholesale house I went to laughed at me* When 



22 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

I asked for a position the jobber would always in- 
quire who I had been with and what I was doing 
at present. When I answered that I was first as- . 
sistant porter and commander-in-chief of the 
water and coal conveying department of the Rob- 
ber Roost Hotel, they would smile and say, "No, 
my son; I'm sorry, but I can't do anything for you 
today." You see, I had neither experience, repu- 
tation nor references. 

In addition to my personal explorations I 
scanned the want columns of the daily papers, in 
the hope of finding something which would suit 
my case. One day I read the following ad. : 

"Wanted — A young man to canvass and sell 
our new line of calling cards. Every lady wants 
them and buys them on sight. Large sample out- 
fit free. $15.00 per week easily made." 

To make a long story short, I called at once 
and made arrangements with the firm to sell call- 
ing cards. In this way I received my first real 



Ttymfr YEARS A FAKIR. && 

start in life, and was initiated into the ranks of 
Fakirdom. 

The nature of my arrangement with the card 
firm amounted to about this. They were to fur- 
nish samples, I was to solicit orders, collect cash 
as the order was taken, turn over half of the 
money to them, keeping the other half myself, and 
they were to fill orders as soon as possible. 

Well, I started out the following morning, and 
I'll never forget that day as long as I live. I went 
clear to the outskirts of the city and rang my first 
door bell. 

The lady of the house answered in person, and 
when she faced me I had neither nerve nor cour- 
age to explain my business. I began to grow red 
in the face and nervous. I weakly asked for a 
glass of water, which I drank, and then departed. 
I had the same experience at the next house, and 
after drinking twelve glasses of water went back 
to my room, disgusted with myself and everybody 
else. 



24 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

In the afternoon I screwed my courage up a 
few notches higher and went out again, with the 
determination to do or die. I knew I had a fine 
line of cards, and the boss told me they would sell 
themselves. I vowed that at least they should 
have a chance. I showed them to a few ladies, and 
finally succeeded in taking my first order, for 
twenty-five cents. With that I felt encouraged, 
and went after them right. I did one dollar and 
twenty cents worth of business that afternoon, 
making sixty cents for .myself. Just think of it. 
A man in the heart of Chicago, with his fortune 
all to make, and after walking his legs off all day, 
coming in at night with sixty cents as his portion, 
and board to pay out of it at that. 

But the ice had been broken; the plunge had 
been made, and I was proud and happy over the 
result. I stuck to the card business for some 
months, finally getting so I could make from one 
to two dollars a day at it. 

One day I chanced to fall into conversation 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 25 

with a lightning rod agent, who had taken a room 
in the house where I boarded. In a short time 
we struck up quite a friendship, and he proposed 
that I should travel with him. In consideration 
of my services, which would be only in helping 
him put up the rods, he agreed to pay all my ex- 
penses, teach me the business, and allow me to sell 
calling cards on the side. 

I accepted, and here let me say that I never fully 
realized what a truly typical lightning rod agent 
was until I started out with this man. I had 
heard of them, and remembered that my father 
was trimmed up to the tune of a couple of hundred 
dollars by one, but I never understood the breadth 
of intellect, fertility of resource and depths of 
trickery displayed in the legitimate pursuit of this 
vocation until I had obtained an inside view of the 
game. 

I traveled with Mr. Carlysle for a long while, 
working the country, and the towns as we passed 
through them. As this is to. be largely a record ot 



26 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

my own personal performances, I shall not give 
the details of this trip, except that I learned all 
that was going, which was a great deal. At the 
end of it we were on our way to Davenport, Iowa. 
I was getting tired of the business, and intended 
to quit when we reached that destination. I had 
twenty-three dollars in cash to show for my seven 
months' work, and figured on fixing myself up a 
little and looking for a job. I could not travel and 
sell calling cards exclusively, since there was not 
enough in it to justify the expense, and I thought 
it high time for me to look around for some 
broader and more profitable field. 

Just as we got within a mile of the city our 
horse shied at a runaway team and Mr. Carlysle 
was thrown out of the wagon, run over, and both 
legs broken. He was taken into the city; and 
hotel, doctor and medicine bills broke us both as 
flat as anything you ever saw. 

I tried to get a job, but could not find a thing. 
I was known as the lightning rod agent's friend. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 27 

and no one would have me at any price. It seemed 
as though every one there had a dread, or horror, 
of a lightning rod man and all his belongings. 
Mr. Carlysle was taken to the charity hospital, 
while I was turned out of the hotel to hustle the 
best I could. 

Just imagine ! There I was, a perfect stranger, 
not knowing a soul, hundreds of miles from home, 
without a cent in my pocket, and unable to get a 
thing to do. 

Should I become a tramp, begging at back 
doors for handouts of broken victuals; or would 
it be best to starve and be done with it? One way 
or the other, it looked as though these questions 
would soon have to be settled. 




CHAPTER II. 



Busted — Soap Signs — Walking — The Two 
Actors — Free Theatres — Jumping Bills — ■ 
The Other Fakir — Pen Scheme — Street 
Talk — The Friendly Haystack. 

Every man who has ever rustled on the road has 
had his experiences with that peculiar disease 
known as shortness of cash. I believe I have been 
"busted" more times than any other man on earth; 
and I am sure that the disease never elsewhere 
struck me with half the stunning force then it did 
when adrift and alone in the streets of Davenport. 

It was positively my first experience of the kind. 
At home it was nothing strange to have an empty 
pocket from one week's end to another; but what 
of that? Board was free, and a roof-tree over- 
head, while the paternal pocket was ready to re- 
spond to any demands within reason. In Chicago 
my finances had been perilously near to low water 
mark, but that needed to cause no uneasiness. A 



TWENTY YEARS A EAK1U, 2fl 

walk of a day and I could be feasting on the fatted 
calf. 

But to be stranded in Davenport was a different 
matter. I remember, in the midst of my troubles, 
there popped into my head an old couplet, learned 
in my days at the public school : 
''Take heart, nor of the laws of fate complain; 
Though now it be cloudy, it will clear up again." 

With that in my mind I took on a moral brace 
and marched down the street, willing to meet fate 
half way, and looking for something to do that 
might show a profit, however small. 

I found it. 

Had I not been cut out by nature, and the spe- 
cial design of Providence for the vocation which 
I have so successfully followed, it is more than 
likely I would have sat down, with my head on my 
hands, and wept. I confess I felt like it for a mo- 
ment. When I had resolutely thrust such weak- 
ness out of my mind, and taken a calmer view of 
the situation; I saw a glimmer of light ahead. 



SU TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

A miserably written placard in a store window 
furnished the inspiration. 

In my early school days if there was any one 
thing I excelled in it was penmanship, and with 
decent opportunity, and a propulsion in such di- 
rection, I might have made a fair draughtsman, or 
a very decent sign painter. Whether I would have 
made a fortune or not is another question. 

At this moment of distress I remembered some 
"work" I had seen done in Chicago by a traveling 
"artist," and that for the sake of amusement I had 
tried my hand at it for an hour. I went back to 
the hotel, and begged or borrowed a piece of soap. 
Then I worked store after store for sign work, 
promising to put up a magnificent one on each 
window, done in soap froth, for the inconsiderable 
sum of ten cents. 

The thing was new to the most of them, and 
perhaps curiosity helped me. I was curious my- 
self to know what I could do; and am not sure 



TV/ENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 31 

whether I was glad or sorry when the first mer- 
chant told me to fall to work. 

But at it I went. A dozen strokes gave me con- 
fidence, and half a dozen jobs gave me skill. I 
made one dollar during the rest of the day, and 
two and a half the next. I lived on crackers and 
cheese the whole time, and cleaned the windows of 
a livery barn for permission to sleep in the office. 
The third day I had apparently exhausted the 
field, business fell off, and I determined to leave 
the town. 

First, I went to the hospital, to take leave of 
Mr. Carlysle, and tried to force on him a share of 
my earnings. He refused, as at present he was 
well taken care of, and expected a small remit- 
tance in a few days, when he hoped to be suffi- 
ciently recovered to leave the city and attend to 
some business which would probably net him a 
little money. Bidding him good-bye, I slung my 
budget on my back and took to the ties, without 
any fair idea of where I was going or what I 



32 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

should do. I had a cash capital of three or four 
dollars in my pocket, and the art of making soap- 
foam signs at my fingers' ends. I had also heard 
of a pressing want for laborers in a construction 
gang which was working on an intersecting rail- 
road, and if the worst came to the worst I was 
able to handle a shovel or pick against the best of 
them. I was not brought up on a farm for nothing. 

The sign business stayed with me fairly well. 
Even the smallest towns were willing to pay for 
an exhibition of my skill, and hard times soon de- 
veloped a faculty for economical living. I cleared 
my expenses, at least, and some days did a trifle 
more. Of course, this was better than nothing, 
but was not satisfactory to my ambition. At such 
a rate fortune was a long way off, and it seemed 
to me the time was about ripe for something else, 
even though it should turn out to be no better. 

When I once began to look about me it was not 
long before the something else turned up. I fol- 
lowed the railroad track, to make sure of good 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 33 

walking, and on the ties one morning I fell in with 
a couple of actors, whose finances were even at a 
lower ebb than mine. They were all-round variety 
people, and had their musical instruments with 
them, but there was not a cent of money in the 
whole outfit. 

It did not take long for us to fraternize, espe- 
cially as I carried a store of cold victuals which, 
at a pinch, might serve as a lunch for all of us. At 
noon we stopped at a spring in the shade of the 
woods, and, after making a moderate meal, put 
our heads together in a consultation as to the 
future. 

The men were somewhat acquainted with this 
part of the country, and spoke of a small town a 
short distance ahead, where a hall could be ob- 
tained at a very moderate expense. We decided, 
if possible, to arrange for the use of this hall on 
sharing terms, and give a grand, free entertain- 
ment, to be interspersed with a collection. 

We all "managed" the venture. By this time 



34 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

I had rubbed off quite a large percentage of the 
moss with which I was ornamented when first 
making my entrance into public life, and had wit 
enough to conceal a total ignorance of the show 
business and its possibilities. We arranged for 
the hall, on the percentage plan, and advertised 
ourselves by a little playing and singing on the 
street, an occasional blast from the horn that one 
of the party could really use in a rather creditable 
manner, and an announcement which I made at 
the top of my voice, and as near after the manner 
of a side-show "blower," as I knew how : 

"Free entertainment this evening at eight thirty, 
at Bixley's Hall Fun by the barrel and music by 
the cord. Singing and dancing by the world re- 
nowned Milton Brothers, and an afterpiece that 
will split your side. Leave your buttons at home 
if you don't want them busted ; and don't get your 
measure taken for a new suit of clothes until the 
show is over. You are bound to laugh and grow 
fat" 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 35 

This, and other nonsense, I howled out at the 
top of my voice, and before I had been at it a quar- 
ter of an hour "the Milton Brothers" wanted to 
know with what show I had last been hitting the 
road. They had a curiosity to know who else was 
stranded. You may be certain I did not give my- 
self away, and yet I returned a fairly satisfactory 
answer. 

Had we charged even a nickel I doubt if we 
could have drummed up the skeleton of an audi- 
ence; but for a free entertainment — it was im- 
mense. The people came in crowds, and re- 
sponded nobly when the "deacon" passed the hat. 

There is all the difference in the world in towns 
and the crowds you gather in them. This crowd 
was willing to be amused, came to be amused, and 
had made up its mind not to be disappointed. 
They were with us from start to finish, and when 
we "counted up the house" found the collection 
amounted to within a fraction of twenty dollars. 
After paying for the hall, and some little inci- 



36 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

dental expenses, we had remaining about three 
dollars and a half apiece, and a large stock of con- 
fidence in the future. 

That party was a wise one in its day and gener- 
ation. The weather was delightful, the roads 
good, the moon near to full ; for these reasons, and 
others, we took a promenade after the show was 
out. In other words, we saved the expense of a 
hotel bill, and went on to the next town, getting 
what rest we wanted in a friendly haystack along 
the road. While the Milton Brothers' combina- 
tion lasted we paid the hotels less money, and 
lived better, than I had thought possible. We had 
generally got in too late for dinner, and an order 
for supper was enough to insure the moral support 
of the landlord. Probably he was disappointed 
that he did not see the color of our money, but 
that was no matter. 

The business was grand while it lasted, and I 
continued to be a showman for some time. We 
went from town to town, walking when the dis- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 37 

tance was not too great, riding in 
box-cars sometimes, giving entertainments 
similar to the first, occupying halls 
when we could get them, but content with 
an empty store or dining room in the hotel at 
which we temporarily stopped. Sometimes, of 
course, there was very little profit, but ofterier 
there was a fair dividend. Before long we had ac- 
cumulated at least twenty dollars apiece. Passing 
through a large town, we succeeded in getting 
hold of a quantity of old lithographs and pictorial 
sheets. With these posters and a few small 
streamers and dodgers we billed a smaller town 
not far away for a "Grand Theatrical Entertain- 
ment," charging regular prices of admission. 

Success was with us. After counting up the 
house, and deducting expenses, we found we were 
on the sunny side of fifty dollars. 

Such a result as this was too much for us. We 
began to think that our time had come. Bob Mil- 
ton talked of telegraphing for "people'' to join us 



38 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

on ahead ; and all of us figured up the cost of put- 
ting a show on the road that would carry eight or 
ten actors, and play the larger towns. 

Had I even imagined myself born to the buskin, 
I suppose I would have taken up with the idea as 
enthusiastically as anyone. Fortunately, the foot- 
lights had never cast their glamour over me, and 
I had always regarded this venture as a makeshift 
and a stepping-stone. When I had done a few 
sums in addition, subtraction, multiplication and 
division, I suggested that the time was hardly ripe 
for such a scheme. We were doing very well as it 
was, among the smaller towns, where theatres had 
no season, and the population could not, and 
would not, support a regular company. As for 
playing the larger towns, I did not believe it could 
be done for a month yet; and, meanwhile, if we 
tried it, we would have abundant opportunity to 
drop our little capital and become hopelessly in- 
volved. I thought it would be the part of wisdom 
to keep on as we had been doing, playing on v^U 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 3& 

vet, and week by week adding to our slender 
store ; otherwise, I thought I could retire from the 
show business. 

To this view the boys finally and grumblingly 
consented, after having obtained my consent, by 
way of compromise, to hiring a hall at a fair- 
sized town not far away, and trying again the 
racket of a fine entertainment. 

I think I had a presentment of failure, and pre- 
sentments are not things to be trifled with. 
Surely, nothing ever fell quite so flat as that 
night's work. We had to procure a license, we 
had to put up five dollars in advance on the hall 
rent, our hotel bill was of respectable proportions, 
there were other incidental expenses — and we 
gave no show at all. There was no gang at the 
door that night, no rush for the front seats, no 
audience, no money, no nothing. A dozen boys 
and men presented themselves at the door, but the 
most of them were dead-heads. They filed dis- 
mally into the hall, and filed more dismally out 



40 • TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

again. The "house remained dark" after all. The 
Miltons concluded that it was more profitable to 
dismiss the audience and immediately "skip by the 
light of the moon" than to remain and wrestle 
with such complications as the balance of the hall 
rent, the hotel bill, and other like troubles which 
fate might send them. 

Though the venture had made considerable in- 
road on our capital, I cannot say that I was par- 
ticularly cast down, being full of that exhilaration 
which comes from the ability and the right to say, 
"I told you so." I objected, moreover, to the 
shirking of a bill which we had the means to pay 
without its causing us any serious financial em- 
barrassment. Also, I was interested in the possi- 
ble cause of our failure, which was a street fakir, 
whose harangue I had heard from the doorway of 
the hall, where I was in attendance. 

Up to this time any little efforts I had made 
upon the lines which I have so long followed with 
such great success, had been addressed to the indi- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 41 

vidual rather than to the crowd. I had heard 
street talkers, to be sure, but had never analyzed 
their methods, or thought seriously of following 
the profession. 

I had wit of my own, however, and from the 
moment this fellow set up his stand I recognized 
the finger of destiny, and made the most of my 
opportunity. He was an orator in his way, and 
I can not do better here than to give the sum and 
substance of a discourse which put much money in 
his purse, and wrecked the Milton Theatrical 
Combination. 

He was selling pens. 

The article was good enough of its kind, and 
one probably familiar to the reader. It was brass, 
but looked like gold, and so flexible that it could 
stand any sort of abuse,, except continuous writ- 
ing, without being harmed in the least. 

He had his little folding, three-legged stand, a 
torch, and a rough piece of board. He would rub 
the point of the pen up and down and jab it into 



42 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

the rough surface of the board, spread the points 
apart, put them together again, and then, filling 
it with ink, write and shade as artistically as you 
please. All the time he was so maltreating the 
poor pen he was keeping up a running fire of talk : 

"Hey there, everybody ! Come right this way. 
There is plenty of time. The show won't open for 
half an hour, and meanwhile I want the chance to 
do you good. I would like to give away lots of 
money — fives, tens, twenties, fifties — everything 
up to a hundred dollar bill. I'm. a down-town, 
Eastern Yankee millionaire, and I've got more 
money than I know r what to do with. If you'll 
lend me your attention for a few moments I'll 
make every mother's son of you rich and happy — 
in your mind at least. 

"Here is a little article known as the automatic. 
Golden tine pen. It reads, writes and talks in 
sixty-four different languages, and is one of the 
handiest little articles you ever gazed on. 

"It is small, gentlemen, but one of the toughest 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 43 

little staples that was ever brought into the world 
to bless mankind. 

"In the first place, I will ask some gentleman 
from the audience to select a pen from the box. 
Any one in the lot will do. They are all exactly 
alike, so it makes no difference which one you 
take. Ah, thank you, sir. Now, I will take this 
pen, place it in this handsome penholder, and then 
rub the point up and down on this rough, pine 
board, in this manner, just as you would a stick. 
That should be a good enough test to convince 
anyone, but we will not stop at that. I'll take the 
little pen and stick it into the board, just as though 
it was a knife-blade. And not only that. Til take 
the little points of the pen and bend them apart 
till they have the appearance of just getting over a 
drunk. 

I know it looks hard to so abuse a little thing 
like this — but like a careful curator, we'll just 
place the points back in their original position 
like this, stick the little pen in the ink like that, 



44 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

just as though nothing had ever happened to it 
There is its work on the paper. You saw it done 
or you wouldn't have believed it. Is it not beau- 
tiful? The lines are fine enough, and graceful 
enough, to satisfy the dreams of an artist — 'fair 
as the sun-, clear as the moon, gentlemen, and beau- 
tiful as an army with banners.' 

"If you want to write cross-eyed, or left- 
handed, it works just the same; and when it comes 
to German, French, Spanish, Danish, Irish, 
Scotch, Latin or Choctaw, the employment is 
identical. If you wish to come up and try before 
you buy, you are at perfect liberty to do so. 

"I have here, also, a stock of beautiful silver- 
nickel penholders, that cost you a quarter the 
world over, and I couldn't sell them to you at any 
less. As a special inducement for your patronage, 
I'll make this proposition : 

" Every man who buys a box of pens, one dozen 
in a box, gets two of these elegant holders, free, 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 45 

gratis, without cost or consideration. Who is the 
first man to pass up a quarter? 

"Hurry up, gentlemen, I've only got about ten 
more minutes to talk to you before the show be- 
gins. (The wretch was perhaps postponing the 
beginning of that show until the outer end of eter- 
nity, for there was a suspicion in the crowd that 
he belonged to it, and that nothing would be done 
in the hall until he ceased talking outside.) If 
you came to me after that and offered me fifty 
dollars for a single pen I wouldn't sell to you. 
Live and let live is my motto, and I never would 
do anything to interfere with another man's busi- 
ness. It is probably the first, last and only time in 
your lives that you will have the chance to buy the 
Automatic, Indestructible, Goldentine Pen at any 
such figures, and if you go to your jeweler he will 
charge you a dollar and a half or two dollars for 
an article not half so good. Where are — ah, yes. 
Here they come, here they come. Don't crowd so, 
my friends, I'll get around to you all by and by." 



46 TWENTt ?EA&S A FAKttt. ' 

That was the substance of his opening oration, 
but he had jokes by the dozen and could hold the 
crowd at will. I am not sure but that the first 
purchasers were dummies, as the boys who came 
and broke the ice had a sheepish look ; but the ice 
was fairly broken, and for quite a while he drove 
a roaring trade. 

By the time I had got from under his hypnotic 
spell, my late companions were a mile or more out 
of town, and I was once more free to follow my 
own inclination and devices. 

What of that ? This time I was not busted, and 
I saw glimpses of a promising land ahead. 




CHAPTER III. 



Meeting Prof. Carter — The Music Scheme 
— Flowers and Novelties — The Ladies — The 
Soap Racket — Street Gags and Jokes- -The 
Sinking Vessel. 

I did not allow myself to be troubled over the 
disappearance of the other members of the Milton 
Combination. In such an affair every tub has to 
stand on its own bottom, and I had no visible bag- 
gage which the hall owner could attach, or any 
irate landlord claim as his own until all scores 
were paid. 

I went around to the hotel and coolly informed 
the proprietor that the manager and his partner 
had skipped, leaving my salary unpaid, but that, 
fortunately, I had enough to settle my own mod- 
est bill for the night, and that if he chose I would 
pay it then and there. Despite his ill humor over 
the loss of a few dollars, I think I must have sue- 



48 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR, 

ceeded in arousing his sympathy; for he touched 
my purse but lightly, and treated me pleasantly 
enough. 

It is quite possible I would have gone with the 
rest of the Combination, or started out on a moon- 
light journey by myself, had it not been that I 
wanted to see more of that fakir. I knew now that 
he was stopping at the same hotel, and thought I 
recognized in him a kindred spirit, with whom it 
might be well to confer. He came in half an hour 
or so after I did, and, being in high good humor 
over his evening's w r ork, I did not find him at all 
hard to approach. 

Of coure, at the outset, I was cautious about let- 
ting him see my motive, and I opened the conver- 
sation by saying in a jocular manner that I had to 
thank him for breaking up our show. The people 
were not going to pay to see it when theyy could 
get something as good or better outside for noth- 
ing. 

"See here, pard, you don't mean to say you're 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 49 

in earnest? I'm business to the hub, you under- 
stand ; but I meant just what I told them over 
there when I said I wouldn't make a sale after you 
began. How hard are you up against it? I'm 
willing to make a fair divvy." , 

He put his hand in his pocket as he spoke, and I 
guess he actually meant it. 

I told him I was all right and that he needed to 
feel no concern. I had been opposed to the ven- 
ture here from the start, and was not at all averse 
to a separation from my companions, as I was 
about tired of the show business, anyhow. - 

I answered some questions which he asked ; and 
then, in turn, grew a little inquisitive. By this 
time we had got back in the corner, with no one 
to hear us if we talked in a moderate tone, and he 
spoke very freely. 

He admitted that he had made a very fair even- 
ing's work of it. The pens he sold at twenty-five 
cents a dozen cost him thirty-five a gross, and the 
boxes and penholders were not sufficiently expen- 



50 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

sive to make a very large hole in his profits. He 
thought perhaps he would remain in the place at 
least for another day. "The pen business," he 
said, "is only a side line, to work in the evenings, 
and I haven't covered the town yet in my can- 
vass/' 

"Then you don't confine yourself to the sale of 
pens?" I asked. I had supposed the profits of the 
evening were sufficient to satisfy almost any man. 

"Not by a jug full," he answered ; "you've only 
got one life at your finger ends, and if you want 
them to stick fast to much of anything you've got 
to keep moving. And then, you're liable at any 
moment to strike a town that has been worked on 
some particular racket, and you've got to have an- 
other up your sleeve. I have half a dozen of 
them. If a place isn't ripe for one, another is sure 
to win." 

"Good! You are just the man I have been 
wanting to see. Don't you need an apprentice ? I 
have never done much open-air talking to a crowd, 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 51 

but I have always had an idea that I would be 
great at something of that kind." 

My blunt proposition took him somewhat 
aback; but he saw that I was in earnest, and 
looked me over. 

"My friend, you appear as though you might 
be cut out for a business man. I don't, as a rule, 
need any help, but if you have a little money, and 
think I can do you any good, I don't mind giving 
you a start. I can't do anything with you in this 
town, though. You have given them all an idea 
of what your line of business is, and for the pres- 
ent couldn't change the opinion. You couldn't 
give away a box of pens and throw in a dime. 
You'll have to wait till we get to the next place. 
Then you'll find out pretty quick what you are 
good for." 

I was well enough satisfied with this, as the 
night before our haystack had been uncomfort- 
able, and I had a feeling that I not only wanted a 
good night's rest, but that I had earned it, and the 



52 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

following day I rested, accordingly. 

k 'Do you know anything about music?" my 
companion asked, as we prepared to leave the 
place. 

I answered that I did ; that I had some knowl- 
edge of notes, was particularly apt at catching up 
a tune by ear, and even had a smattering knowl- 
edge of the piano and violin. 

"Good. All that won't hurt you just now. I 
have been working the cheap music racket by day- 
light, and it has not turned out so badly. I expect 
to do a bigger business in the next place, though, 
and I'll work it in a different way. My pens are 
all sold out, and I'll have no side lines to sell till I 
meet my next lot." 

At that I asked him some questions about the 
music business, and he briefly explained. 

In these degenerate days music, like everything 
else, has become cheap. In the times I am speak- 
ing of sheet music commanded a pretty stiff price 
at retail; and if we could only sell enough of it 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 53 

there was a chance for an enormous profit, even 
when sold away below regular rates, and there 
were chances to buy at wholesale "cheap" sheet 
music which cost but a song. 

All this my companion, whose name was Car- 
ter, explained as we went along. There was really 
so little of a "fake" about what he proposed to do 
that I hardly believed he would have the success 
he seemed to anticipate. 

Nevertheless, it all worked to a charm. The 
town selected was just large enough to have a 
number of amateur pianists and vocalists, and not 
sufficiently extensive for a store which kept sheet 
music in any great quantity. 

There was a piano in the parlor of the hotel 
where we opened up, and almost the first act of 
Carter was to thump it vigorously, and after what 
looked to be quite an artistic fashion. He had me 
plaster the town with bills and posters which we 
found there in a bundle awaiting us, announcing 
the presence of Prof. Carter and an immense stock 



54 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

of the most popular and fashionable music, which, 
in consequence of business affairs calling him to 
the east, he would sell on the easiest terms. Music 
for which the stores usually charged from thirty- 
five cents to several dollars he would sell at from 
fifteen up to seventy-five cents. And he had a list 
of the very choicest selections, which would be 
sold even lower. The names of the most classical 
and popular pieces were given, and it was also an- 
nounced that the Professor could be consulted on 
musical matters, and the choice of pieces for con- 
secutive practice, during his short stay. 

For the first few days the ladies came flocking 
in, and usually bought from three to six pieces. 
Sometimes we sold as high as ten selections to one 
lady. 

I soon saw that "The Professor" had a fair 
knowledge of his business, although, no doubt, 
his musical acquirements were somewhat super- 
ficial. The advice he gave gratuitously was some- 
times equal to a high-priced lesson, and I won- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 55 

dered why he did not make an effort to follow the 
profession after a legitimate and exclusive man- 
ner. But he would not have been a fakir had he 
done that ; and I confess he was one of the best all- 
round men I ever saw. 

While he had a fair stock of the popular, catchy 
songs of the day, I noticed the price of it was the 
nearest to that marked by the publishers ; while his 
greatest efforts to sell were made along the lines 
of "classical gems," and easy selections, which he 
would rapidly arrange together as a graduated 
system of practice. These pieces cost him the least 
of any in the lot. He could generally gauge pretty 
accurately the musical acquirements of a lady, and 
once she entered into conversation with him he 
was pretty sure to sell, not only the one piece she 
had thought of buying, but half a dozen or more. 

I was of some slight assistance in the music 
deal, but the part I had to play related to some- 
thing else, of which, in the start, I knew little or 
nothing, but under the rapid instructions of the 



56 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

Professor I soon comprehended sufficiently to 
elicit his strong approval. 

He had along with the music a nice little line of 
fancy feathers, flowers and other little novelties, 
which he placed in my charge, and though I had 
never handled such things before, it is an actual 
fact that the end of the first day found me talking 
as glibly about them as any milliner in the land. 
When the last customer had departed Carter 
turned to me and observed : 

""No use, Jim, you've got it in you, and you'll 
never be anything else." 

"Else than what?" I inquired. 

"A fakir. Anyone who can talk up female fix- 
tures and furbelows as you have done, without 
knowing any more about them than you do, and 
never make a break, is bound to scratch his mark. 
From the way you manipulate the dainty things 
you might have the touch for a slight-of-hand per- 
former and magician, but with that smooth tongue 
of yours I fancy you have chosen about right." 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 57 

I suppose I blushed at his praise, but tried to 
take it as a matter of course, and asked what he 
would have done if customers had refused to call. 

"Oh, called on them, if I thought the town was 
worth the working. Otherwise, I would have 
shifted my base and tried something else. A man 
should always try to have a little money where he 
can get hold of it in case of need, and keep a dodge 
or two ahead of his customers, so that if one fails 
to work he'll have another to bring on." 

"But no dodge ought to fail," I put in. "If you 
have the thing the people want they are bound to 
buy it ; and if they don't want it now, make them 
want it by the time you get through. That is my 
idea of the business." 

"And a very good one it is ; only, sometimes, re- 
ceipts don't balance expenditures, and then it is 
about time to quit and try something else. I can 
talk as well as the next, but I have an occasional 
failure myself. It looks as though business would 
last here for several days yet. By that time we 



5§ twenty Years a PARtk. 

will be pretty well out of sorts, and I've a nice 
stock of soap coming for the next stand. If you 
want to try your hand I'll let you do the talking, 
and see what you can do with it." 

The professor was right in his predictions. The 
ladies who patronized us the first day sent others 
on the second, and returned themselves on the 
third. When we left, it was with the good will of 
the entire community, and no inconsiderable quan- 
tity of their coin. 

When Professor Carter changed from music 
and millinery to soap he did not think it at all nec- 
essary to change his name at the same time. In- 
deed, his name was on the packages, and the ar- 
ticle he put out was a successful curiosity. By the 
time we got to work he had drilled me thoroughly 
on its history and merits. 

It was known as Doctor Carter's Peerless Soap- 
salve. It could be used for either a soap or a 
salve ; the total cost of manufacturing it, without 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 59 

wrappers, was less than five cents a cake. I know 
that it sold freely at twenty-five. 

We had a little preliminary practice before 
reaching the town which was to be the scene of 
operations, and I appeared before the crowd con- 
fident in my ability, and anxious to test the glib- 
ness of my tongue. The doctor had given me the 
patter he usually employed, and of course I ex- 
pected to use it as an outline, subject to alteration 
as occasion permitted or required. He carried a 
violin, and it did not take long to draw a crowd. 

There was, of course, no haste in getting to the 
sales. I began by telling what the soap-salve was 
good for. I gave them a little historical lecture on 
all soap in general, and this soap in particular. 
Finally, to illustrate how far a small portion 
would go, I took a large sponge, which had been 
passed around for examination. As the doctor 
handed it to me he concealed in it a cake of soap. 
From another cake I had made a few shavings, 
and having poured a little water over the sponge 



60 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

the amount of lather I made appear from those 
shavings was a caution: and the crowd was about 
in shape to appreciate the story I then told, which 
was about as follows : 

"More than that, gentlemen and ladies — for I 
see there are a few of the latter in the audience, 
and I wash there were more — I want to tell you 
how the lives of four hundred people were, on a 
memorable occasion, saved by this very identical 
soap. 

"I was on a large steamship, on my w r ay to Eng- 
land. Upon a beautiful morning, when the sun 
had been shining brightly in the heavens, and 
dancing in great waves over the white-crested bil- 
lows, peace and harmony and happiness prevailing 
among the passengers, a sudden and severe wind 
storm came up. Black clouds overcast the sky, and 
the wind blew so strong that the huge vessel was 
tossed about as though a mere toy. 

"Every one on board became excited. Women 
screamed and fainted. Down in the cabin a group 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 61 

was gathered to pray for safe deliverance from the 
wrath of the hurricane. We were doomed. In a 
few moments the vessel ran upon hidden rocks, 
the boilers exploded, and our ship was on fire. 

"There we were, on a burning vessel, stranded 
upon the rocks, and far, far from shore. Death 
and a watery grave stared us in the face. Can you 
imagine our despair? 

"No time was to be lost. We must act, and act 
quickly. The life boats were lowered; but they 
could not hold all the passengers, so that we had 
to shift as best we could. I helped the women, and 
some of the men, into the boats, and then found, to 
my horror, there was no room for me. 

"I -picked up my valise, which was filled with 
this soap, grabbed the gang-plank of the vessel, 
and jumped into the ocean. 

"My valise had no sooner struck the water than 
the soap began to foam. The bubbles grew, and 
kept increasing in size until they resembled a 



62 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

mountain of snow. Would you believe it ? Every 
one of those four hundred heart-broken passen- 
gers jumped on that huge lump of lather and 
floated safely to shore. 

"Now, my friends, was not that wonderful ? So 
happy were they all when they landed that they 
chipped in a dollar each, every man ordering a 
cake sent to his address as soon as I could receive 
a fresh supply to replace that lost in their salva- 
tion. 

"But tonight, my friends, I am not going to 
charge you a dollar a cake. You have not yet been 
ship-wrecked, though it is as well for you to pre- 
pare. Twenty-five cents is all that I shall ask you, 
and then you will be ready for the direst extremity 
and the darkest emergency. 

"Now, then, who takes the first cake?" 

"You do," shouted a voice from the crowd, and 
the laugh was on roe, 



TWEXTV YEARS A PAKIti. 63 

Nevertheless, I accepted the turn so readily, and 
put it aside so neatly, that it was all the better, 
since I had the crowd with me. Before the even- 
ing was over the stock was sold out slick and 
clean. 




CHAPTER IV. 



The Contemptible Piano Tuner — The 
Biographical Write-up Fake — The Flat- 
tered Blacksmith. 

"There are tricks in all trades but ours," quoted 
the doctor that night, when he had returned to the 
hotel. 

"And I suppose the reason there are no tricks 
in our trade is because there is positively no epi- 
dermis to hold them. It is trickery and nothing 
else. 

"Nevertheless, there are tricks; and there are 
other tricks. I have no patience with the others. 
My principle, as I have already explained, is to 
always give a man the worth of his money at or- 
dinary, every-day market prices. If an emergency 
arises when I can't do that I try and see that he 
receives no damage. The fakir that sells a tooth- 
wash which will eat the enamel off the first appli- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. ft 5 

cation, and crumble the teeth to the gums by the 
third, deserves to be hung. 

"It is a little strange/" he added, reflectively, 
"how some of the gang can talk the senses out of 
the average individual, and make him see that 
black is white. I don't approve of such methods, 
and it rather gratifies me when I see a fakir of that 
class come to grief. 

"I remember once, when I was selling bibles up 
in Minnesota, I had the extreme pleasure of seeing 
one of the meanest, most contemptible little scoun- 
drels of the species arrested and brought to jus- 
tice. On the chance of making a trifling ten dol- 
lars for himself he had done more than that much 
damage, which he did not know how to properly 
repair, and possibly ruined a six hundred dollar 
instrument. And he seemed to have been work- 
ing the scheme right along until he was accident- 
ally caught up by a young lady — upon whom I 
happened to call, in the midst of the wreck, for 



66 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR, 

the purpose of introducing my fine line of cottage 
bibles, 

"You understand, I love a fine piano, and have 
a sneaking regard for an instrument of almost 
any kind. But this was, or had been, a good one, 
and the way the fellow temporarily ruined it was 
this: 

"The house stood by itself, with vacant lots on 
either side. He walked up to the front and 
knocked. When the young lady came to the door 
he looked up inquiringly, and then slowly and in 
a disappointed manner, as though speaking to 
himself, remarked: 

" 'I can't understand it/ 

" 'Understand what?' asked the young lady. 

"Before answering he consulted a card in his 
hand, which had some penciling on the back. 

" 'Why, I am the traveling tuner of the Mittle- 
bache Piano Company. Yesterday somebody sent 
an order to me at the hotel to call at number 413, 
this street. There is no such number, I see; but as 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 67 

this is 415 I thought I would drop in and see if 
you were not the lady.' 

" 'No, sir; I am not/ was the answer. 

" 'By the way, what is tire name of your piano ?' 

" 'Oh, mine is rather an old one. It is called 
the Wilson/ 

" 'You don't say so. I hardly expected to find 
one of them in this part of the country; but it is 
the coming instrument. We carry a line of them 
at our headquarters. Wilson seems to be the one 
man who has mastered the art of making a piano 
which improves by age.- The instrument ought 
to be like a violin in that respect, but you know, of 
course, that the output of the average piano man- 
ufacturer is not.' 

"While carrying on this conversation he walked 
into the house, the lady remarking : 

" 'I supposed the make was out of the market. 
I never hear of it now at all, and this is the only 
one I ever saw.' 

" 'Not at all, not at all ; Wilson is conservative, 



68 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

and don't want to put out any more pianos than he 
can build on honor. I understand he always has 
orders ahead for a year. I should have thought 
you would have noticed in the papers the account 
of the magnificent ones he has lately put in the 
White House. He don't advertise; he don't have 
to. No piano manufacturer does until his sales 
fall off. Ah, yes. One of the early make; but it 
ought to be a good one, nevertheless.' 

"By this time he was on the stool, fingers spread 
out, and he ran over the scales for a moment, at a 
great rate, a frown gradually darkening his face. 

"'Who in the world tuned this piano?' he 
asked. 

"The lady mentioned the name of the tuner, and . 
added that it was some months since he had done 
the work. 

" T should think so. It's not in tune even a 
little bit, and sounds as though there was some- 
thing wrong inside. Don't you want me to fix it 
for you? I'll do the tuning for one dollar, and 






TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 69 

straighten up everything else for a trifle. I've a 
little time to spare before dinner, as it don't seem 
likely that I can find that lady. Only one dollar 
for the tuning.' 

'The colossal cheek of the man, and the low- 
price he named for the work, naturally had their 
effect, and she looked at him hesitatingly. He 
turned up his cuffs and asked for a piece of flannel 
with which to dust off the piano, remarking in a 
jocular way that he would not charge for doing 
that. 

'"Unsuspectingly, the young lady hustled off for 
the flannel, and while she was out of the room he 
quickly opened the instrument and slipped in a 
small, artificial mouse's nest, at the same time 
snipping a few wires, perhaps doing more damage 
than he intended. When she returned he was al- 
ready to show her in what a horrible condition 
the mice had got her instrument. 

"At such a point in the game he usually talked 
so glibly and smoothly and worked the nerves of 



70 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

his poor victim up to such a tension that she 
gladly employed him to renovate the affair, and 
paid him ten dollars, without question, for the 
work of an hour or so. 

"In this case he failed; first, because the young 
lady had not been entirely hypnotized ; and second, 
because there was neither mouse, rat, nor roach in 
their house. 

"This fact she knew, and that in the interim 
her instrument had been tuned. She looked the 
villain in the face and charged him with the full 
enormity of his rascally act; whereat, he turned 
and fled. 

"I happened on the scene a few minutes later, 
and it may be it was my counsel which brought 
the offender to justice." 

Such was the story of the doctor, and he told it 
with a vim and gusto that made me believe he 
was in earnest in his denunciation of such a ques- 
tionable style of faking. I then and there vowed 
to myself to avoid that class of work; and ever 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 71 

after kept the vow — except in cases of unavoid- 
able necessity. 

The question which presented itself to my 
mind was, what were we to do next. In spite of 
what Carter had said about always keeping a 
stock ahead, it seemed to me he had about reached 
the end of his resources — in other words, he had 
sold out all his stock in trade. The pens were ex- 
hausted, so was the sheet music, so was the soap. 
I asked him what he intended to do next. 

''Well, you see, my son, I have been out some 
time, and had thought of winding up the present 
campaign and taking a run to New York to look 
up novelties. 1 have done first rate this fall, and 
have a pretty good wad to buy with for the win- 
ter's work." 

"But you can't keep on through the winter, can 
you?" I anked, thinking the question would be 

apt to draw him out and increase my store of 
knowledge. 

"The w r ork goes on, but it is of a different kind. 



72 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

But, as I was going" to say, I will stay out a little 
longer, for the sake of your education; and you 
will learn that a person in our line of business is 
not dependent on capital, whether in the shape of 
money or goods. His brains must be his mainstay 
and dependence, and the more he knows in the 
way of general education the better it will be for 
him. You have a great deal to learn, and if you 
want to be a success in the field to which you seem 
to have been called you won't have an idle moment 
you can call your own. For the remainder of the 
week I shall proceed to boom and advertise a 
town. There is good money in it, although it is 
not every one who is fitted to work the racket. It 
takes a man of not only good knowledge of human 
nature, but of wide experience and considerable 
journalistic ability/' 

Accordingly, the next day we set # off for the 
town he had selected, and which he assured me 
had not been worked after the fashion he pro- 
posed. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 73 

B . was a thriving little city of three or four 

thousand inhabitants, which had several news- 
papers that were fairly well supported. The his- 
tory of this place Dr. Carter already had at his 
finger ends, and the names of the prominent citi- 
zens were more than familiar. He had already 
looked the ground over, or had it looked over, I 
was not certain which. This saved him some little 
time, though I believe he could have gone in, a 
perfect stranger to every soul, and still met with 
as thorough a success. I have done it myself more 
than once when no more promising field of opera- 
tions appeared to be open. 

Our first business call was upon the editor 
whom Carter had chosen as his local helper. 

He introduced himself as Dr. Carter, of the 
Eastern Globe, out to write up the country and its 
resources for his paper, but meantime with an eye 
open for the profit of himself and friend. To de- 
scribe his scheme briefly, he proposed to the editor, 
who was also proprietor, to get out a special num- 



74 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

ber of the Daily Hornet, in which should be given 
a write-up of the city and its business men, the 
doctor to do the soliciting and literary work, # and 
receive his end of the profits. 

Country editors are always susceptible to the 
word profits, since, with few exceptions, I have 
found them seriously affected with shortness of 
cash, and ready to turn an honest dollar at "any 
hour of the day or night. 

Mr. Mathews, of the Hornet, was no exception. 
After the doctor (or professor, whichever you 
choose to call him) had held him under fire of his 
verbal battery a short time he made unconditional 
capitulation, and started out with us to make in- 
troductions, gather materials, and prepare the way 
for contracts. 

A few moments' observation convinced me that 
the editor was as great a fakir as ourselves, even 
though he did not wear the badge on his sleeve. 

He introduced Mr. Carter, of the East, as of 
the editorial staff, detailed to make observations 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 75 

through the state with a view to a writing-up of 
its most promising and prominent business men 
and institutions. 

"I have induced him to stop at B . long 

enough to give me the assistance of his valuable 
pen in writing up our city and its noted people, a 
•plan which I have long had in contemplation. I 
shall get out a special edition of twenty thousand 
of the number containing the article, and while 
copies will go all over the state, I shall see that 
every family in the county is supplied. They will 
be kept for reference, and I need hardly tell you 
will be of incalculable value to all parties con- 
cerned. We are around interviewing a few of the 
leading citizens on the subject, and I do not ex- 
pect to find any difference of opinion as to the im- 
portance of the matter." 

The very nature of such an approach was 
enough to give the prospective customer the 
swelled head. It pleased him that he was recog- 



7 g TWENTY YEARS A FAKIIt. 

nized as a solid pillar of the town, and he usually 
took the bait with a smile, and said : 

"Certainly, gentlemen, what can I do for you?" 
With that question the editor retired from ac- 
tion, and Carter stepped to the front. He ex- 
plained that a country was known better by its 
people than by its natural advantages, and that 
one live — really and truly live — business man was 
worth more to a town than a million dollars in 

capital. There could not be many in B ., but 

there were some who were influential and prom- 
inent, and lie proposed to place their biographies 
where they would be of public record. Of course, 
their present host was of the number who would 
receive early attention. 

Mixed in with this, and following it, and all 
around it, was a running fire of questions as to 
when the gentleman was born, where raised, what 
great deeds he had performed, how he served in 
the war, getting in a brief way his whole life and 
career from the time he was born until the present 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 77 

day, as well as the particulars of the business in 
which he was engaged. All this, of course, with- 
out asking for financial support. 

Other calls were made of a similar nature — a 
good many of them, in fact. And then Professor 
Carter went to his room at the hotel armed with a 
battery of pens, ink and paper and began to w r rite. 
He wrote rapidly and in extravagant praise of the 

business men of B . The first sketch read 

something like this : 

"Mr. John Smith, the subject of this sketch, 
was born in Jim Crow township, Boozer county- 
Indiana, just fifty-six years ago. When only a 
boy his father died, forcing him to enter active 
life at a very tender age. His lot was cast with a 
blacksmith, and he began with indomitable energy 
to work his way up. Today Mr. Smith is not only 
one of our leading business men, but has one of 
the best equipped blacksmith shops in the state, 
and enjoys the reputation of being the best horse- 
shoer in the valley of the Mississippi. At the 



78 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

breaking out of the civil war Mr. Smith enlisted 

in the Indiana Regiment of Volunteers, 

taking part with the regiment in seventeen differ- 
ent battles. For an act of bravery, in which he 
carried the flag under a heavy charge, President 
Lincoln wrote him a personal letter, commending 
him for the deed. Mr. Smith is one of the pio- 
neers of this city, having lived here ever since the 
close of the war, so that his name is a household 

word in B . Although Mr. Smith is 56 years 

old, married happily, and has a large family, 
prominent in social circles, he is still a young look- 
ing man, of most prepossessing appearance, pub- 
lic spirited, a leader of men, and universally rec- 
ognized as the most prominent and logical candi- 
date for mayor at the ensuing election.' ' 

When these articles were written the really seri- 
ous business of the campaign was at hand. For 
instance, Carter took this copy to Smith, showed 
it to him, and read it over for personal correction 
and approval. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 79 

Of course, Smith was pleased. 

Doctor Carter tells him he intends to put his en- 
graved picture above the article, and that it is ex- 
pected the citizens will help out liberally on 
the enterprise, which not only does justice to 
them, but will attract attention to the town. 

Mr. Smith probably subscribed for fifty copies 
■ — twelve dollars and a half — and put up five dol- 
lars more, and a photograph, in order that his 
likeness might grace the pages of the Hornet sup- 
plement. If he had been the proprietor of a large 
mercantile establishment the tariff would most 
likely have been as much more. Every relative of 
Mr. John Smith, to the third and fourth genera- 
tion doubtless received a marked copy of that 
paper. 

Of course, an edition which exceeded the nor- 
mal output by at least twenty fold was valuable 
for legitimate advertising, and its space per inch 
worth a sum which, compared with ordinary num- 
bers, was almost fabulous. Of that fact, Mr. 



80 TWENTY YEAkS A FAKIR, 

Matthews no doubt made his account, but with it 
we had nothing to do. When the last bill for 
write-ups and "cuts" (on these a profit of two to 
live hundred per cent, was made) had been col- 
lected to the uttermost farthing, the doctor pro- 
fessed himself as satisfied, and prepared to move 
out in search of "fresh fields and pastures green." 
And now the hour of our parting was at hand, 
and I was to find myself once more adrift, though 
this time more ready and capable to take up the 
battle and fight for a fortune. 




CHAPTER V. 



Fakir Maxims — A Happy Meeting — Auc- 
tion Business — Talk and Auction Gags — 
The Boy Auctioneer — Parting With Prof. 
Carter. 

Before we separated the doctor gave me some 
parting words of admonition. 

"My son," he said, beaming on me in a proud 
and happy way — for were not his pockets filled to 

bursting with the result of the raid on B . ? 

"it is dead easy to work the public if you have 
confidence in yourself, and a thorough under- 
standing of the people with whom you deal. 

"I have been in the business a good many years, 
and I know whereof I speak. You w T ill have your 
downs as well as ups, since you are a young man, 
and cannot always gauge the amount of strength 
needed, or know the exact nature of the forces 
which must be brought to bear. You will probably 



82 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

be beaten sometimes, and busted often ; but under 
every circumstance, never despair. You were put 
here to make a living, and if you don't succeed it 
is your own fault. I have given you an insight 
into different branches of fakirdom; cultivate the 
rest after the same fashion. They are all alike, 
and founded on the same general principles. 
These monitions heed : 

"Never carry an old sample case. It looks bad 
and hurts your business. 

"Put your whole heart and soul into business, 
and 'stick to your knitting/ 

"A good argument for one thing answer as 
well for another. Don't forget it. 

"Get to the level of your customer, but remain 
a gentleman. 

"Flatter the young woman of the house. If you 
have her, you've got the mother; and nine times 
out of ten the gray mare is the better horse. 

"It is much easier to bamboozle a woman than 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 83 

a man, but the profits are apt to be less. Too 
much time is wasted, and time is money. 

"Don't make a second call, unless you have time 
to burn. Stay with a man as long as there is hope, 
and then leave him for some one else to warm 
over. If he wants you he'll send for you; if he 
don't, he's thought of a dozen arguments against 
you he didn't advance before. 

"One gift to the wife or daughter of a landlord 
is worth more to secure attention than tips to a 
dozen waiters. 

"There is nothing will do you more good than 
church going. If it don't happen to save your soul 
it will surely help your pockets. 

"Hold your own. If you take a little of some 
people's mouths they will think you a fool, and 
give you a great deal more. 

"A trunk and a bank account are both evidences 
of responsibility, even if the one is empty and the 
other is small. If you can't conquer both, carry a 
trunk, anyhow. 



84 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

"A few good names at the top of a list brings 
Tom, Dick and Harry at the tail ; but if you begin 
with Tom, Dick and Harry, the list will be all tail, 
and a short one at that. 

"There's a fortune in a new fake, but it won't 
work in the same community twice ; and two of a 
kind coming close together make a bad pair. 

"If, when you are hard up, you think of a 
scheme which seems likely, try it. You have noth- 
ing to lose and everything to win. If you waste 
time trying to decide, or to think of something 
better, the golden moment may slip 137." 

Such maxims he poured forth for my future 
guidance. He then told me he was going to Chi- 
cago to prepare for the further work, asked me to 
keep him advised where a letter would reach me, 
and promising to post me in regard to any novel- 
ties in the market. After some other talk about 
our hopes and intentions he left me. It was long- 
before I saw him again. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. s:> 

I confess I felt a trifle lonely, and at a loss what 
to do with myself. I had plenty of money for 
present needs, and a little capital with which I 
could purchase a small stock of something to sell ; 
but I did not at the moment know what I wanted 
or which way to turn, and the doctor had offered 
no suggestions. It was an understood matter 
that I was to at least try to hoe my own row. 

I lounged down to the station, and while star- 
ing aimlessly after a departing train was surprised 
to hear my own name called and have some one 
slap me on the back. 

I looked around quickly, and lo, it was my old 
friend, the lightning rod man. 

We shook hands heartily, while I expressed my 
surprise at seeing him, and curiosity to know how 
he came to be here, when I supposed he was at 
Davenport, and hardly able to hobble out of the 
hospital. 

He explained it in short order. The broken 
bones had knit very nicely and rapidly. He was 



86 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

now on his way to a neighboring city to look after 
a small stock of goods for which, some six months 
before, he had traded a patent right. The goods 
were not worth much, but neither was the patent, 
and he thought that by taking them out of storage 
he could realize expenses and enough to keep him 
afloat until he was entirely ready once more for 
business. 

"What sort of goods are they?" I asked, at once 
alive to the possibility which might lurk behind 
the name. 

"Notions and ready-made clothing," he ans- 
wered. "I believe there is some good stuff in it, 
too; but the whole lot is out of date, and part of it 
damaged." 

"All right; I'll go along with you and help you.' 
Just now I've nothing to do." 

"But what have you been doing, and how are 
you off for coin? You have hardly made a for- 
tune in soap-foam signs." 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 87 

I explained briefly then, and afterwards at 
greater length. 

We took the train together that evening, and I 
told him my little experiences since we parted. 
The next day we hunted up the stock, which he 
told me had been valued as low as nine hundred 
dollars, but which, when opened out, made quite 
a respectable showing. We also rented a large, 
vacant store room. I told him the people didn't 
know me, and consequently would not know the 
goods, and I was confident there could be good 
money made selling them off at auction. As he 
had very little money, I advanced what was neces- 
sary, and proposed to act as auctioneer myself. 

"All right/' he answered, "let it go at that. If 
we make even a couple of hundred dollars out of it 
I will be satisfied — so it is cash. 

"If we can sell anything at all we surely can get 
that," I assured him. 

Mr. Carlysle was a trifle dubious about my 
abilities, but my late little experiences had helped 



88 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

me wonderfully, and given me thorough confi- 
dence. I thought, moreover, of a dodge which, no 
matter what the line, has always worked. I as- 
sumed as youthful an appearance as possible and 
he had me advertised all over town as "The boy 
auctioneer." That brought the people out in 
swarms, and when I saw the crowd we had suc- 
ceeded in gathering I knew we had 'em. Carlysle 
had given me a thorough coaching in private, and 
I felt that there was no danger of being at a loss 
for something to say. When I began I confess I 
was a trifle nervous from stage fright, but after 
selling a few minor articles I was all right and 
ready to start in full swing. If there is anything 
the boy from a farm has heard it is the patter of 
an auctioneer. I had listened to it a hundred 
times, and I went on something like this : 

"Gentlemen, you all know I am no resident mer- 
chant, and before I get fairly into this sale I wish 
to make an explanation. 

"I traded for this stock of goods, and under the 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 80 

circumstances it is a white elephant on my hands. 
The quicker I get rid of it the better off I will be. 
When I say I am going to close out this stock re- 
gardless of cost or value I mean it, I positively 
mean it. 

"The first thing I shall put up will be a fine, cus- 
tom-made suit of clothing. Mr. Carlysle, will you 
please hand me up the very best suit you can find 
in the lot." 

Mr. Carlysle, after looking around a moment, 
passed up the suit already agreed on. 

"Now, gentlemen, here is a nice, black, custom- 
made suit of clothes that cost twenty-six dollars, 
direct from the manufacturer. If you will look 
carefully at the price marked on the collar you will 
see it was intended to sell at thirty-five. How 
much am I offered as a starter ? How much, gen- 
tlemen? Make a bid. I don't care how much or 
how little. Your price is my price, and whatever 
you say goes. 

"Will you give twenty dollars?'' 



90 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

"No; will you give ten dollars? Five dollars? 
No ? Two dollars ? Not even two dollars Well, 
then, who'll offer me one dollar? 

"Ah, thank you, sir. Now, there is a man with 
a level head. 

"I don't like to start a thirty-five dollar suit of 
clothes for one dollar, but I'll do it, just the same, 
and here goes. 

"One dollar I'm offered, one dollar, one dollar ; 
who'll make it two ? 

"Thank you, sir. Two dollars, two dollars, 
two dollars I have; who'll make it three? 

"Three dollars I have; who is generous enough 
to bring it up to four? 

"Yes; there is a smart man over yonder, who 
knows a good thing when he sees it. Four dollars 
I have, at four, at four, at four; who'll make it 
five? who'll make it five? 

"Remember, gentlemen, this is a genuine, all- 
wool, imported English worsted, that cost twenty- 
six dollars, and was price-marked thirty-five. We 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 91 

guarantee a fit if you are near the size, or refund 
the money. Do I hear the five ? Will you give the 
five. Who'll say the five? Will you make the 
five, at four, at four, at four and going, going — 
going at four. At four, at four, at four — did I 
head the five? Holy smoke. What's the matter 
with this town ? Do you want a man to stand up 
here and yell his lungs out for a dollar? Why, 
I'm twenty-two dollars in the hole, now, as it 
stands. Do you expect me to get up here and sell 
you twenty dollar gold pieces for the small sum of 
ten cents? 

"It's a crying shame for you to stand here and 
let a thirty-five dollar suit of clothes go for four 
dollars. Why, it's worth more than that for an 
every-day, knock-around business outfit, to say 
nothing of the fact that it's all right for dress 
occasions. What, four fifty do I hear? No, sir; 
I don't take a half dollar bid at this stage of the 

proceedings. If you'll raise it fifty cents I'll cry 



92 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

your bid. All right. Thank you, sir. Five I 
have; now, who'll give me six? 

"Look here gentlemen, I am willing to sacrifice 
the stock, but I hate to be compelled to actually 
give it away. Why, it would be a shame to the 
town to sell a suit like that for five dollars. Some 
of you fellows down there, with ruffles on your* 
pants, can't you make it six? And if you're not 
satisfied after wearing it five years come back and 
I'll make you a present of one hundred dollars. 

"I can't dwell all day on a single article; so, be 
lively with your bids, or Til knock it down before 
you can wink. At five, at five, at five, at five, at 
five, at five — will you give me the six? 

"No? Five once, five twice, five, third and last 
go — did I hear the six ? 

"At last. Just in time; so, six I have; at six, at 
six, at six. Come along with your little bids now. 
I hear six and a half. AYho'll make it seven? I 
tell you, gentlemen, in after years this sacrifice 
may cause me to shed manv a bitter tear, but like 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. <J<5 

the great majority it has got to go, unless some 
fair-minded person makes it seven. Six fifty? 
Six fifty? Will no one raise it fifty? Six dollars 
fifty, once. Six dollars fifty, twice. Six fifty, 
third and last call, and sold — to that gentleman 
there under the gas light, and a mighty good bar- 
gain/' 

This was a good sale all around, and after this 
suit was sold I felt more than ever confident, and 
was ready for whatever came next. I went on : 

"Now, then, gentlemen, don't be impatient. 
There is plenty more clothing, but I really must 
protect my own interests a little bit. When I said 
I was going to sell this stock regardless of cost or 
value I didn't mean I would give away the picked 
lots and throw in a chromo to have you take them. 
I know, when you get your eyes open, you'll meet 
me half way; and here is an eye-opener, and the 
expense will neither make nor break you. 

"Here is a job lot of combs, coarse combs, fine 



94 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

combs, horse combs, honey combs and the comb of 
a roof; we'll take this fine tooth comb first. 

"Here it is, gentlemen, already for business, 
white as the driven snow, and with two rows of 
teeth as sharp as the edge of a fine razor. I will 
guarantee it to catch 'em every time, dead or alive. 
It's a sure winner, a double-geared, switch-back 
combination, that will work either forward or 
backward, without a single kick. It is hand- 
turned, double-soled, and made from genuine 
ivory, worth four hundred dollars a pound, and 
a good day for elephants at that. How much do I 
hear to start it? Will you give me a quarter? 
No ? Will you give me a dime ? No ? Do I hear 
any one whisper the ridiculous small sum of a 
nickel? What! Don't shake your heads side- 
ways ; always shake them up and down. 

"Hurry up your bids, gentlemen. Tempus 
Fugit, as the astronomer says. Time flies. Yes, 
time flies ; and so do the little vermin this comb is 
warranted to lay low. Will no one give me a bid ? 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 95 

I never saw a lousy man buy a comb in my life. 
You needn't be ashamed. You won't find a sale 
on record, from the time Noah made a clearing 
sale on closing business at the ark, where the pur- 
chaser needed the article for his own use. Slip it 
in the package the next time you want to send 
some books to a starving cripple who has just lost 
his spectacles, and when you are nosing around 
for something to put in the contribution box for 
the poor, benighted heathen, think how handy it 
would be to have it in the house. Does nobody 
say five cents ? Third and last call at — thank you. 
You'll take it. Sold at five cents. You're a clear- 
headed man for sure, and I hope there is more in 
the crowd." 

There was a laugh at this, and I began to feel 
more confident than ever. I kept on at the combs 
until I had sold the entire assortment. By and by 
I opened a watch. 

The crowd was willing, but slow to start. Each 
man wanted to take time to consider the outside 



96 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

figure he was willing to pay for the article, pro- 
vided he had the least thought of purchasing. I 
was satisfied to let the customer have plenty of 
time, because he might make a bid, even if it was 
within the figure he placed as the top notch. If he 
once began bidding, such a limit would cut no ice 
at all. After some preliminary remarks I shouted 
at the top of my voice : 

"Under or over the top of God's green earth I 
never saw the like before. You stand perpetually 
blind to your own interests, and wait for the other 
fellow to get the bargain. When I offer you a 
fifty dollar watch I can't even get a four dollar bid 
on it, and still you wonder why you are poor. 

"Now, gentlemen, remember that this is a fact, 
a tried, tested and practical fact. Everywhere in 
this generation, the human mind is busier than 
ever in extending its prerogatives. If you don't 
believe me turn to the ninth chapter of Isaiah and 
read the twenty- fourth verse where it says, 'It is 
easier for an elephant to walk through the eye of 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 97 

a needle than a poor man to enter into the king- 
dom of heaven.' 

'The physical necessity of mental activity in 
every practical sense confers upon the mind the 
power of determining the actual strength of lon- 
gevity. So, prepare yourselves, gentlemen, for 
one of the most startling revelations yet to come. 
We are living in times when people know what 
goods are. To keep abreast with them we must 
organize and increase our capacity to thirty mil- 
lion times its natural strength and power. 

"To illustrate, look back along the ages and ^ee 
that poor man there, bending over the sto 1 mor- 
tar, pulverizing the fluidy grains into a more 
minute form. Watch him. See. He stops and 
gazes at yonder precipitous torrent thundering 
down a rocky channel in its course. There, a 
thought has struck him. He begins to whistle, 
and then to whittle, for he learned to whistle soon 
after he learned to breathe. 

"His hands are clumsy, but brains furnish skill, 



98 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

and practice makes perfect. He gears together a 
dozen wooden wheels, some horizontal, some per- 
pendicular, and makes a mortar, such as he had 
never seen before that moment of inspiration. He 
turns on the water. The wheel revolves. The 
mortar grinds, and out rolls the meal in a golden 
stream, while he claps his hands in triumph, and 
thinks what the machine would do if it were a 
thousand times stronger. 

"Therefore, remember, gentlemen, I am not 
conscientiously, virtuously, righteously nor re- 
ligiously, but just good naturedly, giving these 
goods away. 

"Here is this watch, now ; a fine Elgin, with a 
twenty-year case set in two plates of gold, ad- 
justed to both heat and cold, with economical hair 
spring, regulated by sun, moon and stars, and it 
will even tell you the price of cheese in Canada. 
I'm not going to force you to take it at this mo- 
ment, and as no one seems ready to make a decent 
bid I'll lay it by until the gang gets in from the 



TWENTY YEAR8 A FAKIR. 99 

railroad, and switch off on to this elegant suit of 
underwear. 

"How much am I offered to start it, the choice 
with the privilege? Remember, these garments 
are all wool, through and through, double-hitched 
and double-stitched, ribbed up and down, as per- 
fectly seamless as the leg of a woman's stocking, 
and guaranteed to live three years without wash- 
ing. The winter days are fast coming on, when 
. underwear will be more precious than diamonds, 
and the tariff will send prices up a-booming. Take 
a pair of these drawers home, and after wearing 
them all winter you can sneak around to some 
dressmaker in the spring, and she can fix them so 
the old woman can wear them next summer. 
Now, don't all bid at once. Yes, yes, I'm listen- 
ing. That's right. Keep it up, You can't all have 
this one pair, and they go to that man over there, 
cheap as dirt and good as gold. Here's another 
suit. Shall we start them where the other left off 
— and who speaks first?" 



f>» 



100 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR, 

The second set went higher than the first, and 
there was no trouble to close out the entire line, 
for the articles were good lookers and, as I had 
told them, the season was coming when the}'' 
would be needed. The watch went later on at a 
very good price, and, in fact, the entire stock of 
stuff rattled off like hot cakes, whilst I succeeded 
in keeping the crowd in good buying humor to the ■ 
very last. It took several weeks to- finish up the 
job, but when the hammer came down for the last 
time I had cleaned out everything, even to the 
empty boxes, and Carlysle had in his pocket sev- 
eral hundred dollars. I received a hundred for my 
labors, and might have had more, but I did not 
care to rob a man who had been my friend and 
had risked my gaining experience and confidence 
at his expense. We got out of the place together, 
but I dropped off the train at the next considerable 
city and, like Alexander, looked around for more 
worlds to conquer, 



CHAPTER VI. 



Getting a Knowledge of Scheme Goods — 
Frightening the Ladies — Trick at Church 
Fair — Street Work — The Catchy Little 
Lookbacks — Giving Them Away — The Horse 
and Loaf of Bread Trick — Handling Micro- 
scopes. 

I now had capital enough to purchase a stock 
of goods and to embark in the business of travel- 
ing salesman and fakir after the most approved 
fashion. 

Unfortunately, perhaps, I had no such stock to 
my hand, and as yet not sufficiently versed in the 
ways of the trade to know exactly what I wanted, 
or where to get it. At present I was inclined to 
wait until I could hear from Dr. Carter before 
making any investment. I was willing to trust to 
his judgment, rather than to anyone else, as to 



102 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

what would be a swift selling novelty, and how to 
handle it. 

Later on I was* seldom thus at fault. 

There are thousands of firms throughout the 
country which transact their 'business exclusively 
through agents. Many of them make a specialty 
of fakirs' goods, and are always on the lookout for 
something new. They get all the novelties, as 
fast as they come out, and bring them before the 
public by advertising. 

I afterwards watched the want columns of all 
the newspapers, and wrote to different firms for 
their catalogues. I did not patronize every firm, 
but by thus getting in touch with them I was able 
to keep posted on everything new in the market, 
and thereby make a selection of the best. 

Of this course I had some idea, having been 
posted by the professor; but as yet had not had 
time to put it in practice. However, I did not intend 
to remain idle in the interim. Time was money, 
and I could not afford to squander either. I 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 103 

looked over the city in a hurry, and began to feel 
almost ashamed. Here was a whole day almost 
gone, and I had done nothing. I might hear from 
the doctor as early as the following day, but that 
was not tonight. What was I to do with myself? 
Perhaps the hours were not so nearly lost as I im- 
agined, but I certainly felt uneasy. Not being able 
to find work, work found me. 

It so happened that the good women of the Bap- 
tist church had a fair going on in the town hall, 
the proceeds to go for new furniture 
for the parsonage, their young minis- 
ter having been lately married. This was 
the last night, and they had a number of 
articles on hand which it was proposed to auction 
off. Among them was a large cake, beautifully 
frosted and decorated, which they had believed 
would bring them good money. 

Unfortunately, at the last moment, word came 
that the auctioneer could not be present. 

Here was a pretty kettle of fish. It is not every 



i04 TWENTY YEARS A FAKttt, 

one who can play the auctioneer, and the crowd 
had been counting on having as much amusement 
as profit out of this closing sale. 

I heard the members anxiously whispering 
among themselves, with many ahs and plenty of 
ohs, and to listen to thern one would suppose that 
the whole church outfit was on the verge of ruin. 
Though my native modesty would have kept me 
out of the ring, I could not stand the sight of their 
tribulation, and came to the front with a smile, 
offering my services in as bland and genteel a 
manner as I was capable of assuming. 

I was a stranger to them all, except so far as I 
had made a few friends that evening through 
some liberal patronage at a few of the various 
stands, but after looking me over they must have 
decided there was something in my appearance 
quite in my favor. They promptly accepted my 
services, and I took a place on the stand without 
hesitation. A man who had lately cleaned out 
such an old stock of goods as I had done would 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 105 

hardly have much fear of tackling a prize cake at 
a church festival. 

Pushing up my cuffs I began: 

"Ladies and gentlemen : It is hardly necessary 
to remark that I am a stranger within your gates, 
and a very strange stranger at that. I want to 
tell you that you have a very fine little city — the 
greatest one, in fact, I ever saw — especially for a 
man who is about down to bed-rock. When I landed 
here this morning I was expecting remittances. I 
had just ten cents in my pocket, and was hungry 
as a bear. Yes, sirs and madames, I was just 
awfully hungry. I do believe if I had found a 
map of the world at that moment I could have 
eaten the Sandwich Islands. 
"""But listen. I went into a restaurant and, walk- 
ing up to the waiter, said, 'See here, my man, what 
do you charge for chickens?' 'Two dollars 
apiece/ he replied. 'What do you charge for eggs 
and bread and butter V I asked. 'Four eggs for a 
dime and the rest thrown in/ was his answer. 



106 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. \ 

'Give me the four eggs/ said I ; and would you 
believe it, the first egg I opened I found a chicken. 
There I was, one dollar and ninety cents ahead on 
the first clatter. 

'Then I went around to a hotel to put up for 
the day, and I hadn't more than registered when 
the strangest thing happened you ever heard of. 
All the victuals in the kitchen got into an argu- 
ment. There was a piece of chicken on the shelf 
and it saw the Worcestershire sauce at the other 
end. Turning to the salt it said, 'Will you please 
pass me that bottle of liniment, I've got the rheu- 
matism ;' and that started the biggest kind of a 
fight. It was a regular rough and tumble affair, 
in which everybody took a hand except the syrup 
— that was too stuck up. The coffee was weak, 
and made a poor showing, but the sugar was 
rather sweet on it and turned in to help it out. 
The vinegar looked on with a sour, sarcastic air. 
without interfering, and the pepper was so bitter 
at the whole crowd it just urged them all to fight 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 107 

the harder. The butter thought it was pretty 
strong and pitched in for a little fun, but they 
soon melted it. The cook stove, which was nurs- 
ing a fire, watched the fight from its door, and was 
beginning to get pretty warm. The longer it : 
looked at them the hotter it grew, until it couldn't 
stand it any more and began to yell for the police. 
Oh, it was terrible. The cabbage came out with a 
swelled head, *the potatoes were all mashed to 
pieces, the chicken got an awful roast, and there is 
no telling where the thing would have ended if a 
big Irish policeman had not just then appeared on 
the scene. I slipped out while he was attending to 
the fighters, and, going to the postoffice, found, 
thank heaven, that my remittances had arrived 
and for that reason I was able to do my whole 
duty tonight in patronizing this estimable institu- 
tion. 

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, I appear before 
you in the capacity of auctioneer for this magnifi- 
cent, double-decked, thoroughbred, high-stepping, 



108 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

copper-bottomed, fast-sailing, number one church 
cake, warranted not to pinch in the armholes, pull 
apart in the seams, or show the stains of grease, 
gravy, petroleum or lard oil. One bite of this 
cake is a revelation, and two insures a dream." 

After -going on this way I asked for bids, but 
no one would say a word or start the cake. They 
seemed to be backward about speaking. At last 
I said : "You all know, in selling goods at auction, 
that it is customary to take winks for a bid, but 
perhaps that won't do in this case. No, a wink 
won't do, but Til tell you what will, and that is, a 
smile. If you don't care to wink, or talk, just 
look at me and smile and I'll catch the meaning all 
the same." 

Naturally, this puckered the majority of 
mouths for a smile at the very outset, and begin- 
ning that cake at one dollar, two dollars, three dol- 
lars, four dollars, etc., I ran it rapidly up to sixty 
dollars. I kept up a running fire of jokes, and 
every time I caught a smile on a pair of lips I 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 119 

would yell an extra dollar bid. Then I said : 
'Sixty dollars, last call. Once, twice, three times, 
sold to — ■ I got that far, but in the rush which 
followed my voice could not possibly have been 
heard. The way those women scattered was a 
sight to see. 

They were frightened, because every one had 
smiled at some part or other of the harangue, and 
there was great fear I had accepted that smile for. 
a bid and would compel some one of them to take 
that cake. So they fled, pell-mell, to the different 
corners of the hall, and I was much afraid they 
would never stop until they had reached home. 

When, however, peace was restored, I explained 
that it was all a joke, and they came back with 
such looks of relief on their faces that I had to 
laugh myself. The cake was offered a second 
time, and finally knocked down to a bona fide pur- 
chaser at ten dollars and twenty cents. Amid 
much cheering I retired from the stand, the hero 
of the hour. 



110 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

If there was no immediate profit in this, there 
was pleasure and practice, and I went to my hotel 
tolerably well satisfied with the way I had spent 
the evening. The next day, as I had hoped, I 
heard from the doctor. 

He told me in his letter that he had forwarded 
me a supply of the Goldentine Pens, and several 
other articles which he thought I could manage. 
He also gave an outline of the way he thought 
they could best be handled ; and after looking the 
articles over I determined to follow his sugges- 
tions, adding some amendments of my own. As 
the business at the church fair had given me some 
little reputation, I thought I could not do better 
than begin operations that very evening. 

Since then, when engaged in street faking, I 
have generally had with me a musical assistant or 
two. Nothing will draw a crowd quicker than a 
few vigorous plunks on a banjo, or the squeak of 
a fiddle played "well up in G." Not having such 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. Hi 

an assistant, I was fortunate enough to be able to 
secure some local talent. 

After a little music I stood up, made by bow, 
and gave about the following harangue : 

"Gentlemen, with your kind permission, I will 
entertain you for a few moments with a few tricks 
in legerdemain. I am a stranger in your place 
and hope to show you strange things. India is 
supposed to be the land of magic and the home of 
the conjuror, but India itself has never invented 
anything equal to that which I propose to do be- 
fore your astonished eyes tonight. The first trick 
is one of my own invention, and one which no 
other man in the world than myself has ever suc- 
cessfully performed. 

"Five years ago I offered one thousand dollars 
to any man who could do it, and tonight I will 
double the offer. I will give two thousand dollars 
in cold cash to the individual who will do the 
trick, and grant him full privilege to watch me 
while I am working. 



112 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

"What is this wonderful feat? I will tell you, 
gentlemen. I propose to take a loaf of bread, a 
common, every-day loaf of bread, and right here, 
before your very eyes, turn it into a horse, a real, 
prancing, living, breathing horse. 

"I was at Newton the other night, and while 
preparing to do the trick a man in the audience in- 
terrupted me by saying to one of his friends, 'Bill, 
I know how he does it. He's got that horse up his 
sleeve/ 

"Now, in order to convince my audience that 
there was no truth in the explanation, I shall, 
while doing this feat, take off my coat and roll up 
my shirt sleeves. This certainly ought to be 
enough to convince the most skeptical. 

"I have just sent for a loaf of bread," (after a 
few whispered words the "local" musician had 
suddenly taken his departure) "and while the 
young man is gone, allow me to talk for a few 
moments concerning a little article I have with me 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 113 

here, an article by the assistance of which, in real- 
ity, I do some of my most singular feats. 

"Understand, gentlemen, I am not going to 
sell these articles, but intend to give them away to 
those fortunate individuals who apply before the 
limited supply is exhausted. 

"The instrument is known as the Microscopic 
Look-Back, and was an original invention of my 
own while I was on the detective police force. The 
only reason why I don't sell them is because the 
law forbids me doing so. But, my friends, in this 
great and glorious land of ours, which lies under 
the stars and stripes, where every man is free and 
endowed with certain inalienable rights, there is 
no law which can stop my giving them away. 

"I can the better explain to you the benefits of 
this little instrument by giving some practical 
illustrations of its use." 

While putting up this talk I would be holding in 
my hands the neat little box with its internal mir- 
ror, and now I would place it to my eye. 



114 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

"I will ask some gentleman back of me to do 
something. With the aid of this instrument I. will 
tell him what he did. Somebody behind me, please 
do something. 

"Ah, there is a gentleman raising his right 
hand. He now lowers it and raises his left. He 
now closes his first two fingers, and is laughing. 

"There on his right is another gentleman who is 
raising his hat. He is putting it on again." 

I would go on like this for perhaps five minutes, 
the actions of the persons behind me increasing in 
interest and complexity; then I would continue: 

"Now, gentlemen, this little instrument, as you 
may imagine, can be used in a great many differ- 
ent ways besides seeing through the back of your 
head. 

"You might wish to* follow some one without 
being seen. If the object of your chase should 
turn a block ahead, you would not have to follow. 
You could simply »stand on the corner, hold your 
little box back at an angle of about twenty degrees 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 115 

— in this manner — and it would bring every ob- 
ject on that street to your eyes. 

"If you are suspicious of your best girl, and 
want to watch the other fellow while he calls on 
her, don't sneak up to the house and peep through 
the window. Take your little Look-Back, place 
this end to the keyhole and your eye at the other 
and the entire surroundings will be disclosed. 

"The little box which you see in my hands has 
within it such a combination of lenses and glasses, 
all arranged in such a scientific way, that they 
throw a picture of objects to the center of the box, 
where they are exposed to the eye. 

"If you want to watch an eclipse you can do so 
with this little Look-Back; and if you want to 
sight the smallest thing at the longest distance, 
there you have it. And, by the way, if you want 
to gaze on the smiling countenance of your best 
girl without using the keyhole, or being seen, just 
place yourself directly under her window, use this 



1 16 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

little instrument, and I don't care if she lives forty 
stories high you can spot her every time. 

"The bad boy got hold of one of these and dis- 
covered a new use for it. He looked through the 
wrong end at a lamp post, and found that it 
turned the post upside down. Would you believe 
it, gentlemen, after that he stood on the street cor- 
ner, gazing at the passers-by, and had every man, 
woman and child walking upside down. 

"Of course, I don't want any of you to do the 
same thing, because it would be unfair and 
wouldn't be nice. 

"Now, before I begin to hand them out, I wish 
to show you an article that is related to the Look- 
Back, and, in fact, goes with it. It is a microscope 
— not like the ordinary ones, but one that magni- 
fies one hundred thousand times larger, according 
to its size and power, than anything that has ever 
been discovered. It is something every man should 
own, from the fact that he can make it pay for 
itself a thousand times over. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 117 

"In buying your groceries, for instance, you can 
discover any and all adulterations by its aid. The 
same with the water which you drink— any im- 
purities in it can be easily seen. 

"If you buy a suit of clothes, the microscope . 
comes in handy again, for by its aid you can find 
out whether your clothes are all wool, or mixed 
with cotton. If you need a sunglass, or want to 
do anything which requires an acuteness of sight 
beyond the limit of the human eye, you can be as- 
sisted by the microscope. 

"There are a thousand and one other uses for 
this little instrument, but you all know what it is 
and it is needless for me to go into any further 
statement of its merits. 

"I wish to explain that I am here to introduce 
these microscopes, and that I have orders to place 
them with every drug and jewelry store; in your 
city. The price will be from two to three dollars, 
and if you wish them after I am gone you can get 
them from your local dealers at those figures. 



1 18 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

"I am going to sell them tonight, however, for 
the purpose of introduction, and for the small sum 
of twenty-five cents; and with every microscope 
that is sold I will give one of these valuable I cok- 
Backs, free of charge. The first man who passes 
me up a quarter gets a pair of these valuable arti- 
cles. Thank you, sir; you break the ice, and for 
the rest of your life you will be thanking me." 

The quarters began to roll in, and my local tal- 
ent was kept busy in helping me keep track of the 
people in the crowd who wanted to he customers. 
They had already helped me out in "looking back- 
ward/' but the musician I had sent for a loaf of 
bread must have forgotten me, since he never re- 
turned. Of course, I never actually attempted to 
do the trick, but used the patter to interest the 
crowd, and if asked for it would make some comi- 
cal excuse which would raise a laugh. 

The "Look-Backs" cost me fifty cents per dozen 
and the microscopes fifty-eight. 



CHAPTER VII. 



The Museum Scheme and the Six Widows 
— Traveling Without Paying Railroad Fare 
— Living on Free Lunches — At a Low Ebb — 
The Animated Chocolate Drop — Old 
Auntie From Smoky Row — The Corn Doc- 
tor — The Excited Mob — Not Only Broke, 
But Dead-Broke — The Letter From Home — 
Getting Out of Town. 

Of course, it would take up too much time to 
tell of all my wanderings and my numerous ups 
and downs. My idea is not to give more than one 
experience with any particular line of business, 
and in that show just how I worked, and indicate 
about what was my percentage of profit. 

I worked off the stock of goods sent me C. O. 
D. by my friend, the professor, bought a number 
of other stocks on my own account, and covered 
considerable territory. If my success was great, 



120 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

however, my personal expenses were large. I 
was not naturally an extravagant man, had not 
very well remembered the lessons of economy, and 
wealth did not accumulate in my hands as rapidly 
as the reader might suppose. 

One morning I woke up with nothing special Oil 
my hands, and just three liundred dollars in my 
pockets. Impelled by what was probably a whim 
to start in some permanent business, I went to the 
town of Marshall, Georgia, on a prospecting tour. 
I saw no opening there which impressed me favor- 
ably, until, while I was waiting undecided what to 
do, I met the manager of a theatrical company 
which had just stranded in a neighboring city. 

After a little conversation, an idea struck me, 
which I immediately carried into effect. I made 
my arrangements with the manager for himself 
and the six female members of the company, giv- 
ing the gentleman enough money to get out of 
town. I rented a large hall, and opened it up as 
an original museum. We put the six ladies on 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 121 

exhibition as the principal and, in fact, the only 
attraction, advertising them as six beautiful 
widows in search of husbands. 

Each exhibition was interspersed with little ora- 
tions, in which we gave the ages and pedigrees of 
the different ladies, together with the amount of 
cash each one had in her own right. Every eligible 
single gentleman was entitled to registration by 
name or number — or by both — as a candidate for 
the hand of the lady he might select, and we 
started in with the number something like 22,911. 
The choice of the lady was to be made at the end 
of the season. 

The widows looked very charming in their 
fancy full dress costumes, and did several digni- 
fied - 'turns' ' in singing and legitimate theatricals, 
proving a great drawing card with the sterner 
sex. For a while the dimes and quarters came 
rolling in pretty fast, but eventually the novelty 
began to wear off and the audiences thinned out, 
so that I decided to shift my field of operations. 



122 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

My expenses had really been heavier than I knew. 
The manager gambled and lost a great deal of our 
capital; the various widows had divided up into 
pairs, each jealous of the others. The brightest 
lady of the troupe fell sick of a fever, the most 
beautiful one eloped with a worthless actor, one 
was really married to a planter residing in the 
neighborhood of Marshall, who bravely followed 
her up and cut her out from under my very nose, 
and two more "silently stole away" the very night 
of the walking of the ghost, leaving me with just 
a remnant of one charming widow on my hands. 

Fearful lest I might be led into the only ap- 
parently legitimate outcome, that of marrying the 
unexpended balance, I left that lady the entire 
remnant of my fortune, amounting in all to about 
forty dollars, only reserving enough to get me out 
of town, and then ran away myself. It had taken 
about four months to find out that, though my 
ideas might be both original and good, I was not 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 123 

cut out for a successful museum manager. I quit 
the business a sadder and wiser man. 

At that time the business of securing "free 
transportation" had not been brought down to the 
present fine point. Perhaps one reason was that 
most any person with a plausible excuse and the 
gall to apply could secure a pass from New Or- 
leans to Halifax. 

In my hours of prosperity, of course, I paid my 
fare over the railroads, the same as any other mil- 
lionaire; when stranded I only walked when it 
was impossible to ride. 

There was no special ingenuity displayed in 
beating the railroad, as long as my baggage had 
been forwarded by express, and I was not fastid- 
ious about my surroundings. Of course, there 
was a strong probability of being "ditched" before 
reaching destination, but that was part of the 
game. Occasionally I borrowed a box-car or rode 
the "blind baggage." In moments of dark ad- 
versity, I was ready to try a brake beam or find a 



1 24 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

hiding place in the back part of the tender. I have 
ridden on top of. a passenger coach, in the manger 
of a palace horse car, and even taken a flyer on the 
pilot of an express train. Once, when I was hard 
up and it was of vital importance for me to reach 
a town where a prepaid package of goods was 
awaiting me, I boldly went into a smoking car 
where there were four men sitting in seats facing 
each other. They had been traveling for some 
time and were going a long distance. The con- 
ductor had stuck his checks in the bands of their 
hats, and was not likely to pay them more than 
passing attention. As I entered, one of them got 
up and went out. I immediately dropped into his 
seat, and, taking off my hat, was busily engaged 
reading a newspaper when the conductor came 
around. Nine times out of ten this risky plan 
would have been a failure, but my lucky star hap- 
pened to be in the ascendant, the conductor mis- 
took me for the other fellow and passed me by. 
Before he noticed it I had reached my destination, 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 125 

I tried no such scheme as this at Marshall, how- 
ever. I simply went out on the blind baggage. 
There may, indeed, have been a door in the front 
end— in those days there generally was — but, if 
so, it made no difference. I sat on the steps of the 
first platform and evaded the lynx-eyed glances 
of the captain. 

Just how I got to Mobile I'll never tell you, but 
get there I did, and it took me several weeks to 
do so. 

At that moment I was almost ready to forswear 
my occupation and settle down into the permanent 
and legitimate; but, alas, no opening presented 
itself, and I was forced to fall back on my wits. 
Luck had for some time been dead against me, and 
several promising schemes failed to work. I sup- 
pose I did not put soul enough into them. I had 
been living on free lunches longer than I cared to 
remember, and was growing desperate. 

There was certainly game afoot somewhere, if 
I could only find it, and I strolled down, at last, to 



126 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

a part of the city where the colored population was 
largely concentrated. There I caught sight of an 
immense colored woman, and at once evolved a 
scheme. I went over, did some lively talking, and 
in the end struck up' a bargain. There were a few 
dimes yet in my pocket, which I spent for muslin 
and the hire of a hack to bring her up in triumph 
to an empty store-room which I had hired without 
permission. 

I have already alluded to my knack of sign 
making and lettering. For a few pennies I pro- 
cured the loan of a paint pot, and fell to work on 
a gigantic banner for a place on the outer wall. It 
ran like this : 

"The Animated Chocolate Drop!" 
See the Curiosity of the Age! 

This Is 

The Biggest, Blackest, Ugliest 

Thing You Ever Saw. 

Living, Breathing, Seeing, Speaking, 

Chunk of 

5,000 Pounds. 

One Sight Will Be a Joy for a Lifetime! 

Walk In. 



TWENTY YEAR8 A FAKIR. 127 

With this I covered the bay window on the out- 
side, thus making it serve the double purpose of 
advertisement and curtain. Then, taking my 
stand at the door, I fell to work. 

A good many people were passing that way, 
and with my knowledge of human nature it was 
not hard to pick out half a dozen of the right sort 
for free admission. Securing these as a start for 
an audience, I began my outside oration on the an- 
imated chocolate drop, the mountain of flesh, 
the visible evolution of the protoplastic through 
the missing link of Darwin's chain. I talked of 
the baboons of Sumatra and the Dyaks of Bor- 
neo ; of the chimpanzee of Abyssinian deserts and 
the gorrilla of the Congo — "And all this lesson 
to be learned for the small sum of half a dime. 
The lecture itself is worth the money, and the 
sight of the chocolate drop would be cheap at a 
fortune." 

What my audience thought I never knew nor 
cared, so long as they did not mob me. It is an 



12$ TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

actual fact that over two hundred people paid a 
nick* a piece to see the wonder of the age— which 
was c 1y old "auntie" from Smoky Row, throned 
on the counter and feeling as big as a box-car. 
After deducting expenses I divided fairly with 
the old woman, sending her home again in a hack, 
while I proceeded to leave the neighborhood as 
soon as possible, before the questions of rent or 
trespass and license should come up. It seemed a 
miracle that I had not been stranded on one of 
them. 

But here I was, after the briefest of business 
adventures, with five dollars in my pocket, and 
again at a loss. That evening I once more ran 
over the list of my available accomplishments, to 
see which one was most applicable; and happened 
to think of one which had been escaping my mind. 
What was to prevent my pursuing the vocation 
of a corn doctor ? 

True enough, my knowledge w r as theoretical 
rather than practical, having been gleaned from a 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 129 

few incidental remarks made by Professor Car- 
ter; but I thought I remembered all he had said 
on the subject, and was 'sure that anything more 
would be confusing. I decided to launch out the 
next morning and test for myself the possibilities 
of the profession. 

In the outset, I may as well premise that as a 
corn doctor I was a miserable failure, and after 
the first day's experience never had the nerve to 
attempt the scheme again. I had none too much 
confidence in the start, and before the day's work 
was done had mentally vowed that the corn doc- 
tor was the most worthless piece of mechanism 
ever manufactured. 

The day bid fair to be blazing hot, and the 
chances were that before getting through I would 
be hotter. I went along, trying to muster up 
courage, and laughing at myself for a cowardice 
which I had never felt since breaking the ice with 
calling cards. What troubled me was the fact 
that my inexperienced hand would most likely be 



130 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

employed, if at all, on the corns and bunions of 
the sweeter sex, and I felt shy of presenting my- 
self as a spectacle for their roguish or discrim- 
inating eyes. Door after door I passed, and at 
l~ui one my courage failed me and I went on with 
a muttered "not yet." 

"This will never do," I said to myself at length. 
"At the fifth house from this I stop and begin 
work. Rich or poor, young or old, high or low, 
no matter what state or condition of men, women 
or children I may meet with, I intend to extract 
their corns, eradicate their bunions, and obtain the 
full market price for my services." 

The fifth house was a neat cottage and the name 
of Higbie was on the door. I rang the bell and a 
young lady appeared at the threshold. 

Good heavens ! If it had been her grandmother 
the case would have been bad enough, but I con- 
fess the sight of this beautiful young lady, with 
the big blue eyes and the lovely golden hair, friz- 
zled all over her head in some bewildering man- 



f TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 131 

ner, broke my nerve at the very outset. I felt an 
immediate desire to ask for a glass of water, but 
remembered that I had exhausted that racket in 
my Chicago experience, and came to business as 
well as I could. 

The longer I thought of those wide blue eyes 
which were on me, the more confused and excited 
I became, and the less inclined I felt to break the 
ice, though I knew it had to be done in some way. 
When, at length, in a very sweet voice, she asked 
what I wanted, I blurted out: 

"Do you want to buy any corns today? Ah — 
oh, no — I don't mean that. I wanted to ask if you 
had any corns in here. That is — are you — no — 
so to speak — I am a corn doctor, selling corns, 
bunions and ingrowing toe nails. I have only a 
few more left of the same sort, and I am disposing 
of them ridiculously cheap/ ' 

And right then I brought up with a short turn. 
I had started in on the wrong string, and for the 
life of me could not stop until I had made a mess 



132 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

of it. When I realized what I had done I stam- 
mered a little and was speechless. Somehow, that 
young lady affected me as no young woman ever 
did, before or since. 

She seemed to notice my predicament, for she 
said, very sweetly: 

"Oh, you are a corn doctor, are you?" 

"Yes, miss, I am — a graduate of the Entaw 
Chiropedic Institution, and with seven years' ex- 
perience. Corns, as you know, are divided into 
two classes — the curable and the incurable, the 
latter being most generally found on the feet of 
persons well advanced in life, though sometimes 
affecting the younger. Under the new system 
their removal is practically painless and but the 
work of a moment. A bare glance is sufficient to 
decide as to the treatment required. If there are 
any corns in this household I shall be happy to in- 
spect them, and until the operation is decided on 
the consultation will not cost you a cent." 

Once started, my confounded glib tongue ran 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 133 

away^with me. Before I knew it I had Miss Hig- 
bie — that was her name, Miss Mattie Higbie — 
converted to my way of thinking. While I was 
talking I gradually edged my way into the house, 
and when I politely suggested she show me the 
corn she had admitted the ownership of, she con- 
sented without hesitation. 

Alas ! the work of my tongue was more artistic 
than the work of my hand. I must have still been 
bewildered, for on seeing that corn I fell on it in 
haste, and without preliminary exhortations tore 
it out by the roots. 

I had said the operation would be painless. On 
the contrary, the pain was so intense that the 
young lady gave a scream and fell back fainting. 

I did not lose my wits as completely as I might 
have done, but, raising her head, I shouted for 
water. Mrs. Higbie came running into the room 
with a whole basin full, which she dashed into 
Miss Mattie's face, and under this heroic treat- 



134 TWENTY YEAR8 A FAKIR. 

merit the young lady began to revive. I have since 
wondered whether she had entirely fainted. 

"You horrid man/' she exclaimed, faintly; "I 
just allowed you to look at my corn. Nobody said 
you might jerk it out. I shan't pay you a cent/' 

"And I tell you," shouted Mrs. Higbie, "that 
you had better be getting away from here before 
I get a bucket of hot water. If I get a scald on 
you the hair will come off, bristles and all." 

From which I judged she was acquainted with 
the implements and process of hog killing, and 
that it was time for me to leave. I slipped out of 
the house speechless, made my way to the hotel, 
and vowed this was the last time I would ever pose 
as a corn doctor. 

That evening the landlord, or the hotel clerk, or 
whoever was running the carvansarie I stopped at, 
got me in a corner, and before the interview was 
ended I was broke. Not only broke, but dead- 
broke. By that time he had heard of some of the 
schemes I had worked, or tried to work, but worst 



TWENTY YEARS A EAKlR. 135 

of all a report had reached him of my late exploit 
as a corn doctor. After collecting all that was due 
him, completely emptying my pockets, he in- 
formed me that his hotel could shelter me no 
longer, and that if I wanted to avoid a coat of tar 
and feathers it would be well for me to leave the 
city on the first train. As an afterthought he 
handed me a letter, which had come for me to the 
hotel during my absence. 

Through all my wanderings I had kept in pretty 
close touch with the old folks at home, and usually 
I was glad enough to receive a letter dated from 
the spot I loved so well. 

But this made me mad rather than glad, and 
yet the tidings in it were pleasant enough. My 
sister was to be married soon, and sent an urgent 
request, backed by both father and mother, that I 
should return home in time for her wedding. 

You can imagine my feelings. Here I was, 
hundreds of miles from home, without a cent in 
my pockets, or a roof in sight under which I 



136 TWENTY YEARS A FAKttt. 

might lay my head, and the folks at home were re- 
joicing in my prosperity and inviting me to a 
wedding. 

Thus far my life had been a pretty stormy one. 
I had worked numberless schemes, visited towns 
by the hundred, and had experience by the cubic 
ton, but I had no money. By this time, too, I 
scarcely had decent clothes. When I began to 
figure the whole thing over, and thought of my 
sister's approaching marriage, and how I would 
like to be there to see the old folks and all th^ 
neighbors, I tell you right now I was pretty blue. 

It was, of course, an impossibility to get home, 
and I decided to write a letter telling them so, giv- 
ing some plausible excuse if I could think of one, 
but the more I thought of my present condition 
the madder I got. I finally rose up and shook my- 
self together. 

"Look here, old boy," I thought to myself, 
"this will never do. The world is large, other peo- 
ple are making a living in it, and more than a liv- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 137 

ing. There is money enough going, and all that 
you want to do is to see that you get your share. 
Here goes." 

I took a start toward the office door, and it 
seems it was a relief to mine host. 

"Hope you don't go away mad," he said, "but 
the fact is, I can't afford to have a lynching party 
raid my hotel. Don't tell anyone I warned you, 
but get out of sight as soon as possible. The won- 
der is the crowd is not here now." 

I made no great haste, but I certainly did not 
linger, and it is an actual fact that before I had got 
two squares away the crowd had commenced to 
gather and I could hear someone shouting, "Bring 
out the blamed rascal." 

There was no use for me to go to the railroad 
station. Indeed, that was the very place for me to 
avoid. Without a doubt, the landlord would give 
the gang the tip that I had promised to leave town 
by the next train, and they would look for me 
there. There was no train leaving for at least an 



138 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

hour, and in that time a great deal that was un- 
pleasant could happen. 

In my penniless condition, and with such 
trouble imminent, I knew that my best plan was to 
get out of town and into the country ; and not only 
that, but to get as far away as I could in the short- 
est time possible, trusting to finding something on 
the road to keep the mill of life going until luck 
took a more friendly turn. 

Fortunately, I got away without personal dam- 
age, and before long was plodding along the coun- 
try road, safe but sullen, and it was some time be- 
fore my face took on its usual smiling expression 
and I become again the debonnaire soldier of fate. 

The change which turned my fortunes occurred 
in this way : 

I heard behind me the rattle of wheels and the 
swift stepping of horses. Looking back over my 
shoulder I saw a two-horse wagon, with a falling 
top over the seat in front, coming towards me at 
a clipping gait. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 139 

The driver drew up a trifle as he neared me and 
I braced up sufficiently to ask him for a ride. 

Without hesitating to consider, he came to a 
full stop and I climbed in. The tide had turned 
again and I was to get the advantage of its flow. 
We soon became very congenial, and when we 
had exchanged confidences, and I had suggested 
that I was open for an engagement, my newly- 
made friend fell in with the idea at once. He was 
a fakir himself, at present in the patent medicine 
business, traveling with his own rig. 

It did not take us long to reach an understand- 
ing. For the present he was to pay my expenses 
in return for my assistance, and I was to be at 
liberty to work my side schemes when not en- 
gaged about his affairs. 



CHAPTER VIII. 



The New Doctor and Professional Grafter 
— Medicine Fake — The Electric Battery 
and Money — Fun with Crowd on the Street 
— Selling Pipes and Giving Watches Away 
— Fooling the Farmers — The Circus, Tur- 
nips and the Elephant — Working the 
Hotel Landlords. 

Once more I had fallen in with a doctor, and 
though I never considered him as finished an oper- 
ator as Prof. Carter, he was certainly one of the 
smoothest men I ever met. He worked his rack- 
ets after what were then largely new methods, 
though now they may seem old enough to most 
people. 

He drove a very lively team, for which I soon 
found there was a reason, and that he had the 
strength and the skill to control it. He always 
had half a dozen fakes on tap, and when the hour 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 141 

did not seem ripe for one he tried another. By 
this time I considered myself a pretty good work- 
man, and was really the glibber talker, but he 
undertook and carried through schemes which I 
would hardly then have cared to tackle, though I 
have made money out of some of them since. His 
wagon was light running, easy riding, and built 
for his business. It must have cost him a very 
pretty penny to have it prepared, but he certainly 
made his profit out of it, in working various 
things, one of which being what, in conversation 
with me, he called "the battery scheme." It was 
the most complicated fake I had up to that time 
ever met with, but it had its drawbacks, and I 
often wondered that Doctor Munson had never 
been shot. There is nothing that makes the aver- 
age man madder than to be laughed at by a crowd 
for being fooled when he thinks he has a sure 
thing. Yet, the doctor simply made an offer with- 
out any explanations, and if the fools were silly 
enough to believe that he was going to give them 



142 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

all there was in sight, and took him up in the 
blind, they deserved to lose a little coin and much 
self-respect. 

The doctor had a small flight of stairs covered 
with copper, which could be placed so that it led 
into the carriage. 

In the carriage was a nice little copper-covered 
table, or stand, and the stairway and table would 
be connected with a galvanic battery at the bot- 
tom of the carriage. On the table would be dis- 
played several stacks of coin, of different denom- 
inations, ranging from one to twenty dollars. 

While addressing the crowd the doctor would 
carelessly finger the money, showing that it was 
perfectly loose. He would close his remarks by 
saying that any man who would give him twenty- 
five cents would receive permission to come up 
into the wagon, and all the money he could scoop 
up in one grab would be his own. After that he 
would turn a button, which established the cir- 
cuit with the battery, and wait for victims. With 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 143 

his persuasive tongue he was pretty certain to ob- 
tain them, but the moment that one tried to step 
from the stairway to the wagon he would form a 
connection for conducting the galvanic circuit 
through his body, and it operated so strongly that 
it would be impossible for the man to take any- 
thing; he was only too glad to get away alive. 

Of course, the circuit could be turned off by the 
doctor, without the action being seen by the 
crowd, and there were some places where the 
whole thing remained a totally unexplained mys- 
tery. Half of the audience would declare the 
poor, miserable victims were in collusion with the 
doctor, and could reach the money if they tried to, 
while the other half thought the fun of the thing 
was worth twenty-five cents, and would yell with 
laughter every time a man would step up the cop- 
per stairs. 

As I was to be his assistant, Dr. Munson ex- 
plained to me his methods, and we had several re- 
hearsals along the road, though I soon convinced 



144 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

him that there was not much difference between 
Jack and his master. 

At times he made two trips through the section 
of the country, if it seemed likely to prove profit- 
able. On the first trip he was careful what he 
said and did, so that there would be nothing to 
interfere with his coming again. He then carried 
the "Pain Balm," good for internal as well as ex- 
ternal application. He seldom attempted to sell 
a bottle, but left it with every responsible person 
he could get to accept the trust. The understand- 
ing was that if the individual meantime had 
found no need for the article, or did not care to 
purchase, Munson was to take it back on his next 
call. The price was one dollar a bottle, and the 
holder was at liberty to try the medicine in case 
he had need of it, and if it did not prove satisfac- 
tory the bottle could still be returned, provided 
the contents were not one-quarter gone. 

Usually, when the doctor came, at the expira- 
tion of about three weeks, three-fourths of the 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 145 

bottles would be returned. Even at that the 
scheme was good for ordinary profits, and when 
used in connection with street faking in the towns 
it helped the business amazingly. 

I have said that I had some knowledge of 
music. The doctor carried several instruments 
with him, and when we had practiced together 
for about a week we were able to give quite an 
interesting entertainment, not only drawing, but 
holding a large concourse of people. After that 
there were several methods of handling them. 
Before we had been traveling together a month 
I knew them all and one or the other of us would 
do the work, just as it happened. 

For instance: The crowd gathered and we 
started in by announcing to the good people that 
to every one who patronized us we would give a 
piece of pie. 

Then I gave a strong talk on the merits of the 
medicine, and began to offer it for sale. It was a, 



146 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

very cold day if I had not struck some purchasers 
in the audience, who had a quarter of a dollar — 
or fifty cents — to throw away, and a curiosity to 
see what the "pie" looked like. With every bot- 
tle or package I sold I would take the quarter re- 
ceived, add another to it, and place them in an 
envelope. This was done before their eyes, and 
as I threw the money in a little box I would re- 
mark, "There goes a piece of pie." 

After selling a dozen or fifteen packages at a 
quarter each, I would call up every man who had 
made a purchase and return his quarter, with the 
other quarter added to it, remarking as I did so: 

"There, sir, is your piece of pie." 

I would then start selling fifty-cent packages, 
and with every one sold would put the money, 
and an extra half, in the box as before, and sub- 
sequently returning the double portion. 

Apparently, we had money in inexhaustible 
quantities, and were willing to scatter it freely. 
By this time the crowd was entirely with us. We 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. ■ 1 47 

had what some people call the magnetic influence 
firmly established, and the closer the people 
packed together the stronger it worked. The man 
who does not believe in the possibility of getting 
something for nothing is a rara avis ; most any 
gudgeon will bite at the idea of doubling his 
money without risk or labor. I would begin to 
sell one dollar packages, adding two dollars to 
every one sold, and on calling the customers up 
to the carriage I returned them their dollars. 

By this time I had the crowd worked up to the 
proper pitch, and I would start to selling five- 
dollar and ten-dollar packages. With the money 
received for each five-dollar package I would 
place a ten-dollar gold piece, and with every ten 
dollars a twenty-dollar gold piece, the people sup- 
posing, of course, that it was going to be "pie." 
You will notice I made no promise beyond that of 
giving them "pie," and to that word they at- 
tached their own significance. 



143 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

After I had sold the last bottle I would clear 
my throat and say : 

"Now, gentlemen, before distributing this pie, 
which, I admit, is largely intended to advertise 
the most successful remedy ever placed on the 
market, I wish to make a few closing remarks 
about my business. 

"We are selling this medicine strictly on its 
merits, which we consider unsurpassed. If there 
is any man in this crowd who has purchased for 
any other reason than for its actual merits, I want 
that man to step right up here and get his money 
back. I want to impress you with the fact, even 
though I may be a street fakir, that I am an hon- 
est man, and, if I am aware of it, will never deal 
with a dishonest person, or one who doubts the 
quality of the goods I sell. 

"I also desire to add that if there is any one who 
questions the legitimacy of our advertising, who 
thinks it has been money thrown away, or so un- 
scrupulous or dishonest as to patronize me with 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 149 

the sole purpose of beating a poor street fakir, I 
ask him as a white man and a gentleman to come 
up here, get his money back and return the medi- 
cine before I distribute the 'pie.' Others who 
would use the article are vainly waiting to pur- 
chase, and this manly course may save some valu- 
able life in the near future. As for men of the 
other class, I neither ask their money, nor want 
their patronage." 

Then there would be a pause. Of course, no 
one would come up, and I would conclude by say- 
ing: 

"I promised every man who patronized me a 
piece of pie, and I am going to keep my word. 
The money is put in an envelope, and every gen- 
tleman who invested in the late sale will step up 
to the carriage, show his package and receive his 
pie." 

They would come crowding around, and after 
the doctor and I had distributed the envelopes 
with lightning rapidity, the driver would whip up 



150 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

the horses and we would go away at a gallop. 

The last envelopes we handed out contained 
only nickles. 

It takes nerve, of course, to do such work, and 
it did not do to repeat it often in the same part of 
the state, as news of it extended rapidly and to 
quite a distance. That made no difference to us. 
In the outset, it was agreed that I was to be at 
liberty to work my own side lines, and though I 
soon was recognized as a partner, rather than as 
an assistant, and was paid very fairly, I did not 
altogether neglect my private interests. Amongst 
other things, I had sent me, as soon as I had ob- 
tained a little more capital, a lot of imported 
pipes. They were made in Germany and were a 
close imitation of real meerschaum. Each had a 
neat imitation amber mouthpiece, and was packed 
in a dark paper case. The pipes were small, made 
in fancy designs, and cost me two dollars and a 
half a dozen. I made my profit by disposing of 
them between the legitimate sales of our medi- 
cine. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 151 

I had, also, some very pretty ladies' watches, 
gold plated, which I had bought for four dollars 
and a half each. With every twelve pipes sold I 
raffled off one of these watches, proceeding in a 
manner entirely original with me, as I shall ex- 
plain, j 

Perhaps the doctor had been fairly successful 
with medicine. Then we would give a little mus- 
ical interlude, and I would come forward. I 
would open with a nonsensical story, old now, but 
which was certainly very effective then. I had a 
dozen of them pat for every occasion, and by keep- 
ing an ear open for local news could make at least 
the opening of my address sound very appropri- 
ate. For instance, if I had heard of a runaway 
that created some little excitement I would begin 
like this: 

"While walking down your street this after- 
noon I was witness to a fearful runaway. 

"In a wagon drawn by a powerful and spirited 



152 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

team of horses was a man, with a couple whom I 
took to be his wife and child. At a glance I 
judged the man to be intoxicated, though per- 
haps I was mistaken. He was applying his whip 
in a frantic manner, as though to test the speed 
of his team right there in the public street, and 
the more he whipped the horses the faster they 
ran, and the more unmanageable they became. 
They kept going faster and faster and faster, 
until they looked like a whirlwind of horse flesh 
and a regular tornado of wagon fixtures. I heard 
the screams of the frightened woman, and the 
shrill cry of the terrified child. But I was power- 
less to reach them, and, gazing with clasped 
hands, could only whisper: 'God help them.' 

"Under such circumstances a catastrophe was 
inevitable, and it was not long in coming. In 
their madness the horses dashed into a lamp-post, 
wrecking the wagon and hurling the man, woman 
and child far into the street. 

"Providentially, as it might seem, not one of 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 153 

them was seriously injured, and the man, rising 
to his feet, began to swear over the ruins. The 
body of the wagon was in kindling wood, and 
one of the wheels, wrenched from its bearings, 
lay beside it. 

"A policeman unaccountably happened to be 
on the spot and took in the situation. 

"Without saying a word he picked up the 
wheel and marched with it to the station house. 

"That was a touch beyond me, and I have had 
considerable experience with the working of the 
average policeman's brain. I couldn't for the life 
of me understand what he meant by his action. 
My curiosity was aroused, and I followed for the 
purpose of investigation. 

"Walking up to the officer, I said, 'Mr. Police- 
man, what in the world was your idea in arrest- 
ing that wheel ?' 

"He answered, T did it because it was off its 
nut/ " 

Having jollied the people into a good humor by 



154 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

something like the foregoing, I would come down 
to the serious business of selling my pipes and 
raffling off the watches which went with them. 

I made a long talk on the watches, telling of the 
various processes they underwent before they 
could be called perfect timepieces — of the delicate 
hairspring, and the tiny, intricate mechanism en- 
closed in the case. Before I got through, it was 
safe to say that every man in the crowd wanted a 
watch for his wife or daughter, mother or sister, 
to say nothing of his best girl, if he had one. The 
pipes spoke for themselves, but my little oration 
included a fair description of their merits, and I 
usually had little difficulty in disposing of the 
dozen of them allotted to any particular evening, 
and I might add that both sides were well satis- 
fied. The pipes were very good while they lasted, 
and the watch went like a daisy — as long as the 
wheels turned round. I made good money out of 
the invoice, and in after days handled the same 
line of goods more than once. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 155 

I am sorry to say, the doctor was something of 
a beat. Though he always treated me fairly 
enough, all the rest of mankind seemed to be con- 
sidered his legitimate game, while the plunder of 
a landlord was his special delight. He had capi- 
tal enough at his command, but it appeared to me 
that he would sooner save fifty cents off his hotel 
bill than to make five dollars selling medicine. 

To tell the truth, I had not much sympathy 
with the average country landlord, and was not 
strongly averse to working him myself. He feeds 
his local trade for twenty-five cents per meal, and 
when an outsider calls charges him fifty cents or 
a dollar for the same thing. You can safely con- 
clude that however much a tale of woe may induce 
him to scale his prices, he is still making a living 
profit. 

When we arrived at a hotel the doctor would 
ask for the tariff sheet. If he was told it was two 
dollars a day he would state that he was no com- 
mercial drummer, working on salary witl ex- 



156 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

penses allowed, but just an ordinary vendor on 
his own account, who, in these hard times, found 
that to make both ends meet was a pretty tough 
proposition. Furthermore, that he was paying 
his own way, and couldn't stand the two dollars. 

As a result he would sometimes get rates as low 
as one dollar a day, for each of us. 

When we were ready to go, the doctor would 
ask for his bill, and then tell Mr. Landlord that 
business had been bad, that he had been obliged to 
pay a C. O. D. express bill, and that being about 
"flat broke" he did not see how he was to pay his 
account unless the landlord agreed to take it out 
in medicine at wholesale prices. 

Of course, there would be a kick, and he would 
go on with another proposition. 

'Til tell you what I can do, Mr. Landlord. I've 
got with me over thirty dollars worth of silver- 
ware that I was going to deliver to a lady in the 
next town. She ordered it from me the last time I 
was along. As I put up the money for it, I guess 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 157 

it's still mine to do what I want with, and if you'll 
take that and call it square, you can have it." 

The landlord would be a little interested at that, 
and the doctor would show him the silverware. 
Once get the man to looking at it, the rest fol- 
lowed. It made a good showing, and the doctor 
talked so artistically about the price, quality, etc., 
that the deal would almost invariably be closed. 
What that silverware cost it is unnecessary to say, 
but he always made a fair profit out of the opera- 
tion. He even sometimes wound up by selling for 
cash some silver polish or insect exterminator. 
He always had a full line to catch the landlords, 
even if other things ran short. I took note of 
these things and never forgot them. When travel- 
ing exclusively on my own account I used the 
same dodge, or some other closely akin to it. 

There was a great deal of humor about the doc- 
tor, and he was sometimes inclined to be a trifle 
revengeful. Here is a case in point : 

There was occasionally a town which, work at 



158 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

answer to our appeals, but the surrounding coun- 
it as we might, would absolutely refuse to do busi- 
ness. Why this was so, was more than I can ex- 
plain. We probably tried harder there than else- 
where, but some how the conditions were not 
right. I remember once in our travels we hit such 
a town, and not only did the town refuse to 
try was just as bad. We could not even leave a 
gratuitous bottle of "Pain Balm" on free trial. 

Before long we caught on to the fact that from 
the flashy appearance of the wagon the farmers 
believed it belonged to the circus we had noticed 
was advertised to appear at the town the follow- 
ing week. The doctor made up his mind that that 
was the reason. In the moral mind the. circus 
man is credited with surpassing shrewdness in all 
business matters. 

For the moment the doctor was mad enough, 
but he quickly cooled down and determined to 
play a little trick on them in return. He quit try- 
ing to sell goods, and became a buyer. The fields 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 159 

were fairly stocked with turnips and he told every 
farmer he could meet that he was purchasing 
agent for the circus, representing that he was out 
contracting for turnips to feed the elephants. I 
am afraid to say how many wagon-loads it took 
daily to supply the needs of the show, but he 
offered enormous prices for turnips by the wagon- 
load to be delivered at the show grounds on the 
day of the circus. 

We never knew the exact outcome, but many a 
laugh did we have imagining it. The loads of 
turnips hauled into town that day must have been 
a caution, even if not more than half the farmers 
fulfilled their contracts. Of course, the circus 
people would not take the vegetables ; but I after- 
wards heard that the manager, seeing a chance for 
a big local gag and advertisement, kindly took 
them all into the big tent and seated them to- 
gether in the reserved corner, where the clown 
could point them out when he told the great joke 
of the farmers, the elephants and the turnips. 



160 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

But if those medicine men had showed their 
faces again in that neighborhood I think the 
farmers would have killed them, and torn their 
bodies into fragments as small as turnip seeds. 




CHAPTER IX. 



Side Lines and Schemes of Various Kinds 
— The Glass Pen — Pie Scheme Choked Off 
— Selling Notions from Wagon — Fighting 
the Railroad Bonds — Forced to Leave Town 
— Legislated Out of Business — A Warning 
and the Escape — The Accident — The 
Penny Raffling Scheme. 

The doctor was not by any means a lazy man, 
yet he believed, so long as business was prosper- 
ous, in taking his rest and ease for a fair share of 
the day. If he came in at night, after a good lot 
of sales on the street, he was ready for bed, un- 
less he fell in with some congenial spirits, with 
whom he might spend an hour or two, "swapping 
lies.^ 

With me, it was different. I was on the hustle 
all the time, from the very moment I got together 
a little capital to invest in side lines. I was a 



162 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

younger man, you see, and had my fortune all to 
make, while, from some remarks he occasionally 
let fall, I was convinced that somewhere the doc- 
tor carried a very comfortable bank account and 
owned a home. 

I have already spoken of a silver-plating blind. 
I was in the habit of working this for all it was 
worth, and I found my principal patrons at the 
hotels where I stopped. I never overlooked a 
chance at a hotel, and I believe that, taking into 
account only the places where w r e made temporary 
stops, my profits at such places sometimes overran 

our bills. 

Everybody on the premises was fair game. To 
the waitresses, cooks and chambermaids I sold 
fancy-box paper, jewelry and different little 
trinkets which I knew were worth the offering, as 
they would catch their fancy. At night I would 
take the key to my room and plate it with the sil- 
ver fluid, doing also the brass check attached to 
the key. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 163 

Bringing it down in the morning I would hand 
it to the clerk, without saying a word, and lis 
would hang it on the key rack, or put it in the box. 

The landlord, coming along in a few moments, 
perhaps, would notice the contrast and naturally 
mention it. 

I would then speak up and say that I had silver- 
plated the key just for fun, and asked how he 
would like to have the balance of them fixed up in 
the same way. I would generally wind up by 
making a contract to plate all the keys, and sell 
him a large bottle of the fluid in addition. 

Sometimes, at night, I dropped into the sa- 
loons and worked the gamblers there, improving 
an opportunity to sell them fake goods peculiar to 
their trade. 

I carried in my pocket fountain pens, pencil 
sharpeners and other little novelties, and, when 
there was time, cornered any poor mortal I hap- 
pened to meet and forced him to listen to an ora- 
tion on their merits. I carried, also, tissue paper, 



164 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

which, when pasted on a pane of glass, gave it the 
appearance of being stained. 

At another time I had a lot of little bird 
whistles and other noisy instruments. Without 
much trouble I became very expert in their use, 
and after that found them good sellers. When- 
ever I could strike a crowd and had leisure I 
sprung such things on them, and nearly always 
to my profit. 

Glass pens were pretty good articles to handle. 
In fact, they were among the neatest and prettiest 
novelties I carried. The pen point and holder 
were made entirely of glass in different tints, the 
effect being very fine. The point was ridged all 
around — all sides were alike and the same size, 
the ridges narrowing at the end so as to form the 
writing point — and the "pen" would hold a good 
amount of ink. I claimed one hundred words 
could easily be written with a single dip of the 
pen, and perhaps I was not so far wrong. This 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 165 

was one of the best sellers I had, and yielded 
enormous profits. 

Late and early I pushed my side lines; but as 
I was always on hand to do my work with the 
doctor he made no objections, though he must 
have sometimes suspected that my profits were 
outweighing his. I am sure he gave me full 
credit for being an all-round hustler from Hus- 
tlerville. Eventually he filled his wagon with no- 
tions and sold them on the streets. The author- 
ities in a sudden spasm of virtue had most every- 
where shut down on the "pie" scheme, and every 
householder in the United States appeared to be 
provided with a bottle of the Pain Balm. 

I had less opportunity for my side lines, but as 
I was a limited partner in the concern I did not 
complain. The profits of any one particular even- 
ing might not be as large as in the medicine trade, 
but the general average was about as good, and 
the methods of drawing and holding a crowd 
were about the same. 



166 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

It was while we were engaged in this venture 
that I struck almost, if not altogether, the most 
exciting period of my life. The doctor and I 
fought the two thousand inhabitants of Logwater 
to a finish — and won. 

The war came about in this way. 

We drove into the town prepared to sell goods 
from the wagon, and had every reason to expect 
a prosperous week or more. The merchants, how- 
ever, got wind of our coming, and at once were 
rebellious. In anticipation they already saw 
themselves knocked out by the traveling fakirs, 
and got their heads together to devise measures 
for putting a stop to the performance. 

As they had much political influence, and sev- 
eral of them were members of the body, a meeting 
of the city council was called double quick and 
an ordinance passed, raising the license for street- 
selling from three dollars, as it had been, to one 
hundred dollars a day. 

As it was not likely our profits could reach such 
a sum, we decided we could not stand the tax, 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 167 

and therefore rented a store-room. We then took 
out a license, hired the local cryer to assis # t, and 
proceeded to sell goods at auction, doing a rat- 
tling good business the first night. 

This made the merchants madder than ever. 
Again the council was called together and a spe- 
cial ordinance was passed, in which our business 
was called that of a traveling auction store, and 
it was also made subject to a license of one hun- 
dred dollars a day. 

This time they had us surely. We could not 
stand an expense of that kind, on top of our other 
outlays, and had to close up. But I told them, 
when the marshal called to announce the action of 
the council, that they were not done with us, but 
that sooner or later we would get even. And I 
guess we did, and in a way they will never forget. 

At that time the town had no railroad, but in 
anticipation of getting one quite a little boom was' 
being worked up. They had a proposition from 
the U. & L. R. R., which offered, in consideration 



168 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

of a bonus of four thousand dollars per mile, to 
lay its rails to Logwater, and fifteen miles beyond, 
to a railroad town, on the other side. 

To extend such aid would require $104,000.00, 
and it was proposed to raise this sum by issuing 
county bonds. A petition was circulated, asking 
for an election, at which the voters should decide 
whether or not such bonds should be issued. In 
a very short time sufficient signatures were pro- 
cured to justify the call for an election, and it was 
almost a foregone conclusion that the bonds 
would be voted. The proposition of the company 
looked fair enough, the railroad would without 
doubt prove of great benefit to the county, and 
there had so far been very little opposition. Every- 
one in town seemed confident and jubilant. 

The proclamation calling for the election was 
issued the very day our store was closed. 

"Very well," thought we, "you've had your in- 
nings ; now we will try and have ours." We im- 
mediately started in to defeat the bonds. 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 169 

Did we succeed in doing it? Well, let the se- 
quel tell. 

During the week we traveled through the coun- 
try — and didn't we speak to every man we met? 
We drummed up audiences for evening meetings 
in the most convenient school house, where we 
showed up Logwater, its authorities and citizens 
in the clearest light. 

On Saturdays we were in Logwater, and talk- 
ing all day to the farmers who gathered around. 

Curbstone oratory ? Well, I should smile. We 
told them the railroad had offered to build to Log- 
water in consideration of city bonds alone (which 
was a fact), but that the citizens of that cut-throat 
place wanted to saddle the whole thing on the 
poor farmers, saving expense to themselves, 
though, in fact, the townspeople were the only 
ones who would be really benefitted. 

To make a long story short, we exposed the 
whole thing from beginning to end, making it out 
as one of the most rotten and bare-faced efforts 



170 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

at robbery that had ever been conceived of or per- 
petrated on an intelligent community. We con- 
vinced the people of the rural districts that the 
scheme was not only a disgrace to the county, but 
a burning insult to each and every one of them, 
which could only be resented by voting on elec- 
tion day against the bonds. 

As a side issue, we rang in how the merchants 
were robbing them, and as a convincing argument 
reminded them of our own experience. Because 
we were willing to give the people good goods at 
living prices, and for so much less than the mo- 
nopolists at Logwater were in the habit of charg- 
ing, they had forced us out of town by special li- 
cense laws which were simply prohibitive. 

We worked like troopers, day and night, until 
election day came. Then we had our revenge to 
its fullest extent. The bonds were defeated by a 
small majority. 

The campaign cost us over a hundred dollars, 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 171 

but the satisfaction of getting even with those fel- 
lows was worth five times as much. Other com- 
panies have their lines running through the 
county, but Logwater has no railroad to this day. 

We were in the city when the election returns 
came in. While the result was still in doubt the 
citizens did not seem at all cordial, but we were 
not in actual peril of our lives. When, however, 
it became certain beyond a doubt that the bonds 
were defeated, we were called upon by a deputa- 
tion, who announced that if we were seen on the 
streets after two hours had elapsed there would 
be two dead fakirs. 

We skipped. 

There was no mistake about the people being 
in earnest, and the danger was that as we went 
some vicious fellows of the baser sort might fol- 
low with the idea of doing us some bodily dam- 
age, even before the given time had elapsed. Out 
in the country we knew we could find plenty of 
friends, but there was nothing to keep us in that 



172 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

vicinity, and the night being fairly bright we 
drove along quite merrily for perhaps a dozen 
miles. Then, just at the entrance of a small town, 
one of the horses broke through a rotten plank on 
a culvert, and there was a sudden halt. The doc- 
tor remained in the wagon, but I took a sprawling 
leap forward, which landed me on top of the 
struggling horses. 

Fortunately, I was uninjured, though the team 
was not as lucky. The horse that went into the 
culvert sprained a leg, while the other got a cut 
in the hock from a splintered single-tree. 

There was a little tavern right in the center of 
the town, and we made our way there as best we 
could. The landlord was aroused from a sound 
sleep by a most vigorous pounding on the door, 
and the porter — for there was one even in this 
heaven-forsaken hole — did not show himself at 
all until it was time for breakfast, some hours 
later. We got the horses into the barn, and by 
the light of a lantern took stock of damages. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 178 

We saw that the team would not be fit to pro- 
ceed for some days, and I myself began to feel as 
though I had been a trifle shaken up. Conse- 
quently, we resigned ourselves to the inevitable 
and went to bed. 

It was in this little town that we worked a 
scheme which seems to have a peculiar fascination 
and seldom fails to win out. During the first day 
and evening we made a few sales from the wagon, 
but the population did not justify a more ex- 
tended effort. Though there were a good many 
people visiting the tavern during the day, there 
were not enough in the town to furnish a working 
audience. We got up a lottery at the hotel, how- 
ever, which was managed after this fashion : 

Among our other assets was a fine looking 
"gold watch' ' worth any price you may choose to 
put on it, though it actually stood us at about fif- 
teen dollars. 

One hundred tickets were numbered and placed 
in small envelopes. The first number sold for one 



114 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

cent, the second number for two, the third for 
three and so on up, the last number selling for one 
dollar. 

The penny part of the business was what 
caught the people. By the time the horses were 
ready to proceed, which was in about two days 
more, the whole neighborhood had been worked 
up over the brilliant scheme, our eloquence had 
not been wasted, the last ticket had been sold, the 
watch had gone into the hands of the lucky win- 
ner, and we had raked in our fifty dollars and fifty 
cents, so that our stay in that town had not been 
altogether fruitless. We not only cleared all ex- 
penses, but went away with a little profit. 

Afterward I worked the scheme with diamond 
rings, custom-made clothing, or any other thing 
for which there might be a desire or a demand; 
and until the novelty wore off, or the location was 
exhausted, it proved very successful. 



CHAPTER X. 



Catching Suckers — Biting Myself — The 
Hospital Nurse and Mail Order Scheme — 
Working Saloon Men on Bible Racket. 

As I have already hinted, the work of the fakir 
changes with the seasons, and though some win- 
ters it was possible to continue street business 
successfully, especially by travel in the south, yet 
as a rule I have usually altered my route and plans 
to correspond with the climate. 

My partner was of the same opinion, and late 
in the fall turned his face homeward, working as 
he went. There had been no friction between 
us ; he had been very honorable in his division of 
the spoils, and I confess I parted from him with 
many regrets. We did talk of getting together 
again the next spring, but the life of a fakir is 
full of uncertainties, so that his best laid plans will 



176 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

often "gang awry." I did not see him again for 
perhaps half a dozen years. 

Then, one day I came across him very unex- 
pectedly in the street. He had experienced ups 
and downs since our parting, and just then was 
rather down than up. He actually tried to work 
me with the "pop-corn" racket. That, you know, 
is a sort of game of chance, and, like all other 
propositions of the kind, when the banker knows 
his business, as it is safe to gamble that he does, 
the chances, if there are any, remain in his favor. 

I knew the doctor in a moment, and when he 
seemed to put a five-dollar bill into a ball of pop- 
corn, which he mixed with half a dozen other 
balls and then offered me my choice for a quar- 
ter, I felt like shouting. 

Instead of that, I gravely handed him the quar- 
ter, appeared to hesitate long over my choice, but 
finally selected the ball farthest away from me. 

What followed was a surprise, for without ex- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 177 

arnining the ball, or attempting to open it, I 
tossed it into the street. 

"Come, doc," I said, "you don't mean to say 
you don't remember me — Jim Weldon ? How has 
the world been using you, old man?" 

He gave me a second glance, and knew me 
then fast enough, so we shook hands heartily. He 
told me how the failure of a promising legitimate 
business venture had put him flat on his back, 
but that he had gone to work once more at the 
foot of the ladder, hoping by spring to be able to 
start on the road again in something of his old 
style. Poor fellow. I gave him, at parting, as 
big a stake as he would accept, and heard from 
him a few months later, when he was preparing 
for the campaign, but he died the next summer of 
yellow fever. 

As I have said, the summer campaign had been 
successful and I had wealth galore. If I preferred 
to do so I could live after a modest fashion until 
spring came again without doing a stroke,, and I 



178 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

was once more anxious to get into harness. I 
made a short visit home, where they were all glad 
to see me, and then started out for a visit to some 
of the eastern cities. I not only wanted to see 
their methods and style, but to get in closer touch 
with the men who largely produced the novelties 
by the sale of which I expected to make my living. 
The trip paid me well. There was not, now, 
much of the green country youth in me or my 
appearance, but I cut a few eye-teeth nevertheless. 
By this time I had taken on age, so that I could 
easily pass for a man half a doen years older than 
I really was, and I imagined I was pretty well up 
in all the tricks of the trade. But I found that I 
had a great many to learn, and I proceeded to 
learn them. I discovered that there were plenty 
of men in my line who sold nothing but the out- 
put of their brains, and that brought the highest 
kind of a price. Also that there were many lines 
of business, which I had always taken to be of the 
staidest, soberest, most legitimate nature, which, 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 179 

after all, were handled after the style of the great- 
est fakes I had ever handled on the road. Some 
of them I decided to try in the future when the 
time seemed propitious; others seemed to be a 
little overpowering to suit even me. 

When it was all outgo and no income, of 
course, my sight-seeing began to get away with 
my money, and though my pocket could stand the 
stream for some time to come, I could not bear to 
be idle. It was not long before I had mastered 
the situation and drifted into an humble effort of 
occupation. 

At first my efforts were largely for the purpose 
of experience, and to give me something to do. It 
was really in a spirit of fun that I spread my first 
nets to catch suckers. It was by no means the 
line I had ever expected to follow, but there was 
a fascination about it, after I once began to em- 
ploy printer's ink, which led me on until, before 
long, I was about as bad as the worst of the class, 
while I had the remarkable good fortune of not 



180 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

being brought up with a round turn. Once in a 
while a fellow who gets too fresh falls into the 
hands of the police and must answer to the law. 

Once, in my younger days, I enclosed a dime in 
answer to an advertisement which promised to 
tell applicants how to travel without paying rail- 
road fare. The response I got was, "Walk in- 
stead of ride." 

This is a fair pattern of many fakes ; and to my 
great amusement, and somewhat to my profit, I 
tested the calibre of a number of them that winter 
at a trifling expense. You know the old saying, 
"A sucker is born every minute." I did not con- 
sider myself a sucker by any means, and yet I did 
considerable "biting" while I was considering the 
ways and means of my brethren of the trade. 

I may say that my own opinion is, the postal 
authorities of those days were neither so keen nor 
vigilant as they are now, or these fellows would 
not have gotten along without more trouble. 
There were not so many, and before I got through 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 181 

I had traced them out and knew them all. I had 
also got myself posted on the advertising sheets 
which had the widest circulation, and the best line 
of readers. I knew that when an ad. appeared in 
their pages, if the scheme was a good one and 
the work artistically done, results were pretty apt 
to accrue in a short time. 

What sort of fakes were they? Well, for in- 
stance, how does this strike you? In those days 
the Louisiana Lottery was in full swing, and the 
fellow who advertised a sure "system" to catch 
the capital prize must have made a little fortune. 
The answer that he gave me in return for my 
dime was : "Hold the winning number." 

One of the best ads. I saw was headed, "How 
to Make Money Fast." I sent in ten cents. I re- 
ceived a little book containing full particulars of 
the U. S. mint. 

"How to make Pantaloons Last" was a catchy 
heading, and though I suspected the answer I 
dropped another dime in the slot and obtained the 



182 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

information, "Make the Coat and Vest First." 

The last one I tested offered for a dime full in- 
structions on the subject, "How to Get Rich 
Without Working/ 7 I was told to catch suckers, 
like they did. 

That settled it with me. There was nothing to 
be learned from the gentry of that ilk, and I began 
to cast about with the view of taking this very 
sensible advice. 

I did not propose to rob the people, however, 
mentally deciding my suckers should get as little 
hook and as much bait as was possible for the 
money. 

I hunted up an intelligent young drug clerk, 
who had done some medicine reading in his time, 
and who was not averse to making the expenses 
of a future course at a medical college by assist- 
ing me to carry out what I had in view. From 
the doctor with whom he had been reading he ob- 
tained what was really a first-class prescription 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 183 

for piles, to which, guided by his knowledge, we 
made certain additions. 

Then I inserted the following advertisement: 

"Free. — A Valuable Remedy for Piles. Free. 
Address 'Retired Hospital Nurse/ No. 66 N — 
St., New York." 

Inquiries by mail came pouring in from all over 
the country. Most of the correspondents en- 
closed postage stamps, and to those who did not 
we wrote anyhow, enclosing the prescription. I 
wrote to each of them about as follows : , 

"Dear Sir : — Your favor of recent date just re- 
ceived, and I take great pleasure in sending you 
the prescription, as advertised. I desire to par- 
ticularly caution you that it must be used strictly 
in accordance with directions. Have it put up at 
a place where only first-class drugs are kept. The 
articles are so delicate that they must be pure and 
fresh. 

"You may find it difficult to procure a few of 
the ingredients named in this prescription, espe- 



184 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

cially if you reside in a small town. I would in- 
form you that in such case I have made arrange- 
ments with a reliable pharmacist here, who will 
put up the entire prescription and forward it by 
express, all charges prepaid, for one dollar and 
thirty cents. Yours truly, 

"Hospital Nurse/' 

As the ingredients I had hinted at as hard to 
procure, though they had nice sounding names, 
never were heard of by any country druggists; 
those who decided to use the prescription accord- 
ing to the direction invariably sent me their or- 
ders, and I returned them a number one, tip-top 
pile remedy, which cost just thirty cents. My 
partner got materials at wholesale prices, and 
now-a-days every one knows the tremendous 
profits at which such things are sold at retail. 

I did not live economically by any means, but 
after I got started this thing more than paid my 
expenses, while my friend and partner, the drug 
clerk, had enough laid up to insure his diploma 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 185 

as an M. D., and probably this very day would as 
soon think of dying as running a professional ad- 
vertisement in a newspaper. 

I worked this pile scheme until the novelty of 
it wore off, and then began to think of hitting the 
road again. It was while making the rounds in 
New York City, looking for something to handle, 
that I accidentally strolled into a trade auction 
house. 

I made a purchase there, which, for a time, I 
feared was going to turn out a total loss. I 
bought three hundred and eighty pocket bibles. 
My bid was made "for fun," and when they were 
knocked down to me at a ridiculously low price I 
had to take them, though I had no idea of how 
they were going to be disposed of. I was not ex- 
actly the sort of individual, either in manner or 
appearance, to travel around selling the good 
book; and I had my doubts if I could get rid of 
them, even if I tried. 

They were beauties, though, bound in morocco, 



186 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

with gilt edges and tuck covers; and the longer I 
had them the more I was convinced there were 
plenty of people hungering and thirsting for the 
books, if I only knew r who they were, and how to 
reach them. 

At last I hit upon a plan. I always did hit a 
plan if I took the time, and that w r as my weak 
point. I was apt to waste many precious moments 
in reflection which should have been used in 
action. 

What I thought of was this : 

Through the aid of several different city direc- 
tories I secured the names of hundreds of saloon- 
keepers. As a class — outside of their own busi- 
ness, which I do not at all revere — they are a 
jolly, happy-go-lucky lot of people, who admire 
what has the appearance of a practical joke, are 
free with their money, and are on the best of 
terms with all the world and the rest cf mankind. 

I wrapped each book in a neat and separate 
package, and distributed the whole lot so that the 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 187 

three hundred and eighty volumes would reach 
three hundred and eighty different saloon-keepers 
on Christmas day, each one priced "One dollar, 
C. O. D." 

One day ahead I sent out to each individual I 
had marked as my own a letter like the following : 
"Dear Brother : — The good book hath said, 
There is a time for everything,' and there is a 
time to turn from earthly joys and earthly gains 
and think of those mansions in the skies which 
one day will be our lot if we only redeem the ac- 
cepted time. It has well been said, 'Prepare thy 
souls for the Resurrection day and the judgment.' 1 
To do this you must read the good book, else you 
cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. 

"I send you today by express a nice pocket edi- 
tion of the bible. If you think it may save your 
soul, take it and pay the charges. If you have no 
confidence in the holy book do not receive it. In 
any case, God bless you. From 

"A Friend." 



188 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

About one-third of the bibles were accepted on 
the first delivery. I took my money, which was 
more than half profit, and magnanimously pre- 
sented the express company with the remaining 
unclaimed packages, suspecting that every one of 
them would be a dead loss to me. 




CHAPTER XI. 



The Portrait Business — Tricks of the 
Trade — The Band and Hall Plan — Excite- 
ment and Joke at Voting Contest — The 
Frame Scheme. 

The season came when I was to go on the road 
again. The winter had been one largely of rest 
and study, during which I had practiced my voca- 
tion enough to make a little money and keep my 
hand in. Added to the capital acquired in the lat- 
ter part of the previous summer's campaign, I 
was ready to take up almost any line of work. 

I confess I had a yearning for something new ; 
something that would lead me along the quieter 
walks of life, and be less wearing on nerves and 
throat than the street-selling of the former sea- 
son. After looking around, and making a list of 
dealers and their stock, which might be useful in 
the future, I decided that for the present I would 



190 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

turn my attention to the picture or portrait busi- 
ness. 

It was a comparatively new thing then, and 
even now it has not been entirely worked to death. 

There was then a fair profit in pictures or por- 
traits, and by the time one sold a high-priced 
frame the outcome was immense. I got my in- 
3tructions, and when I first started out was half 
inclined to believe that the trade would prove too 
humdrum, a too every-day sort of an affair, to 
suit my hustling nature. 

I soon found, however, that it took as lively 
working as anything I had been engaged in if I 
wanted to make it a success; hence, I fell to in 
earnest, determined that a success it should be. 

It is not worth while to relate all the little, in- 
genious dodges employed, or the extraordinary 
efforts I made upon emergency. I remembered 
the maxim, that what made a good argument for 
one line would do for another, and so, altering it 
to suit the article and the circumstances, I drew 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 191 

largely on the fund of expedients gathered in 
other fields, and worked on human nature in the 
same old way. I soon got to be very successful, 
and when once I decided there was a chance to 
place a picture I seldom gave up until I had suc- 
ceeded. 

I never was ashamed of my business, and gen- 
erally managed to have my presence in a town 
pretty well advertised. When I had been there a 
couple of days, and went swinging down the 
street, there were few if any of the citizens who 
saw me but would know I was the picture man, 
who was taking orders for enlarged portraits and 
the like, and plenty of them would have some re- 
mark to that effect. I carried a fine line of sam- 
ples, was a pleasant, fluent talker, and I fairly be- 
lieve many a lady would have been disappointed 
if I had not called on her with my wares. Some- 
times I took orders direct for frames to the pic- 
tures; sometimes I waited and delivered the pic- 
ture placed in a frame, trusting to be able to sell 



192 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

the latter at a good price. If a town at large did 
not turn out the average profit, then a single indi- 
vidual or so would have to bear the sins of omis- 
sion of the rest. 

There are more tricks in the picture business 
than one would imagine. I know of one fakir 
who works the following scheme : After staying 
in the town long enough to make a study of the 
inhabitants and the peculiarities and foibles of the 
more prominent, he selects his victim. 

He calls on some lady leading in social circles, 
church work or the like, and obtains a private in- 
terview. 

He tells her that a number of her lady friends 
and admirers have decided to present her with a 
fine, enlarged, crayon portrait of herself, and that 
he has been instructed to call and get her photo- 
graph. 

Naturally, she is surprised and highly gratified, 
giving him the picture without the least hesitancy. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 193 

At the same time she is probably anxious to learn 
the names of the donors. 

The fakir tells her that that is a profound se- 
cret, and that he is sworn to reveal no names, 
though he has no hesitation in giving her the cost 
of the picture. That is to be twenty-five dollars. 
Then he starts for the door, but turns around to 
say, "Oh, by the way, they said nothing about a 
frame. Don't you want to buy one? A picture 
of that kind never produces one-half the effect 
without a frame, and of course we can give you a 
better quality at a cheaper rate than you can get 
from your local dealers." 

Sometimes she would say, "I do not think I 
will buy until I get the picture." 

Then the fakir proceeds to tell her that his rep- 
utation is staked on that picture, and that if it is 
satisfactory he will obtain a dozen orders for the 
ten-dollar size ; and that he could not think of de- 
livering such a work of art without a properly 
matched and corresponding frame. 



104 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

The lady is already in a good state of mind, 
being elated over the idea of receiving such an 
elegant present, and is not at all inclined to 
quibble on the matter of expense ; the fakir is ar- 
gumentative, eloquent and persuasive. She falls 
his victim. In a few days the portrait is delivered, 
grandly framed, and the flattered lady hands out 
her share, never suspecting that the cost of the 
f ram^ well covered the price of it and the picture. 

That is one way to make the business pay, and 
if the lady is too innocent to find out the decep- 
tion, her portrait can be made a stepping-stone for 
a dozen other orders, just as was suggested to her. 
After all, people are a good deal like sheep — a 
whole flock will follow where one leads, however 
unwittingly. 

The fact is, I would have been willing to give 
away the portrait every time if I could have ob- 
tained full price for the frame, had it not been 
contrary to business principles. 

Sometimes, after securing a number of orders, 



TWENTY* YEARS A FAKIR. 195 

some of them would be turned back to me. The 
party might die, or go broke, or something else 
happen, and I usually had some dead wood on my 
hands about the time I was almost ready to leave. 

That gave me little trouble. The frames were 
very fine, of six-inch, heavy moulding, beauti- 
fully fluted and with gilt or oxidized trimmings. 
So far as looks went, they were worth all you 
might ask for them, if you left out of account the 
actual cost of manufacture. I would walk into a 
man's place of business and set the frame against 
something so the light could shine full upon it. 
Then I would ask : 

"What do you think of that for six dollars?" 

Customer. — "It's pretty nice, but don't try to 
sell me any today; I haven't the money.'' 

Agent. — "Who said I wanted to sell them? I 
am giving them away." 

Customer. — "How is that?" 

Agent. — "I'll tell you. I am in the picture busi- 
ness, and onlv furnish frames as an accommoda- 



196 TWENTY TEAR8 A FAKIR. 

tion. I had some thirteen orders turned back on 
me, and I want to get rid of the frames. Freight 
is double first-class, and it don't pay to ship them 
back. Besides, I haven't the time to fool with 
them, and I'm going to close them out regardless. 
I'll tell you what I'll do. If I can get thirteen 
prders in this town I'll deliver them, just like this, 
all complete and ready to frame your picture in, 
for one dollar apiece. And I'll bet one hundred 
dollars you never saw a frame of that kind sold 
under seven dollars." 

Customer (examining the frame and getting 
interested). — "Well, I must say, that is pretty 
cheap." 

Agent. — "Cheap? Why, it is virtually giving 
them away, but I want to get rid of them." 

Customer. — "You go ahead and see what 
you can do with some one else. In the meantime 
I'll .see my wife and find out what she thinks about 
it. You can drop in after dinner for my answer." 

Agent. — "See here, my friend, don't make so 






TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 197 

much fuss over a small sum. Your wife would 
be ashamed to object to it. Would you kick if 
she invested such a little amount as that at home ? 
Of course, you wouldn't. You're not that kind. 
If your wife don't say it's right up to date and al- 
together lovely I'll let her have it for nothing. 
What more do you want?" 

Customer. — "Well, I don't know. Have you 
sold any of them yet." 

Agent,— -"Oh, yes; I've taken several orders 
this morning." 

Customer — "Well, I guess you can put me 
down for two frames. You agents are worse than 
fly paper. You stick a man every time." 

Agent — "Ha, ha. Do you think so? If I have 
the luck today that I expect I'll deliver those 
frames bright and early tomorrow morning. 
Good, day, sir." 

At which point I would back myself out as 
gracefully as I could and go in search of another 
customer. Perhaps, before I was out of the door, 



198 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

. he would stop me to talk picture, and eventually 
insist on my enlarging photographs for himself 
and wife to fill the purchases. 

I was doing well, and making plenty of money, 
but I wanted to do better. 

I might have had a presentment of my fate 
when I launched out, from the fact that I had al- 
ready noticed a peculiarity about my fortunes. 
While I could do well by myself, or could work 
well in company so long as the other fellow osten- 
sibly managed the concern, yet when I attempted 
to play manager over other people I always went 
broke, or the aggregation dissolved with breath- 
less suddenness. 

I thought of this before I branched out in the 
picture business after the fashion I did, but the 
idea I had seemed such a good one, and I was al- 
ready so largely a winner, I shut my eyes, locked 
my teeth hard, and vowed I would break the 
hoodoo that seemed to be over me, or know the 
reason why. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 190 

Later on I discovered the reason in this partic- 
ular case, and the knowledge only came just in 
time to save me from again landing in the ranks 
of the busted. The brief history of the experi- 
ment was about this : 

After trying the old style of canvassing, that 
is. personally taking orders from door to door 
and returning at a future da}' to make deliveries 
and collections, I struck on one of the most elab- 
orate schemes for working the portrait business 
that had ever been introduced. 

The idea was probably suggested by my meet- 
ing, as I had done more than once before, 'with a 
party of stranded people of the theatrical profes- 
sion. In the summer-time you are apt to run 
across the very best kind of people who are out of 
an engagement, or who may have been left behind 
by an absconding manager of a "snap" company, 
which they had joined in default of anything bet- 
ter to do until the regular fall season opened. 

After thinking the matter over for a day or 



200 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

two, and arranging my plans, I formed a com- 
pany consisting of eight people, all of them musi- 
cians and actors. I got some printing done, and 
ordered more, and started out on the road to work 
my business in opera houses or large halls. I had 
with me, also, a superior artist. 

During the day, by way of advertising, the 
band would give open air concerts, at times when 
they were not otherwise engaged, and in the even- 
ing there was a grand, free entertainment in the 
opera house. Between the acts I made a talk from 
the stage, exhibited specimens of work by the aid 
of the "oxo-hydrogen lime light," and solicited 
business. I took the orders, finished the pictures, 
delivered and collected, all before leaving the city. 
I paid the expenses of my troupe and had them 
canvass during the day, paying them an addi- 
tional ten per cent, upon all the orders they se- 
cured. It was immense. 

Up to about this time the large, framed por- 
trait was a rarity, and in every vicinity there were 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 201 

hundreds of people with small pictures of their 
relatives or themselves, which, with the proper 
working, they discovered they wanted to possess 
in an enlarged form. 

In those towns or cities which I visited (and, of 
course, with such an aggregation to support, I 
selected only the larger towns), I made my busi- 
ness quite the fashionable folly or fad, and many 
a ten dollars was, no doubt, expended just to keep 
in with the swim. I heightened the interest in 
half a dozen ways, and for a time certainly met 
with all the success I had anticipated. 

' Sometimes I came to the rescue of a struggling 
congregation, which wanted to buy a new organ, 
or square up the preacher's salary, or raise money 
for some other purpose. I remember, at Haddam 
City, I raffled off two large oil paintings, adver- 
tised as worth two hundred and fifty dollars. I 
had used them as drawing cards, placing side by 
side with them reduced copies, to show the possi- 
bilities of our art. On starting the raffle I made 



202 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

the most glowing announcement from the stage. 
I explained that I had found these works of art 
too bulky to carry with me from town to town. 
They were so valuable that it required more care 
to protect them from injury than we could afford 
to give. 

I proposed that during my stay in the town I 
would give to each patron a number for every dol- 
lar invested, entitling him or her to a chance in a 
drawing for one of the pictures, which I intended 
to make on the last night. The other picture I 
then offered as a prize for a voting contest for the 
most popular young lady in the city, the proceeds 
to go to the benefit of the church. 

Before making this offer, I had looked over the 
ground very carefully, and was certain it would 
yield a success. I found I had not been mistaken. 
The pictures were really fine ones, costing me 
fifty dollars at wholesale, but by using them in 
this way I believe they netted me more than their 
cost. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 2(>8 

The voting contest developed a rivalry I had 
not anticipated, and not only were the audiences 
immense, but the dimes rolled by the dozen into 
the hands of the two young gentlemen that were 
appointed treasurers of the church. 

Our own interests were not forgotten. They 
seemed about that time to be tangled up with 
those of the church,- and the way we gathered 
orders, both at the entertainments and in the out- 
side canvass, kept my artist working night and 
day, and very nearly strained my ability. 

In anticipation of the step, I had headed my 
.troupe on the second evening of our stay in the 
place, which happened to be Sunday, and we all 
filed into church together. Our exhibitions, 
while lively and interesting, were all of the most 
unobjectionable order, and in every way I worked 
it so that we would seem, as we were, worthy of 
the support of the best people. 

At the outset it seemed a foregone conclusion 
that a Miss Kitty Kneilson would carry away the 



204 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

palm. She was so far ahead at the close of the 
second evening of voting that I was afraid in- 
terest might slacken and the receipts fall off. The 
next evening there happened, altogether by 
chance, something I would never have thought of, 
and if I had would scarcely have dared to sug- 
gest. 

Some innocent, scatter-brained, harufci-scarum 
young fellow dropped a vote in the box inscribed 
with the name of "Claude Maxwell." When that 
name was read out there was a roar through the 
house, and I was afraid there was going to be 
trouble. Claude Maxwell was a very estimable 
young gentleman, but he belonged to that class 
who from their fair appearance, exact dress, and 
mincing manners are sometimes called dudes. He 
was bright, big-hearted and full of life, but every 
one recognized the joke, and there was a clapping 
of hands, and much laughter, before it was 
thought how Maxwell might take it. 

All doubt on that score was removed by the 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 205 

young gentleman himself, who arose in the seat, 
somewhere near the front, a smile on his features, 
and made a profound bow. 

With that the game was started. Maxwell had 
any quantity of friends among the young folks, 
and they all seemed seized with a sudden desire to 
"josh" him. The next moment the tellers an- 
nounced "Ten more votes for Claude Maxwell." 
Some one had thrown in a dollar to keep the joke 
going. 

I understood that Miss Kneilson was the more 
affronted of the two ; but as she belonged to the 
church, and both she and Maxwell were members 
of the choir, her friends convinced her that noth- 
ing better could have happened. Before long she 
was enjoying the contest as much as anybody. 

You cannot imagine the interest and the amount 
of money that can be drawn into such an affair at 
times, when the contest grows close and the peo- 
ple are excited. When the musicians played the 
Marseillaise on the last night there were a few 



206 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

hundred folks worked up to a fever heat, and had 
it not been announced beforehand that the voting 
would cease precisely at ten o'clock I have an idea 
that fifty dollars more might have been taken in 
that evening. The polls closed precisely on the 
stroke, and just a moment before a five-dollar bill 
was slipped in, which secured the picture for 
Claude Maxwell by a majority of five. 

Amid much laughter and cheering Mr. Max- 
well arose to his feet and bowed his smiling 
thanks to the audience. 

Not at all abashed by the screams of the audi- 
ence the young man proceeded to say that while, 
for the good of the church in which he and the 
other contestants were so deeply interested, he 
had been willing for the matter to proceed, yet he 
had never for a moment actually contemplated ap- 
propriating the prize to himself. He therefore 
took great pleasure in presenting the beautiful 
work of art to the real choice of the assemblage, 
Miss Kitty Kneilson. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 



207 



He sat down amidst thunders of applause. 

I had to remain three or four days to complete 
the orders we had taken, and the- treasury of the 
church was filled to overflowing. 




CHAPTER XII. 



Tricks in Delivering and Collecting — 
The Stingy Landlord and the Prunes — Day 
Board $3.00 Per Week — Drummers $2.00 Per 
Day — The Elopement. 

In the previous chapters I have said something 
about orders that were turned back on my hands, 
and the methods I employed to make at least some 
profit out of my failures. I want to say a little 
more on the subject, referring principally to de- 
livering and collecting. My remarks will apply 
not only to the picture and frame business, but 
also to the book and encyclopedia lines, in which 
1 was subsequently largely and successfully en- 
gaged. 

A good talker, with a fair knowledge of his 
subject, can generally make sales, but his work 
does not end there. He has not only to make a 
contract, but he has to see that it is executed. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 209 

There is but one way to do anything in this 
world, and that is the right way. 

When I first started out by myself to take or- 
ders for pictures, I had in mind the fact that I 
was also to do my own delivering and collecting. 

As to the canvass, I was as suave as you please, 
but in making deliveries I had to act according to 
circumstances. 

In taking orders I always gave the customer a 
duplicate slip of his contract. This, among other 
conditions, stated that articles were to be deliv- 
ered according to agreement with the agent, who 
had positive instructions to make no misrepre- 
sentations, and that a countermand would not be 
received under any circumstances; that any fail- 
ure to deliver would be charged up against me. 

You see, this duplicate was a great ice breaker 
when I called around with my pictures or books 
and expected the money. 

Occasionally I ran across an individual who 
would try to back out. In such a case I would in- 



210 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

sist on leaving the article anyway, and would say, 
"Oh, that's all right. If you can't conveniently 
spare the money now I will call around and see 
you again before I leave town. You can pay me 
than." 

AYithout waiting for an answer I would turn 
on my heel and walk rapidly away. 

The next day I would call again. If the money 
was still slow to come I would say, "I w T ill call to- 
morrow morning and I wish you would please 
have the amount ready for me then. I want to 
leave by an afternoon train/' 

If I called the third time and found no money 
I would rise in my wrath — real or pretended as 
the case might be — and call his attention to every 
clause in the duplicate contract he held. If that 
would not win him aver I would wind up with a 
tongue lashing and perhaps threaten to have him 
arrested. 

I most generally brought an unwilling custo- 
mer to time by the third visit, though, of course. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 211 

there were cases in which no plan would win. 
Sometimes I would succeed by arousing sym- 
pathy, where no other method would have been 
of any effect. I would argue that a man had no 
right to order an article, and put one to a great 
expense and loss of time, unless he expected to 
accept and pay for it when delivered. 

In traveling with the troupe I found far less 
trouble in making deliveries and collections than 
I had done when by myself. The whole business 
was such a public affair, and delivery and collec- 
tion followed so soon after the order was given, 
that few thought of refusal. A large proportion 
of the orders were secured in the public hall, the 
rest being obtained in canvasses made by mem- 
bers of the troupe during the day time. They 
were also supposed to do their own delivering 
and collecting, though I was often called in to at- 
tend to difficult or delicate cases. 

By the way, to show you that the life of a fakir 
is not all devoted to business, but that it has also 



212 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

its romantic side, I may as well introduce a little 
occurrence which happened under my observation 
during the season that my company was on the 
road. 

Business, as I have said, was driving and I had 
procured a young man by the name of Thompson 
to assist the artist in finishing up pictures. He 
was really a fine young fellow, and his father had 
a large photograph gallery of his own, in which 
Aleck would have continued to work had he so 
chosen. But he took a notion to see something of 
the world, and so came out to me, where he could 
knock around a bit and at the same time draw 
good wages for a fair amount of labor. 

As a rule I stopped at pretty good hotels, 
where, however, I generally secured fair rates. 
Shortly after Aleck joined me we were in a town 
where we had to accept a lodging place that was 
far from satisfactory. The house was tolerable, 
considering, and I had obtained pretty good 
terms, but the landlord was one of those ex- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 2l3 

tremely stingy, miserly fellows that are repulsive 
to everybody and gives one a pain to be thrown 
with. He was so stingy it even seemed to hurt 
him to give change. I honestly believe he was 
the original introducer of the fad of using a wart 
on the back of his neck for a collar button. He 
kept one of those characteristic hotels so familiar 
to all traveling men, and in the office there hung a 
sign something like this: ' 

Single Meals, 20 Cents. 

Day Board, $3.00 Per Week. 

Drummers, $2.00 Per Day. 

The landlord was not only mean and miserly, 
but he was given to the use of strong drink. It 
was told as an actual fact that in one of his 
drunken fits he walked out of his room, leaving 
his latch key on the table. The door locked be- 
hind him and when he was ready to return he 
climbed over the door, through the transom, and 
secured the key. He then crawled back into the 



214 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

hall, through the same hole, unlocked the door 
and staggered in. 

Some of his transient guests once played .1 
good joke on him, which gave him a great deal of 
free advertising. 

At that hotel prunes were served as a dessert 
three times a day and thirty days in the month. 
A crowd of traveling men were sitting at the din- 
ner table, discussing various topics, when the 
landlord walked in. One of the knights of the 
grip called to him : 

"Say, landlord, we have made a wager here, 
and you are the only man who can settle it." 

"What is it?" said mine host. 

"Well/' responded the traveling man, "I bet a 
new hat that this dish of prunes is the same mess 
that was on the table when I was here a month 
ago." 

The^ landlord replied hotly that it was not the 
same; that he served fresh prunes at, every meal. 

"Hold on," interrupted the drummer; "now 



TVSENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 215 

that I come to think of it I can decide that bet my- 
self. When T was here before I dropped a half 
dollar in the dish/' 

With that he picked up a spoon, drove it into 
the prunes, and fished out the fifty-cent piece he 
had secretly dropped in a few minutes before. 

The old man, amazed, glared at those prunes 
for a moment and, growing red in the face with 
rage, picked up the dish, went out to the kitchen 
and cussed the cook for a week. 

This landlord was a widower and had a very 
handsome daughter, whom he treated shamefully. 
He forced her to work early and late, wait on the 
table, do chamber work, help in the laundry, etc. 
He would not allow her to wear anything better 
than a common gingham dr'ess, nor could she go 
anywhere nor get acquainted with anybody. She 
wanted an enlarged picture of her dead mother, 
and when she asked her father for permission to 
order it, instead of consenting he slapped her in 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

the face. All this in the presence of Aleck, who 
happened to be there at the time. 

Aleck immediately left the house, but when he 
returned the next day it was to present the girl 
with a large crayon portrait of her mother, the 
picture being enclosed in a handsome frame. 

The two met in the parlor every evening after 
that, the old man being apparently oblivious of 
what was going on, and the upshot of it all was 
that on the following Sunday night they eloped 
to a neighboring town and were married. Aleck 
went back to his father's gallery, and is there to- 
day with his wife. 

The old landlord did not try to make trouble 
for them, but turned all his wrath on me. He 
swore I was to blame for the whole thing, threat- 
ened to shoot me, to have me arrested, and every- 
thing else. 

I denied, point blank, having had anything to 
do with the affair; but I do not mind now ac- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 



217 



knowledging that Aleck did consult me, that I 
advised him to make the run, and loaned him an 
extra twenty dollars to get away with. 




CHAPTER XIII. 



Working the Saloon Keeper for an Ex- 
tra Five — Alone Again — Arrested — Fight- 
ing the License — Sick — The Insurance 
Scheme — The Wheel and Cigar Dodge — 
The vStage Hold-Up — The Horse Doctor 
and Cholera — Cigars Two for a Nickel — 
Making a Preacher Swear. 

Things went along* apparently prosperous for 
some months, until the time to form engage- 
ments for the fall and winter came around, when 
my best people asked for a raise in salary. 

At first I was inclined to grant it, for I liked 
the business, and, on the face of things, I ought 
to make a fortune. 

But the briefest reflection told me that I would 
be entering on a new campaign, and like a wise 
and noble general I ought to sit down and figure 
out the cost. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 219 

After that, though it took time, it was not hard 
to come to a conclusion. I had been doing a 
thriving business, but I had the field all to my- 
self, with very little opposition from regular ex- 
hibitions. The season was coming when the peo- 
ple in the towns which I would care to work 
might have a surfeit of amusement. 

I discovered, also, that if my receipts had been 
large, so also had been my expenditures. I went 
on, figured out the profit, cost and loss and de- 
cided to quit right then. 

While apparently doing a business that should 
have yielded a large surplus, my expenses were 
already so great that I was actually making less 
money than when traveling alone, while a few 
weeks of poor business, such as were liable at any 
moment to occur, would put me decidedly in the 
hole. I paid off all salaries to the end of the 
month, closed up my affairs, disbanded my com- 
pany, and once more hit the road, solitary and 
alone. 



220 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

After all the noise and rush of the past 
months, the first few weeks which followed were 
solemn, if not awful; but I stuck it out, found 
that the portrait line was as good as ever, and 
what I made was my own. I could visit towns 
which had been too small to stand the expense 
of the troupe, but were full to the brim of un- 
touched business, which I worked after the same 
old style. 

When a great battle is won by shrewd maneu- 
vering they call it a splendid display of strategy ; 
when a fakir carries his point in the same way it 
is branded as infernal trickery. Early in the bat- 
tle of life I discovered that I would have to do a 
great deal of strategical maneuvering or starve; 
and I seldom failed, however well defended his 
front might be, to turn the flank of the enemy if it 
was at all unprotected, often snatching victory 
out of the very jaws of defeat. 

Once, under peculiar provocation, I obtained 
an order from a saloon keeper for a nice crayon 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 221 

portrait of his wife. I had great hopes of getting 
an order for his own portrait also, and with that 
end in view, and being naturally of a generous 
disposition when I circulated among the boys, I 
spent about five dollars at the bar. When he 
turned me down in what I thought rather a bare- 
faced style, T set about getting even. 

His wife was a pronounced brunette, with 
black, curly hair, bright eyes and clear-cut fea- 
tures, being an excellent subject for a portrait. 

When the picture was finished it was really a 
very fine one, and taking it around to the saloon 
a day or two before I had promised delivery I 
asked his honor what he thought of it. He ad- 
mired it immensely and was more than pleased. 

"Well," said I, "it may be a surprise, but this 
picture is not for you. The one you ordered is 
not finished yet, and this is done by a new process 
and for a particular purpose. 

"If that is not for me I'd like to know who it 
is for?" he asked, about as angry as he was sur- 
prised. 



222 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. * 

"For me," I told him. "It is such a perfect 
picture, and such a splendid example of what the 
new art will do, and what a magnificent picture 
can be obtained for only ten dollars more, that the 
house has sent it to me to canvass with." 

You can believe that he got dead stuck on the 
picture and wanted it instead of the other. I 
asked him an increase of ten dollars for it, but 
compromised by accepting from him five dollars 
more than the original contract price. He never 
knew the difference, and I got back the money 1 
had spent at his saloon. 

Things went along swimmingly for some time. 
So successful had I been that I was feeling my 
oats all over, and expected to go right along 
through the winter, when I ran foul of a legal 
proposition, and learned the lesson that it takes 
money to buy justice; and though the law may 
be on your side it sometimes requires an awfully 
long time to reach it. 

Every man who has traveled on the road has 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 223 

probably had more or less trouble about license; 
and the time arrived when I was to get my ex- 
perience. I was arrested while soliciting in the 
portrait business, and was fined fifty dollars in a 
city court. 

I was always rather a good fighter, anyway. I 
had what I thought at that time plenty of money, 
and my business life seemed to be at stake. In- 
stead of paying that fine and letting the matter 
drop I took an appeal and vowed to follow the 
matter up. When, finally, the state supreme court 
affirmed the decision of the city court, and I still 
refused to pay, I found myself tight in jail, with 
a suspicion that I had to knuckle or remain there 
indefinitely. 

I still had money to talk, and, as the frames 
were made in one state, I was traveling in a sec- 
ond, and was a resident of a third, there was lit- 
tle trouble in getting the case before the supreme 
court of the United States, though it did seem to 
me it took a terrible long time for that court to 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

come to a decision on a very simple case. 

When their opinion did come, however, it was 
in my favor, and reversed all the lower courts. 

The justices held, in effect, that a man could 
not be taxed for simply making a living; that 
the license demanded from me had been an at- 
tempted piece of extortion, which was an usur- 
pation of power for the officers to have sought to 
collect, when it was their duty to see that law and 
justice were secured to all. 

It was further held that no state nor city could 
levy a tax on interstate commerce, in any form or 
guise, or on receipts derived from that trans- 
portation, or on the occupation or business of 
carrying it on. 

Of course, this w 7 as a great victory for me — 
when it came — but it did not prevent me having 
some very uncomfortable months and a course of 
treatment which might have meant ruin to some. 

Perhaps they mistook their man. Certainly 
the authorities only considered me as a thief and 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. t 225 

a vagabond from the very start, and were deter- 
mined to show me that a fakir had no rights 
which they were bound to respect. I was arrested 
in the very harshest manner, and though a couple 
of citizens temporarily signed as my se- 
curity, it was not long before I found 
myself in jail, where on entering I 
was stripped of my diamonds and all the 
loose money I had in my pockets, which last 
was quite a little sum. They appeared to want 
to make sure of the fifty dollars fine and costs, 
and if possible to prevent my having any money 
with which to fight the city in the courts and to 
make my stay in that jail as uncomfortable as 
possible. My treatment there was simply vile, 
and when I took a severe cold in an infernally bad 
cell, and through lack of attention the cold drifted 
into pneumonia, I began to believe there was a 
conspiracy to murder me. I think I would have 
died had it not been for some good ladies, who at 
that very moment were being sneered at for at- 



226 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

tempting to inaugurate practical Christianity by 
visiting those who were sick and in prison. They 
managed to see that I was nursed through to 
semi-convalescence, and made an effort to have 
my fine remitted and a discharge granted. The 
county attorney appeared against them, however, 
and as they were represented by a young man of 
more goodness than knowledge of law or elo- 
quence their prayer was denied. 

Feeling sure, then, that the city would remain 
obdurate, and that to remain longer in prison 
would mean death, I paid fine and costs under 
protest and crawled out to the free sunlight once 
more, "busted" in health and pocket, and only 
too glad to get out. 

In the end, as I have told, I procured a de- 
cision of the United States court in my favor, and 
then my counsel came back on the city for dam- 
ages, eventually settling with the authorities for 
a nice little sum. Long before that, however, I 
had largely recovered my health and spirits and 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 227 

was once more on the high road to prosperity. 

When I came out of prison I was in no condi- 
tion, financially, to long remain idle, for I had no 
idea of asking or receiving assistance from the 
folks at home. Nor was I in condition physically 
to do the exhaustive hustling I had been follow- 
ing for some years. I had to take up with some- 
thing easy, and as I had no capital to speak of 
there was no time to pick and choose. I took up 
with the first thing which offered employment, 
and considered myself lucky that as a stranger in 
a strange place I was able to secure a position as 
solicitor for an insurance scheme, which was cer- 
tainly as big a fake as any I had ever met with. 

The "company" had been organized long 
enough to inspire some confidence and was doing 
a thriving business on the following scheme, 
which was just a variation of what has been called 
the "graveyard" plan. 

Any man could pay in by installments within 
ninety days the sum of thirty dollars and have his 



228 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

life insured for one hundred, while on the day 
after the last payment he could draw out sixty 
dollars in cash, always provided he fulfilled faith- 
fully certain conditions, the most important of 
which was that within thirty days he was to fur- 
nish two new members. Of course, the two new 
members had to do the same thing. 

Some persons might think a fake like that 
could not win, but it did. Men with plausible 
tongues can start almost anything, and once get 
a scheme like this to going it soon grows into a 
regular epidemic. Where it would have ended I 
cannot say, had not the state insurance commis- 
sioner interfered, to the great disgust of the 
policy holders, who were willing and anxious 
each to put up the remainder of his thirty dollars 
in order that sixty might be drawn. The com- 
pany made no great fight for life. . It had been 
making big money while it lasted, paid its agents 
well, and dissolved with full pockets, leaving me 
improved in health, capital and general knowl- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 229 

edge of what the world wanted and was willing 
to pay for. 

When the insurance scheme gave out I jumped 
the town, because I knew the law was going to 
step in, and I had enjoyed my fill of legal entan- 
glements and didn't want any more. With what 
money I had I went down the road about twenty 

miles to a little station called B . The first 

thing I did was to put up at the only hotel there 
was in town. I asked the landlord what his rates 
were. He took me into the dining room and 
showed me two tables; one was covered with 
white cloth and the other with Turkey red. Point- 
ing to the white he said, "If you eat at this table 
it will cost you two dollars a day and you get cake 
every meal, but if you eat over there with the 
boarders it will cost you three dollars per week, 
but you don't git no cake." I played the red for a 
week and came out all right; but, oh, such a hotel. 
It was while here looking for some light out- 
door work that I fell in with a traveling horse 



230 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

doctor. He had a scheme of his own and was 
working it to the queen's taste. I suspect that I 
knew more about horses than that doctor, but 
that is neither here nor there. He claimed to 
have a sure cure for hog cholera. I told him my 
predicament and he took me along. 

His plan of treatment was to catch a hog, give 
him a hypodermic injection close to the tail and 
then turn him loose. Charges were ten cents per 
head. 

There was chelora all around the neighbor- 
hood and for about four months we did a nice 
business. One day, though, a large drove of hogs 
we had just operated on suddenly took sick and 
died. The doctor heard of it in time and skipped. 
So did I, and we went in different directions. The 
last thing he did before we parted was to hand me 
three ten-dollar bills, and I was on earth once 
more. 

Here I was, adrift again, with a little money, 
but my health not at all restored and my case be- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 231 

fore the supreme court of the United States still 
hanging fire. I looked around for some light, 
open-air business and invested in a wheel of for- 
tune, some cigars and a license to run the thing. 

Probably the reader is familiar with the instru- 
ment, though it is not so much in evidence now, I 
believe, as it was in those days. The anti-gam- 
biing laws of many of the states have made it a 
less profitable investment. 

This wheel had six rows of numbers, from one 
to five, encircling it. I charged five cents a turn 
and guaranteed a prize every time. For number 
one I gave one cigar, for number two two cigars, 
and so on up to number five. 

Even if a man would win five cigars, which did 
not occur often, I was not dangerously hurt, as 
I bought my stock low down, the average profits 
on the thousand being an enormous per cent. 

There was not "big money" in the wheel, but 
for a small venture the returns were pretty fair, 
and with it as a companion I wandered over a 



232 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

wide range of country, . recovering my health, see- 
ing the world and gaining more experience. A lit- 
tle adventure in the west will give you an idea of 
the sort of thing I was apt to meet with. 

I took the stage for the small town of Gurns- 
ville, and when I arrived all was excitement on 
account of a wagon circus which was showing 
there. I had not struck the show before, but im- 
agined I was going to turn a. pretty penny off the 
crowd which would be in attendance. 

To my disgust I found the authorities were not 
going to allow anything that even looked like 
gambling. Circuses have an unholy reputation 
for fleecing the public with all sorts of catch 
games, and the city had resolved that the inno- 
cents should be protected, and reserved for the 
faro banks and keno tables of the town, of which 
I understood there were more than a sufficient 
supply usually in full blast. I could not get a li- 
cense to run my wheel of fortune with cigars. 

In those days the majority of the citizens of 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 238 

Gurnsville, if they smoked, used pipes. A cigar 
was considered to be the mark of a dead-game 
sport, for the cheapest thing you could get was 
fifteen cents, or two for a quarter. The store- 
keepers and merchants had pooled their issues to 
a certain extent and united in a sort of trust to 
keep up prices. Wages were high, so they could 
ask big prices, not only for cigars, but for every- 
thing else. 

I had about three thousand cigars with me and 
did not want to lose the day, so I took out a li- 
cense to sell on the street in the ordinary manner. 
About this time I was more particular about the 
license than before or since. I rented a small 
glass case and opened a stand right near the show 
grounds. 

I assorted the cigars, putting the light colored 
ones on one side and the dark on the other. The 
medium shade I also separated. The light ones 
I sold two for five cents, the dark ones five cents 
each, and the medium ones for ten and fifteen 



234 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

cents. They were all of the same quality and cost 
the same price, being as low an article as I could 
find that had a half-way decent outside. 

When the crowds began to gather about the 
tents, long before the hour for opening the doors, 
I yelled at the top of my voice, "Right this way. 
Two fine cigars for five cents." 

People there had never paid less than fifteen 
cents for one cigar, and the idea of getting two 
for a nickel excited them. They fairly ran over 
each other in getting to the case. 

If a straggling fellow would come up with his 
"best gal" on his arm I would call his attention 
to the better goods in the case. Of course, rather 
than give his girl the impression he was close- 
fisted, and bought cheap cigars, he would flip me 
a twenty-five-cent piece and take two for a quar- 
ter. I sold out those three thousand cigars slick 
and clean, and was sorry I had not a few thous- 
and more. The result almost convinced me that 
legitimate business beats gambling every time. I 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 235 

went away with about three times as much money 
as I could possibly have had had they allowed me 
to run my little old wheel of fortune. 

That was doing pretty well, but see how pride 
goes before a fall. Having sold out, and having 
a pretty fair little sum of money in my pockets, T 
decided to turn my face from the frontier and 
seek a locality where I could get into something 
which would more rapidly add to the small for- 
tune I had accumulated. I paid my fare and 
traveled like a gentleman. The stage coach in 
which I journeyed was held up by road agents 
and I was robbed of every cent I had, except the 
loose change in my pockets. In consideration of 
my semi-clerical garb, I suppose, they made no 
search of my person after I had handed out my 
wallet. In that way I saved my ticket — which 
included both stage and railway transportation to 
my destination, which was a small city, where I 
expected to do some business — and a few dollars 
in silver. 



236 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

I may say here that I never saw my wheel of 
fortune again. I had supposed it was stowed in 
the boot of the stage, but when I got off it was 
not there. The driver promised to start it for 
Munro on the next stage out after he got back, 
but it never reached me. It seems it was started 
all right, though, but the stage went over the 
rocks at a bad place in the road and both were 
helplessly wrecked, while one of the horses was 
killed on the swt. Fortunately, there were no 
passengers. 

When I reached Munro on the train I met with 
a little adventure. It so happened that a big re- 
vival meeting was in progress at the place and an 
outside minister was expected to arrive on my 
^train, who was to assist the local ministers with 
the meeting. 

Naturally, one of the members came to meet 
the brother; and naturally, again, he took the 
daily hack which regularly met the train, since it 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 237 

was about a mile and a half from the station to 
the town. 

I was the only passenger to get off, and as I 
had a smooth-shaven face and wore a Prince Al- 
bert coat the deacon supposed I was his man. He 
rushed up, greeted me cordially, grasped my grip 
and invited me into the hack. 

I, naturally thinking he was a hotel runner (in 
these God-forsaken places everyone wears such a 
forlorn and melancholy look that it is hard to dis- 
tinguish a preacher from a porter), followed 
without resistance. 

We started off at a good gait, the way was 
rough, and the driver in a hurry. We were the 
only passengers and sat on the same seat, the 
front one being occupied by my valise and various 
packages which seemed to be in care of the driver. 
Time after time, as the wheels struck a particu- 
larly bad spot, my companion and I were jammed 
together. 

Whenever this happened he would turn to me 



238 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

with what seemed to be a surprised and aggrieved 
frown on his face and say: 

"Look out, brother. Stop, stop." 

Finally, after a particularly big lurch, he said 
positively : 

"See here, now, I want you to quit." 

As I was to blame no more than he for these 
little, unpleasant accidents, I could not under- 
stand his taking them so seriously, but I noticed 
that he kept getting redder in the face and madder 
the further we traveled. 

At first I took it for a local joke and tried to 
laugh it off, but the more I laughed the madder 
he grew. 

The hack was going at a rapid rate, and on 
turning sharply an angle in the road we were 
jammed into each other more savagely than ever. 

This time he jumped up as quick as a flash, his 
eyes blazing with rage, and let forth such a tor- 
rent of words that he cut large holes in the air. 
Whew ! He gave me the worst tongue-lashing I 



V \\E.\TY YEARS A FAKIR. 239 

ever got in my life, beating the oration of a 
mother-in-law. Even she would not have used 
the language he did, for it was scientifically ap- 
plied and too strong for ordinary use. 

By this time I began to smell a mouse, and, 
taking things calmly, induced him to explain. 
Then I made an investigation. 

I had in my pocket a file, which I used to regu- 
late my street torch. The point of it had worked 
out, and every time we were jammed together he 
would catch it in his side. The last time it caught 
him stronger than ever, causing his extreme out- 
burst. 

He looked from my face to the file, and then 
from my face to the file again. 

Then, to my surprise, he suddenly covered his 
face with his hands and burst into a flood of tears. 
I have heard men cry, both before and since, but 
never a strong man weep like he did. 

It did not turn me against him, but, on the con- 
trary, I tried to console him, and so his story 



240 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

came out. He was a reformed man, who kept 
violent passions under control only by the great- 
est effort; and to him it seemed he had sinned 
beyond pardon, and that there could be no hope 
for him in the future. 

I told him that if a good man could not fall 
we would have to pray not to be led into tempta- 
tion, and wound up with : 

"My dear brother, God knows what has hap- 
pened ; you know and I know. We three under- 
stand. The rest of the world might not. Let us 
keep it among ourselves, and decide that any- 
thing of the kind shall not happen again." 

I think, perhaps, that little incident did us both 
good, though the preacher was more than ever 
abashed when he learned that I was not a brother 
clerico, but a traveling — I never explained to him 
what, for fear the lesson I had read him might be 
thrown away. 



CHAPTER XIV. 



Temperance Town and Cold Tea Racket 
— Busted Again — Money Making Schemes 
— The Shoemaker Couldn't Sleep — Going 
Back to Street Work — The Fifty Thous- 
and Dollar Money Deception — Jewelry 
Packages to Be Used Any Old Way : — Some 
More Street Jokes — A Watch and Chain 
for Twenty-Five Cents. 

The ensuing weeks were possibly the most 
varied and really the most eventful of my career. 

There was no time to be choice. Being broke 
and far away from headquarters, I was forced to 
spread myself after any and every fashion that 
presented itself; and I found that the most fool- 
ish and harmless of fakes sometimes presented 
very handsome returns. 

Bless your soul, I never was at fault. I filled 
a nice lot of bottles with clear water, put in a 



242 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

cent's worth of flavoring extract, and sold it as 
an electric face wash — price ten cents per bottle. 
Used according to directions I haven't a doubt it 
did all that it was guaranteed to do. Clear water, 
fresh air, a good conscience and a whole lot of 
imagination "will do heaps." 

I sold a renovating liquid, made from vinegar, 
salt and ammonia, at tw r enty-five cents per bottle. 

A little receipt for mixing gold paint did fairly 
well. At one time I sold candy as an anti-coal oil 
explosive, getting five cents for three small pieces. 
When you are in hard luck and away from home 
it don't pay to be too particular, and everything 
was fish that came into my net. Handle coal oil 
the way I told 'em and there would never be any 
explosion, anyway. 

One day while making my rounds with my 
anti-explosives I dropped into a shoe shop and 
found the cobbler to be a little, dried-up, sickly 
old man, who was afflicted with some nervous 
ailment which kept him from sleeping. In telling 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 243 

me his tale of woe he mentioned the fact that he 
had not slept any for three nights. I told him, 
sympathizingly, that I was once troubled in the 
same way, but was now entirely cured. I fur- 
ther stated that I had a bottle of medicine, and if 
he wanted it he could have it at just what it cost 
me, as I had not needed it for several years. 
Though he would not go to a doctor he was only 
too glad to get from me something which 
promised relief. I told him I would just slip 
around to the hotel and get the bottle; and leav- 
ing him went to a druggist, who put me up a 
sleeping draught, for which he charged me 
seventy cents. My friend, the cobbler, paid 
me one dollar, and the next day delightfully told 
me had just had the best night's rest he had 
known for years. 

In this way I went on, and it was on this trip 
that I struck a town in a temperance, or "Maine 
law," state where the county fair was in progress. 

I bought a permit to sell temperance drinks on 



244 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

the grounds, for I had found where I could buy a 
lot of empty beer and whisky bottles. I had a 
stall or pen for my use, and placing four wash- 
tubs almost filled with ice in the darkest corner, 
where they could scarcely be seen, I loaded my 
bottles with good, strong, cold tea and packed 
them on ice. In front I had a small stock of pop 
and some real, red circus lemonade. There is a 
fortune in the latter itself, rf you can only sell 
enough of it. 

In temperance towns, when you walk into a 
drug store and call for "cold tea," the clerk knows 
what you mean and winks when he hands you the 
liquor. When I began to yell, "Right this way,« 
gentlemen, for your cold tea; and here you have 
your ice cold lemonade. Here you have your Cal- 
ifornia pop, and the coldest tea you ever tackled." 
The crowd flocked around, and I did a land office 
business. 

Of course, as soon as a man tasted his tea he 
tumbled to the racket ; bijt as it was a good joke 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 245 

he would smile to himself and not give it away. 
If some unsuspecting stranger would walk up and 
call for beer I would tell him, with a wink, "We 
don't keep beer nor whiskey, but I have some 
lemonade and awfully nice 'cold tea.' He would 
tumble, as he supposed, and take cold tea in his'n, 
stick the bottle in his hip pocket, and walk off 
with a smile on his face as big as a Kansas City 
ham. I sold the beer bottles at twenty-five cents 
each and the whiskey bottles (pints) at fifty. I 
am afraid to say how much were my profits. You 
can guess. 

Though I may seem to have been successful in 
my schemes — and I was — yet they were small 
ones, parts of the country I was in were poor, and 
when I had worked around to a broader field I 
was still short of capital, and undecided about 
settling down on any particular line. I believe I 
was at my lowest ebb for about a year, in which 
I worked all sorts of things. I traveled as a reno- 
vator, cleaning clothing, hats and garments when 



246 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

I had to, but preferring to sell the liquid which 
did the work. I gave away little packages of 
medicine, and sold with them a book for twenty- 
five cents, which was supposed to be a treatise on 
the anatomy of man. At one time I was a pro- 
fessional carpet cleaner, who guaranteed to clean 
a carpet without pain and remove grease while 
the customer waited. I used to clean a spot by 
way of sample, and then sell the stuff to do the 
rest. I had a furniture polish which was handled 
on the same plan. I sold rugs by installments, 
and was the originator of the scheme of selling 
watches on the street, the price payable by install- 
ments. I worked about three months at that, 
going backward and forward to make my collec- 
tions, and finding it paid fairly well. Then there 
was the cologne and perfumery fake. The ar- 
ticles were done up in fancy packages, in which 
was enclosed a circular. These were distributed 
from door to door, and so well was the circular 
worded that on calling the next day for the money 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 247 

or package it was generally the money. The price 
was seventy-five cents a package, or one dollar 
and a quarter for two. 

There was the advertising directory scheme, 
which could be handled without much danger of 
failure if you could find a field which had not 
been occupied. Every one wants a directory of 
the city and county if it can be had at a reasonable 
price, and advertisers will take space enough to 
make good profit. There were plenty of things 
for a bustling man to turn his attention to, and 
as my health became re-established more firmly, 
my head began to rise above water. 

One day I figured up my cash and found I had 
more than one hundred dollars, and decided to 
send for a stock of goods. 

I always was successful at street selling, and 
though I made the bulk of my money in other 
lines, at this particular time my preference lay in 
that direction. There was something fascinating 
in gathering a crowd; to change its cold, marble 



248 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

stare into one of eager expectancy; to warm it 
up to the highest pitch, and bring the coin rolling 
in through the power of my own magnetic elo- 
quence. 

You can make up your mind that, though some 
men may be proof against your most seductive 
wiles, the mass of them are not. Pack men closely 
together, start up the battery of your personal 
magnetism, and you will get somebody under 
control. Then the fire will spread from him to 
another, and so on, until the mass of the throng 
are just as much your victims as though they had 
resigned themselves to a hypnotic doctor on the 
stage. 

There are dozens of ways in which a crowd can 
be prepared for this influence and by which it can 
be maintained. Take the pretended money de- 
ception. That operates along this line. I used 
to carry a lot of dummy stacks of coin money. 

They were put up to resemble piles of silver 
dollars and five and ten and twenty-dollar gold 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 249 

pieces, and looked like stacks of real money. To 
all appearance I would have thousands and thous- 
ands of dollars stacked up in front of me in the 
carriage, and I found that its presence helped me 
out wonderfully in holding and magnetizing a 
crowd. They would stand around, gazing at this 
money and wanting to see what I was going to do 
with it, until they forgot all about it in their in- 
terest in something else. But all the same I had 
started their expectant attention, and by and by 
they were ready to see the green cheese in the 
moon. With such an evidence of wealth in sight 
they were ready to believe in the value of almost 
anything I presented. 

I also used an imitation of paper money with 
the same effect. 

When I got fairly in the swing of "giving 
away" goods I would say : 

"Don't imagine, gentlemen, that I am traveling 
simply for personal profit made now and at your 
expense. I am introducing these goods. That's 



250 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

all there is to it. The firm I am with represents 
millions, and I have all the money of my own that 
I know what to do w T ith. I don't need yours. You 
can see for yourselves my very clothes are lined 
with it." 

Then I would pull out bundles of this green 
paper from every pocket, piling them on the table 
in front of me, and perhaps seeming to light a 
cigar with a ten or twenty-dollar bill. 

This particular time I sold jewelry packages 
and after giving some kind of an interlude I 
would say to the crowd : 

"Now, gentlemen, I have traveled over every 
state and territory in this glorious union, and in 
all foreign lands; I am known the world over as 
whole-souled, honest, liberal Jim, the man who 
gives goods away. I am going to show you to- 
night that I deserve the title. You've done con- 
siderable for me; I'm going to do something for 
you. 

"Here is a genuine, black kid purse with four- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 251 

teen rivets. It would cost you in the regular way 
fifty-five cents. Here are a pair of patent lever 
collar buttons, that should cost you at least half a 
dollar. Til just drop them into the little pocket 
book. Here I have a beautiful wedding ring, 
warranted solid brass. You'll notice I don't 
make misrepresentations. We'll say that this 
wedding ring is worth a nickel, and drop it also 
into the purse, like this. Then, we'll go right 
down here and get a pair of these beautiful, agate 
setting cuff buttons, that any jeweler in the world 
would charge you a great big dollar for. We'll 
drop them into the little purse and call the whole 
outfit two dollars. Don't forget. They are a for- 
tune in themselves, magnetic and diretic, and can 
be used internally, externally, eternally and ever- 
lastingly. 

"Does any one want them for two dollars? 

"No? Well, I'll tell you what more I'll do. 
I've only got about a dozen of these little outfits 
and I am determined to get rid of them tonight. 



252 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

I'll do it, too, if I have to throw 'em away. But, 
hold on. I'll see what I can find. Here is a little 
diamond stud that I'd give a dollar for myself. 
I'll just drop that into the purse and call it three 
dollars. Last, but not least, I'll go right down 
here and get one of these beautiful, elegant, gen- 
uine, double-linked, aluminum chains, with a pat- 
ent bar and swivel on each end. If you can go to 
any store in your city and get one for less than a 
three-dollar bill I'll make you a present of one 
hundred dollars. I'll just drop the chain into the 
little purse here and call the outfit six dollars, al- 
together. 

"Now, gentlemen, don't get scared or faint 
away, but the first man who passes me up a quar- 
ter gets the entire outfit, purse, magnetic agate, 
studs, ring, collar buttons and chain. Only twen- 
ty-five cents for the entire lot. Ah! There is 
the man who takes it. Now, for another lot, and 
then we'll see if we can't find something else." 

It was not more than a half bad scheme to 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 253 

praise the town, telling how much you liked it, 
and what noble, whole-souled, up-to-date, gener- 
ous business citizens they had. With all the evi- 
dences of wealth in front of me, some such gag as 
this always caught the heart of the crowd. 

"I tell you, gentlemen, you've got a grand 
town here, a noble town. You can imagine that 
I love it, because when I struck the place but a 
week or two ago I was clean, dead broke. That's 
a tough way for a fellow T to be, but for a fact I 
didn't have a cent. 

"And look at me now. I walked up to the St. 
James hotel and registered. I told the proprie- 
tor, Johnson — you all know him, square as a die 
and as good a man as ever lived — what a predica- 
ment I was 'in, and struck him for a job, stating, 
too, that I was an old, experienced hotel man. 

"He said he would hire me, and put me to work 
in the dining room as a waiter. Perhaps some of 
you remember my first appearance there. 

"At dinner time the guests began crowding 



254 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

around the table, and after taking about six 
orders at once I picked up my tray and rushed 
into the kitchen. 

"On my way back I slipped on a banana peel- 
ing and fell, with my whole load, to the floor. 

"The landlord came running in, mad as a hor- 
net, and said : 'Get out of this, quick as you can, 
you blankety-blank fool; I've got enough of you. 
I can't have any of your confounded gambling in 
this house.' 

"I got up and begged for a new trial, but he 
was obstinate, and told me I ought to have better 
sense than to gamble in the dining room before 
all the guests. 

"'Gambling?' said I. 

" 'Yes, gambling,' said he. 

" 'Well,' said I, 'how do you figure that out?' 
'Why,' answered he, 'you had a tray full and 
you dropped your pile.' " 

As I always picked out a landlord who was 
known to sometimes dally with the seductive 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 255 

jackpot, and knew, too, the value of a bob-tail 
flush, the story was sure to make a hit. 

I would then go on. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, if I was not afraid of 
exciting your sympathies I would sing you a sen- 
timental song I have in my repertoire. It is so 
mesmeric in its nature and electrical in its action 
that I most generally like to leave it out, or until 
the last thing, for fear I might be overpowered 
like the rest of you. I sang it in Boonsville last 
week and nothing was good enough for me; and 
if they hadn't needed them themselves I think 
they would have even taken off the old shoes from 
their feet to throw into the wagon. Silver ? Sil- 
ver wasn't in it. They just filled this carriage 
with golden eggs, and they tossed me at least a 
hundred bouquets, each one tied to a brick. The 
title of this morceau is: 'Biddy's Got a Corn on 
Her Nose.' 

As they always liked to laugh I kept the comic 
stories going, even if they were old and common 



256 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

property among the fakir fraternity. Perhaps I 
would go on in this fashion : 

"I want to tell you of a little experience with 
my wife, a month before we were married. I had 
been calling on her for several years and she was 
the chilliest, most icy proposition you ever heard 
of. She never would let me kiss her. When I 
finally proposed she said : Til marry you on one 
condition.' 

"' What's that?' said I. 

"She replied that if I would run her a foot race 
and catch her she would be mine. The only con- ' 
dition she made was that I was to give her one 
hundred yards the start. 

"Of course, I accepted. We started. She ran 
up one street and down the next, through alleys ; 
buildings, stairways and everything that came 
along. Whew! But that girl was a runner. 
When I reached one corner I would just get a 
glimpse of her making the turn in the block 
ahead. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 257 

"Just as I was about to give up in despair I 
saw her run into a big church. 

"Like a whirlwind I tore after her and found a 
big revival meeting in progress. When I reached 
the center of the middle aisle the preacher, who 
was in the midst of the sermon, looked up and 
shouted to me: 

: 'What's the matter, brother? Are you look- 
ing for salvation?' 

" 'No/ I yelled back, Tm looking for Sal Skin- 
ner.' 

"I will now sing you another beautiful lyric, 
most sentimental and touching, entitled, ' 'Tis 
Only a Chunk of Kindling from My Sweetheart's 
Wooden Leg.' " 

I varied the purse scheme for disposing of jew- 
elry with a fake that was quite successful, seldom 
made trouble, and which offered a fair amount of 
money. 

I had got hold of a little toy watch that I 
thought was really a bargain. It looked for the 



258 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

world like a real one, and at wholesale it cost me 
just seven cents. To each one I attached a chain 
that cost eight cents and then placed them in 
fancy, red lined paper boxes, all ready for offer- 
ing to the public. 

In addition to my own vocal and instrumental 
performances I usually had the specialties of one 
or two musical comedians to attract and hold the 
crowd so that I could keep it with me during the 
entire sale. You will notice in the argument that 
I used I made my strong talk on the watch, but 
sold the chain. 

"Now, gentlemen," I would say, "before we 
close our entertainment I wish to address you for 
a few moments and explain still further why I am 
here. 

"You might naturally presume that I was sim- 
ply a street fakir by profession, who was out here 
for your money. But, my friends, such is not the 
case. I am not traveling for money, nor my 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR, 259 

health, nor am I traveling on my shape. If I was 
I would have been soaped long before this. 

"But, strange as it may seem, I am now spend- 
ing my time and wasting my lungs for the sole 
purpose of giving goods away. 

"I am going to give every man here tonight 
who is so fortunate as to get one a nice, new 
watch. Yes, actually give it to him, free of charge. 
The watches are manufactured in Boston by one 
of the most reliable concerns in that city, and in 
order to introduce them to the public they have 
hired me to advertise them in this manner, and 
given me positive instructions not to charge a 
cent for the watches. 

"These chronometers have, as you see, genuine 
hunting cases. They are not a full jeweled watch, 
but they are stem-winders and stem-set, with as 
pretty a dial and second hand as any high-priced 
watch on the market. 

"And while I think of it, I want to tell you a 
little experience a man had in Tijbyville a short 



260 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

time ago. I was on the streets there, working as 
I am tonight. The gentleman I refer to was in 
the crowd and I gave him one of these watches. 
He traded it the next day for a horse, traded the 
horse for a diamond stud, traded the diamond 
stud for a very valuable town lot, traded the lor 
for a farm, struck oil on his farm, and then sold 
out for sixty thousand dollars. What do you 
think of that for a speculation? If you don't 
think that's a lie I'll tell you another one. 

"But this isn't giving away watches, is it? 
Now, I am going to surprise you still further by 
putting a chain with each watch. You see, gen- 
tlemen, I am cne of the most liberal men you ever 
saw ; and you'll think so, too, before I get through 
here tonight. I just want to explain a little about 
these chains and then I will hand the goods out to 
you. 

"Several years ago a prominent mining expert 
was prospecting in the Asiatic mines. While 
hunting through the hills one day he ran across a 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 261 

very peculiar looking metal. It looked like gold, 
and stood all the tests for gold, but it was so soft 
and mushy that his long experience told him it 
could not be gold. 

"His curiosity being aroused, he took his knife 
and cut out a chunk, just as you would a piece of 
butter, and carried it back to camp. 

"Arriving there he opened his package, when, 
lo and behold, it had turned hard as a rock and 
red as the prettiest piece of gold nugget you ever 
saw. 

"More surprised than ever, he sent it to his na- 
tive city, New York, for examination. 

"The scientists there put their heads together 
and decided that it was in every way better than 
the original gold. 

"A company was immediately formed and the 
metal was shipped to this country in large quan- 
tities. Today, my friends, all kinds of articles are 
manufactured from it. This little chain which T 
hold in mv hand is made from this metal, that is 



262 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

known all the civilized world over as Asiatic 
aluminum gold. 

"Now, a few words more and I am done. In 
handing these out I wish to make an explanation. 
I have only about thirty watches and thirty 
chains, and if I were to hand them out right and 
left promiscuously I would not have enough to go 
around. Besides that, I might put some of them 
in the hands of unscrupulous men. 

"So, in order to avoid that, and protect myself, 
and have the watches go to people who are honest 
and appreciative, I will put a very small price on 
the chain, and nothing on the watch. 

"If you were to go to the jewelry store and buy 
one of these chains it would cost you from three 
to five dollars. Now, I shall not attempt to charge 
any such price, but, to make a long story short, I 
will put them down to the little, in-sig-nif-i-cent 
sum of twenty-five cents. Remember, the watch 
goes free, and the first man who passes me up a 
quarter gets the outfit. Ah, there's a man wants 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 263 

a bargain, and he'll get one, too. Here, sir, is 
your change. Who's the next lucky man?" 

All the time the quarters were rolling in I kept 
reminding the people that there were only about 
thirty watches and chains, though in reality 1 
would have been glad to put out an unlimited 
number. When I was sold out I gave the 
promised entertainment, and all went their sev- 
eral ways rejoicing. 

Thus I traveled, and schemed, and fought for 
fortune. If there was anything new on the whole- 
sale market I had it ; and it was surprising what a 
variety of articles for street selling I managed to 
pick up. It is unnecessary to say that I handled 
them clear up to the limit of artistic skill. 

But, after all, one gets tired of this sort of 
thing, though I varied my schemes as often as I 
thought I could make better money. 

I found, too, that what won one week was a 
failure the next, and with even what seemed a 
success the bank account which every fakir 



2(54 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

yearns to have was slow to grow. For that rea- 
son, when I seemed to have skimmed the cream 
off one thing, I tried something else, falling back 
on old schemes when it was necessary or profit- 
able. 

Several times I organized medicine companies 
and gave entertainments in the opera houses, 
carrying along a physician with whom the public 
could have free consultation. Several times I got 
out of such schemes by selling' good will and fix- 
tures, thus quitting them anything but a gainer. 

Nevertheless, there were other lines to work, 
and I tried them all, with the idea that one thing 
was as good as another, and perhaps I might find 
something a little better. When I discovered that 
street selling seemed to be telling on my throat I 
got back to canvassing again. 




CHAPTER XV. 



Selling Musical Instruments — Trickery 
and Deception — Looking for Something 
New — Selling the Roaster — The Canvass. 

I got to selling pianos and organs by the merest 
chance. 

I was canvassing with a furniture polish, which 
was really a very good thing, and one day went 
into a store where musical instruments were sold, 
hoping to do a stroke of business. I did, and a 
very good stroke of business I made of it. 

The dealer had some talk with me, apparently 
liked my style, and finally offered me very good 
terms to work for him a scheme he had in view. 
He thought T knew enough about the instrument 
to handle pianos successfully in the way he pro- 
posed. 

He had several Beatem pianos, which were 
listed at a high figure, but which he had obtained 



266 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

at a large discount. So far, he had been unable to 
sell them, and as he was well known he did not 
care to manage the fake he thought of suggesting 
to me. He offered to fix me up in style, and pay 
my expenses and big wages, if I would go to a 
city not far away, representing myself as from 
Beatem and attend to the disposing of a piano 
through the Woman's charity organization of the 
town. I jumped at the chance, and went to Tir- 
byville, splendidly dressed and in every way well 
equipped for the scheme. 

When the piano had come I called upon the 
president of the society and made known the fact 
that I was representing the Beatem Piano Com- 
pany of New York ; that their pianos were of the 
finest kind, and that the firm had adopted a new 
way of introducing them. Instead of paying big 
money to the newspaper men, I had instructions 
to give the benefit of all the profits to some char- 
itable association; in fact, I was in town for the 
purpose of giving away some of them now. The 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 267 

instrument was here, on exhibition and trial, and 
what we wanted to do was to call attention to it. 
At the sai/ie time, of course, we were more than 
gratified at the chance of doing a little good. I 
wanted to advertise the pianos, not to sell them; 
and in order to hurry the affair through as 
quickly as possible, I was going to offer special 
inducements to those taking an interest in the 
matter. 

I then stated that the instrument was worth 
eight hundred dollars, and the best way to deter- 
mine its destination was to raffle it off at one dol- 
lar per chance. I would have eight hundred 
, tickets printed, and the W. C. O. was to have 
twenty per cent, of the proceeds for managing 
the affair. As a still greater inducement for the 
ladies to assist in the scheme for getting the piano 
before the country, we intended to give a twenty- 
dollar gold piece to the lady who sold the greatest 
number of tickets, and ten dollars for the next. 
I knew the scheme could not fail. The ladies 



268 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

took hold and worked like beavers, attending to 
the sale of the tickets, and likewise to the draw- 
ing. On my side I saw that an advertisement like 
this appeared in the regular reading matter of the 
local papers : 

"The finest piano in the world. 

"Tirbyville enjoys the reputation of having 
the finest amateur musical talent of any town in 
the state, and Beatem Bros, of New York have 
the reputation of making the best pianos in the 
United States. 

"A representative of this firm is now in our 
city with one of their samples. In order to intro- 
duce their goods he will give away one of their 
superb instruments. 

"It will be raffled off under the auspices of the 
Woman's Charity Organization, the tickets sell- 
ing for the nominal sum of one dollar. 

"The piano is a gem, costing eight hundred 
dollars direct from the factory. It is now on ex- 
hibition at Kirby Bros.' music store, where the 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 269 

musically inclined public is invited to call. Pro- 
fessor S. James Wei don will be there at all hours, 
ready to explain the merits of the piano, and our 
citizens will do well to call. The worthy charity 
organization reaps the benefit of the drawing, and 
we trust our citizens will liberally subscribe." 

It took about six weeks to work up this scheme, 
but it paid well. After deducting the twenty per 
cent, commission, prize money and personal ex- 
penses, I went away with about one hundred dol- 
lars profit for my employer, who at once sent me 
to another place to work the racket over again on 
the same lines. 

I succeeded in exhausting his stock of Beatem 
pianos in this way, largely to his profit, and fairly 
to my own. When there were no more pianos he 
tried me on organs, and I remained with him 
quite a while. 

Sometimes I disposed of the organs by the lot- 
tery scheme, and sometimes canvassed through 



270 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

the country to sell them outright. Either way I 
made money out of the proposition. 

I remember that I once called on a farmer who, 
I knew, was a close buyer. He had two buxom 
daughters, who, besides feeding the chickens, 
milking the cows, and churning the butter, found 
time to play "Home, Sweet Home," on the organ. 
They had none of their own, and wanted one 
awfully bad. 

I exerted myself to the fullest to make the sale, 
but did not — until I was almost ready to throw up 
my hands. 

As a last resort I succeeded by a bit of trickery. 
I took out a piece of paper and began figuring on 
it, remarking: 

"Mr. Farmer, I am going to figure on the act- 
ual net manufacturer's cost of this instrument, 
and then I may be able to make you another prop- 
osition." 

After figuring for a while I said : 

"This organ never sold under one hundred and 



TWENTY YEAR8 A FAKIR. 271 

fifty dollars, but if you want it you can have it for 
one hundred and twelve dollars and forty-five 
cents. That is just about what it cost, but as I 
don't want to take it back to town with me you 
can have it for that price. You consider the offer 
while I am out watering my team and when I 
come back give me your answer." 

With that I started for the door, carelessly 
thrusting the slip of paper into my pocket. Acci- 
dently (on purpose) it fell to the floor, and I went 
on without noticing it. Of course, he picked up 
the paper and looked it over, seeing that, accord- 
ing to my own figures, the organ cost just one 
hundred and five dollars and fifty cents. 

Poor, unsuspecting man, when I came back, 
thinking he had the drop on me, he said: 

"Say, young fellow, I'll give you an even hun- 
dred dollars for that organ. What do you say?" 

Of course, I hesitated and talked a lot, but 
finally gave in. The organ stood us, counting 
freight charges and all, an even eighty dollars. 



272 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

The greatest objection I had to handling musi- 
cal instruments was that the work was not suffi- 
ciently "rapid and devilish." I think I rather 
preferred to handle organs, because I made more 
sales, even if the profits were so much less on 
three or four of them than on one piano. A hun- 
dred dollars coming at the end of three or four 
weeks was not as enticing as less money, coming 
by closer installments. 

It was a money-maker for me, but I eventually 
grew tired of the business. There was too much 
hard work in handling those large, heavy organs, 
and besides the disadvantage of traveling in all 
kinds of weather and putting up with inferior ac- 
commodations in farm houses, made it more than 
unpleasant. I drove into town one day deter- 
mined at least to take a little lay-off and figure 
on something that would be more to my liking — 
perhaps go back to street selling again. 

It generally happened that when I quit one 
thing another showed up right at my hands. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 273 

Probably it was because I was looking for it. 

Quite accidently I came across a canvasser. He 
actually tried to obtain my subscription to that, 
at one time, highly popular journal, The Weekly 
Rooster, and if I had not been too much in the 
same line myself I think he might have made it. 

We had quite a talk about the paper, from his 
point of view, and I decided to try my hand at it, 
for a time at least. 

I found more trouble in making arrangements 
than I had anticipated. I would have to be 
trusted to handle quite an amount of money, and 
the firm required a bond or strong references. 

I had no references nor bondsmen whom I 
cared to give, but I ultimately arranged by put- 
ting up a cash deposit, and after quite a lengthy 
correspondence, during which I was several times 
tempted to throw up my hands, I secured sample 
copies and a certified subscription book and went 
to work. 

The "Rooster" was a twenty page illustrated 



274 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR, 

paper, the subscription price being six dollars, in 
advance, per year. As special inducements, fifty- 
two paper back novels — one with each issue of 
the paper — were offered, and a set of six cloth 
bound volumes. If preferred, however, they took 
installments of fifty cents per month, and that 
was the liberal proposition I principally worked 
on. Very little trickery was necessary to obtain 
orders. i 

For my "mark" I first selected a well known 
individual, well up in public esteem; say, for in- 
stance, a merchant of high standing. Walking 
into his place of business I would say to one of the 
clerks near the door, "Is the proprietor in?" 

"Yes, sir. Yonder is Mr. Denim." 

Agent (walking up to the proprietor). — "Par- 
don me, but are you Mr. Denim?" 

Mr. D.— "That's my name, sir." 

Agent. — "I am representing the Weekly Illus- 
trated Rooster of New York and I want to put 
you down for a year's subscription," 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 275 

Mr. D. — "Don't want it. I'm taking too many 
papers now." 

Agent. — "Let me explain a little. The former 
manager of our paper died some months ago, and 
while the matter was kept up to its former high 
standard the business end was neglected, sub- 
scriptions expired without any effort to obtain 
renewals, and consequently half of our advertis- 
ing got away from us. Now, a new man has 
taken hold, enlarged the paper, added new de- 
partments, and is offering special inducements in 
order to build up again. I am under contract to 
get seventeen thousand new subscribers in this 
state, and I'll get them, if I have to give things 
away myself and be discharged for it." 

Mr. D. (growing interested). — "What sort of 
a paper is it?" 

When you bring a man into the confidential 
history of a thing he at once begins to imagine 
that in some way he must belong to it. 

Agent. — "It is a beautiful, clean, twenty paged 



276 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

paper, illustrated, and with sixteen departments. 
The news covers every form and condition of life, 
with accurate and thrilling pictures of the pass- 
ing show. The bulk of the articles are of an edi- 
torial nature, being instructive, interesting and 
amusing. We have sixty-seven special corre- 
spondents in all parts of the world, who contrib- 
ute regularly each week; and special articles are 
given from the best known pens in the universe. 
It is far above all contemporaneous sheets and 
costs no more." 

Mr. D. — "How much a year?" 

Agent. — "Only six dollars." 

Mr. t)— "Isn't that a little high?" 

Agent.— -"It might be considered so for the 
paper alone, but when you take into considera- 
tion the fact that we give with each yearly sub- 
scription the entire 'Rooster Series' of fifty-twc 
novels, by all the standard authors, books which 
would cost you twenty-five to fifty cents at the 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 277 

regular news dealers, the price is reasonable 

enough, after all. Don't you think so?" 

Mr. D. — "I'll admit that it is a nice offer, but I 
guess I'll have to pass it by this time." 

Agent. — "You are one of the pillars of the 
t<>wn. and I hate to let such a good man go." 

Mr. D. — "There are plenty of good men here 
besides me." 

Agent. — "Yes. I know; but not the same, 
either. You are recognized as one of the leaders, 
and your name heading my list would give me a 
prestige. " 

Mr. D. (' smiling V — "How do you know I am 
one of the leaders?" 

Agent. — "I was told so by another prominent 
citizen. I'll tell you what I'll do with you. Mr. 
Denim : I will give you free of chaf ge a set of six 
elegant, cloth bound volumes, all standard works. 
if you will subscribe for the paper. Of course, 
this is a confidential proposition, for the sake of 



2 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

obtaining your influence and to have your name 
at the top of my list." 

Mr. D. — "All right, then. Put my name 
down." 

This little scheme of tickling a man's vanity 
worked every time when the individual ap- 
proached had any vanity at all to tickle. As I 
usually averaged ten subscribers every day my 
profits ought to have been highly satisfactory — 
and so they were for some months, and it was 
only when there was a change in the liberal policy 
of the Rooster, including the cutting down of 
commissions fifty per cent., and also taking away 
the premiums, that I thought it time to take hold 
of something else. By this time I had a fair little 
bank account. 

I had acquired the taste of canvassing for read- 
ing matter, and from this on to reading matter I 
stuck, save at odd times when I picked up again 
almost any old thing and made it pay while I 
looked around and drew breath. I believe my 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 279 

next venture was in selling bibles, and I dropped 
into it while corresponding with eastern houses 
with a view to selling their books. While await- 
ing developments in that line this new one came 
to my hand. 




CHAPTER XVI. 



Selling Bibles — Selling Books — What 
Was Said — Working the Customers— Curi- 
osity — Public Meetings and Library Clubs. 

It was altogether an accident that I ever got 
into bible selling. I stumbled across a man who 
was probably in many respects better fitted than 
I to handle the business. 

Unfortunately for him, he was overtaken by 
sickness, and I did him a favor in financial as 
well as other ways when I allowed him for a time 
to turn his employment over to me. Of course, I 
went at it as a simple business proposition, and 
brought to bear all my resources rather than to 
lose a customer. They say if a man can't use his 
tongue he may as well shut up shop. As I never 
had any difficulty in the former, I never was com- 
pelled to do the latter for any other purpose than 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 281 

temporary repairs. The agent told me what to 
say and gave me all his business methods. 

The way I worked an ordinary sale was some- 
thing like this : 

After trying to lead my man into conversation, 
I would spring the real subject of my talk quite 
suddenly. 

"Oh, by the way, Mr. Smith, how would you 
like to have a nice family bible?" 

Air. Smith.— "A bible, eh? Oh, I have the old 
bible that mother gave us when we were mar- 
ried/' 

Agent. — "Yes, I know. But we have a bible 
•that discounts anything you ever heard of. It is 
a facsimile of an English bible that sells across 
the water for forty-five dollars. We are only 
charging twenty-two, and you pay only three dol- 
lars a month, without interest. It is the finest 
thing on the market today. Other publishers are 
dying to get our secret, because we are selling at 



282 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

less than it would cost them to manufacture the 
same article. 

Mr. Smith. — "Your bible must be a mighty fine 
one to cost twenty-two dollars. " 

Agent. — "Right you are. In the first place, it 
is printed on the very finest quality of white linen 
paper. Its cover is a superior quality of Morocco 
leather; the type is large and clean; the full-page 
engravings are executed on steel in the finest 
manner; it has the old as well as the new testa- 
ment, enriched with parallel references and a fine 
biblical dictionary referred to in marginal notes. 
In addition to all this, it has elegant blanks for a 
marriage certificate, and a family record, together 
with the illuminated Lord's prayer and the ten 
commandments, all on separate and decorated 
pages. To cap the whole thing and to give this 
bible a special 'tone/ there is a Swiss music box 
in it which plays twelve different hymns. Everv 
time you open the bible you have the benefit of a 
choir, and if you ever feel like staying home from 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 283 

church just take down the good book, have your 
little boy fall asleep by the fire, and you'll have a 
'meeting' of your own — psalms, hymns, services 
and all. Why, man, it is the most complete and 
beautiful thing of the kind you ever saw, and if 
you don't agree with me, on your honor, I'll give 
you fifty dollars." 

Mr. Smith. — "Whew. You're a long-winded 
feller. I know that bible is fine, but I just haven't 
got the money for it." 

Agent. — "You'll admit a good bible, clear 
type, solid binding, spring back and up-to-date is 
something every Christian household should pos- 
sess ; and how often are you called upon to invest 
in one? Once in a lifetime; anl when you do, 
you ought to buy carefully. A good bible is like 
every first-class article. It pays for itself in the 
long run, and the difference in price is always 
well worth paying. Think of the satisfaction of 
owning a genuine good article, that you will not 
have to replace in a lifetime. Besides, it is a 



284 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

staple ornament in a man's home and speaks for 
his morals and fear of the Lord — -which, you 
know, is the beginning of wisdom. Better let me 
put your name down." 

Mr. Smith (hesitatingly). — "I ought to see 
Maria first." 

Agent. — "This is the time you don't want to 
see Maria, because you want to surprise her. This 
bible business is a new venture with us, and this 
is my first trip out. But next trip I want to do 
an immense business, and I would like to get a 
book in here as a sort of an advance advertise- 
ment. I'll tell you what I'll do. If you won't say 
a word about it to a soul, and will give me your 
order, I'll knock off seven dollars from the price 
and make it an even fifteen dollars. And I'll also 
cut the payments to five cents per day — just one 
little, round nickel every twenty-four hours — till 
it's all clone and paid for. And I'll tell you, my 
friend, if I ever expected to be prosperous and 
have what the world calls a run of good luck it 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 285 

would be while I was buying a bible. What do 
you say?" 

Mr. Smith. — "Well, that certainly looks fair 
enough, and there's a good deal in what you say. 
I guess I'll put my name down." 

Agent. — "Thanks, sir, thank you; understand, 
the only reason I am giving you this bargain is 
that I can refer others to you when I come around 
again." 

Mr. Smith. — "Oh, yes, I understand." 

Agent. — "I know you have the best bargain 
you ever made. My word is as good as law, 
though, and Til not back out. Good day." 

That was the sum and substance of the argu- 
ment, varying it at all times to suit the occasion. 

Selling bibles was easy work, for the most part 
carried on with good people, and at a good profit 
— it may seem strange that I did not follow it 
longer than I did. I thought it a little strange 
myself. I do not believe it was superstition that 
drove me out of the traffic, but if you were to 



286 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

say that it was I might not know so well how to 
answer you. Anyhow, I quit it and took up with 
a general line of books. 

In the first place, this bible business was only 
temporary, and done only to help the sick agent 
out. Next, as stated in the previous chapter, I 
had made arrangementts for this line ; and, third, 
I knew there was better chance of making big 
money in handling a line of standard authors. So 
I quit the bible and paper and went to the miscel- 
laneous books. 

The firm I worked for published the complete 
works of many standard authors. There were no 
single volumes on my list, and if I remember 
right the smallest set was a history of the world 
in four volumes. 

As samples for canvassing the firm furnished 
each agent with a nice stretcher, showing up the 
backs of each set of books complete. These 
stretchers, or book backs, were gotten up in a very 
neat and tasty manner, and when set up against 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 287 

the wall looked just like a complete set of the 
books would appear when arranged in a book 
case. I would walk up to a business or profes- 
sional man without giving him any advance 
knowledge of what I wanted. In general, I 
stated my business in a roundabout, though ap- 
parently off-hand, manner, gradually leading up 
to the vital point, finally saying to him : 

"I am going to get up a library club here 
among the literary lights of the town and I want 
you in it." - 

Customer (pleased at the compliment). — "I 
didn't know that I was a literary light." 

Agent. — "Oh, yes you are. You have dis- 
tinctly that reputation. In fact, I heard about you 
before I came to town/' 

Customer. — "Who told you so?" 

Agent. — "Why, two or three parties in M — . 
up here told me to be sure and call on you. My 
manager in New York also sent me a list of 
twenty prominent people here, and your name was 



288 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

among them.' So, you see, you are known on the 
outside as well as in your own town." 

Customer. — "I don't see how you fellows find 
everything out/' 

Agent (jokingly). — "Oh, you know, 'murder 
will out/ " 

Customer. — "You are right there, but I don't 
understand what you mean by a Library Club." 

Agent. — 'Til tell you. It is a scheme that 
gives you a chance of getting a library of your 
own which will cost you virtually nothing." 

Customer. — "I still don't understand." 

Agent. — "I'll explain further. You know that 
it is the working for single customers, or hunt- 
ing them up and delivering, that makes the book 
business so expensive. Quick sales and small 
profits put quite a different face on the matter. 
Xow, here is a new edition of Roberts' w r orks in 
twelve large volumes. It contains all the products 
of this famous author's pen, and is the only com- 
plete set ever published. One set, regular price, 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 289 

costs twenty- four dollars, but if I can get up a 
club for twenty sets, in this town or vicinity, I'll 
cut the price right in two, prepay the expressage 
and deliver them for twelve dollars. You can pay 
for them in little monthly payments of say one 
dollar and a half per month, and the entire set 
delivered at one time and in advance. Did you 
ever hear of a better offer?" 

Customer. — "Well, it does sound pretty nice.'' 
Agent. — "By the way, do you know anything 
about. Roberts' works?" 

Customer.- — "I have heard of them." 
Agent. — "Roberts is now recognized as one of 
the leading writers and a standard authority. He 
was at one time a prominent officer in the English 
navy, and in that capacity traveled all over the 
world. His works are based on historical facts 
and personal observation. He takes you into all 
the different countries, and gives you more point- 
ers in history than any other living writer. He 
also opens channels heretofore unexplored. The 



290 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

beauty of Roberts is that he is instructive as well 
as interesting. I tell you, he is fine, and no one 
could appreciate a set of his works better than 
yourself." 

Customer. — "I dare say, but I have a lot of 
books now that I never read. I don't get the 
time." 

Agent. — "My friend, even if you don't read 
yourself you will admit that a library is a valuable 
addition to any home. You are in a position to 
appreciate the fact, since you are a married man ; 
and as this proposition is such a fair one you 
should not hesitate to increase your store. So far 
as not having time to read — you are not supposed 
to sit down and regularly read the edition 
through. Skim them over, culling as you go, and 
when you need a fact you know where to find it. 
Jay Gould had a library of 83,000 volumes. Do 
you suppose he read every one of them ? The fact 
is, while you prefer one thing your wife likes an- 
other, and the children still prefer others. Every 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 291 

one has his or her own individual taste in reading, 
and that is where the advantage comes in having 
an extensive collection. You know good reading 
sharpens a man's intellect and enlarges his knowl- 
edge. Better let me put your name down." 

Customer. — "Perhaps I will, but not right 
away. You go ahead and see what success you 
meet with and then come back to me." 

Agent (undismayed). — 'Til tell you another 
good point about Roberts. His language is the 
finest and purest ever placed on paper. Leading 
newspapers all over the world have clippings 
from Roberts. Lawyers in pleading their hard- 
est cases quote profusely from Roberts. His por- 
trayal of character is wonderful. When you read 
from him you laugh one minute and cry the next. 
Before you know it you are flying through the 
air like a feather. His is high-minded, choice 
reading in the fullest sense of the word, and ours 
is the most elaborate edition published." 

Customer.— "Well, I'll think about it." 



292 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

Agent. — "Did you ever read his Two Pirates?" 

Customer. — "No, I think not." 

Agent. — "It is considered his masterpiece and 
gives a history and a warning. There was once a 
young man by the name of Judson. He belonged 
to a fine old family, renowned for upright ways 
and aristocratic lineage. For all that the young 
fellow was disreputable and bad. 

"Some of the members of the family, in order 
to save themselves from being disgraced by his 
actions, persuaded him to join the navy, and he 
was placed on board a frigate commanded by a 
certain Captain Shortliff. 

"Judson was no sooner on board the vessel 
than his rogue's nature began to show itself. He 
conceived a sudden ambition to become a bold 
pirate, and concocted a scheme to murder all the 
officers, take command of the vessel, turn it into 
an ocean rover, and kill and plunder on the high 
seas. 

"He found among the crew plenty of willing 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 293 

hands to join him in the conspiracy, and it was 
settled among them that those who would not 
agree to come under the black flag were to be 
quietly murdered and their bodies thrown over- 
board. 

"The scheme was about ripe for consummation 
when it was discovered by Captain Shortliff. 
Judson and his first lieutenant were placed in 
irons, while the principal officers of the frigate 
held a consultation concerning what course it was 
best for them to pursue. 

"It was decided that the best thing to insure 
the vessel's safety was to hang the two rogues, 
and this, accordingly, was done. 

"Two months later, having arrived at head- 
quarters, the captain gave himself over to the 
naval authorities, reporting the fearful adven- 
ture. 

"He was court martialed, but later on it was 
decided under the circumstances he could have 



294 TWENTY YEAR8 A FAKIR. 

taken no other course, and the court fully exon- 
erated him. 

"Based upon these facts, General Roberts, who 
was a personal friend of Shortliff, wrote his most 
realistic novel. Now, don't you think you would 
like to read all about the "Two Pirates ?" 

Customer. — "The story is extremely interest- 
ing, but — you'll be around again, won't you?" 

Agent. — "No, I never make a second call on 
the same man. You know the old saying, 'Never 
put off till tomorrow what you can do today.' ' 

Customer. — "Oh, there are a great many old 
sayings. We don't have to follow them." 

Agent. — "Well, then, laying all jokes aside, 
I'll tell you what I'll do. You can't blame me for 
trying to get business when there is an oppor- 
tunity in sight. If you'll give me your order 
without any more labor, I'll cut the payments to 
twenty-five cents per week. You see, our regu- 
lar payments are one fifty a month, but I'll just 
put it down to one dollar. That will give you a 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 295 

whole year to pay in, without any interest. Of 
course, I wouldn't want you to mention it; but 
I'll do it, just to make sure of a quick sale. I 
know r if I can once get started I can hold you as 
a good customer in the future." 

Customer. — "Well, I guess I can stand a quar- 
ter a week. Put my name down." 

By asking at the outset payments of one dollar 
and a half per month I had room at the last to 
drop to one dollar. If, in the beginning, a man 
ordered a set, payable at the rate of five cents a 
day, I at once imagined him to be a good mark, 
and endeavored to sell him three sets at ten cents 
a day, or three dollars a month. I made more 
money in selling books than anything else I ever 
handled, and was awfully glad I tumbled into 
the business. I found from experience in this line 
that it was the easy terms that made the sales. 
With most people the only evidence of prosperity 
is the ability to buy, and as all desire to be pros- 



296 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

perous they are willing to accept the nearest evi- 
dence in sight and buy what they can. 

Along with the sales of books on the install- 
ment plan I sometimes worked the rackets known 
as the "Free Reading Room" or "Library Club'' 
schemes. 

Taking a town of moderate size I would solicit 
subscriptions from all the prominent men. For 
every dollar subscribed I would place in the read- 
ing room four volumes, which they were at lib- 
erty to select from a catalogue I carried. 

I argued that a free reading room was a good 
send-off on the outside, and would also be a good 
thing for the town in a social way. I managed to 
arouse much enthusiasm, and usually had from 
two to four hundred dollars on my list as a result 
of a couple of weeks' work. Then I would turn 
the books over to some charitable institution or 
a committee and go on my way rejoicing, with a 
neat little sum in my pocket. 

In the larger towns I organized library clubs 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 297 

among the young .folks, charging three dollars 
for a membership. With every membership se- 
cured I would put in from six to twelve volumes 
of standard works. If it was necessary to get the 
thing started in good shape I would call a meet- 
ing of the young people and pass around small 
envelopes. Those holding blanks had to pay for 
their memberships, but there would be a few 
holding lucky numbers, and they were entitled to 
join free of charge. At this meeting, guided by 
my experience, a regular library and social club 
would be organized. I would then collect my 
money, again being the winner by a good major- 
ity. In both of these schemes the books furnished 
cost me, on an average, twelve cents apiece. 



3|g 



CHAPTER XVII. 



Adding to Bank Account — Looked Bet- 
ter, Felt Better and Was Better — Selling 
Encyclopedias — Complete Canvass — Tricky 
and Persistent — Advertising Schemes — 
Tricks of the Present Day — Disguises — 
How Different Business Men Were Worked 
— Strategy. 

Having found a general line of books so profit- 
able to handle, it might be supposed that I would 
have stuck to that, and not experimented with ex- 
clusive work in a single line. I reasoned, how- 
ever, that a large commission, made just as easily 
and rapidly as a small one, was a great deal bet- 
ter for the bank account, and so I finally switched 
off from the general line to the selling of forty 
dollar encyclopedias. While engaged in this work 
I made better money, came in contact with a bet- 
ter class of customers, looked better, felt better 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 299 

and was better in bodily appearance and mental 
condition than I ever was before; and what was 
far better, I was able to put by and hold on to a 
far greater portion of my earnings. 

In soliciting for encyclopedias I used a horse 
and carriage, and made a thorough, systematic 
canvass of every town visited. I first called on 
the ministers, then the other professional men, in- 
cluding the school teachers, winding up with all 
the business men that would or could buy. 

This is my canvass, word for word, as it oc- 
curred. Walking into a store, I would say : 

"Are you Mr. Rice?" 

Mr. R. — "Yes, sir; that is my name." 

Agent. — "You are the proprietor, I believe ?" 

Mr. R.— "Yes, sir, I am." 

Agent. — "My name is Weldon; I am repre- 
senting the Banner people of New York." 

Mr. R.— "In what line?" 

Agent. — "Selling their new encyclopedias. I 
understand you are quite a reader, and I thought 



300 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

I would drop in and see if I could not interest 
you." 

Mr. R. — "Times are too hard to buy encyclo- 
pedias." 

Agent. — "Yes, I know times are hard." 

Mr. R. — "Besides, I am not fixed to take care 
of a set of that kind. I could not possibly afford 
it." 

Agent. — "Certainly, if you don't want them I 
won't insist, but — you know what they are, don't 
you." 

Mr. R.— "Oh, I guess so." 

Agent. — "And if you had a set in your library 
you would certainly appreciate them, wouldn't 
you?" 

Mr. R. — "Of course, I would appreciate them, 
all right, but there is no use of talking. I can't 
even think of buying them now." 

Agent. — "Suppose, Mr. Rice, that in the face 
of all your excuses, I should give you a chance to 
get a set for virtually nothing, do you think I 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 301 

could interest you ? That is a pretty strong ques- 
tion, but I mean it, every word. I am getting all 
the best people in town, and I was told to call on 
you." 

Mr. R. (growing attentive). — "Why, of 
course, if they didn't cost anything I would take 
a set. But I will bet you are not traveling over 
the country for your health." 

Agent. — "I do not mean that I will absolutely 
give a set away, but almost so. Give me half a 
chance and Til make you an offer that will do 
your soul good." 

Mr. R. — "What is your proposition?" 

Agent. — "I want to explain a little before I 
make my proposition. You see, this is a new edi- 
tion of Banner's, brought right up to date. The 
company advertised extensively and, figuring on 
doing a big business, got out seventy thousand 
sets. t This late financial crash happened, and it 
came near knocking us clear out. It don't pay 
to keep the stock on hand, and pay taxes and in- 



302 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

surance, so we are going to try and force them 
out, quick and cheap. Now, I'll tell you what we 
are going to do. The regular price of a set is 
seventy-two dollars, but we have cut that right 
in two, making it thirty-six. If you order you 
get the complete set at once, free of expressage, 
and only have to pay fifty cents a week on them 
until they are paid for, nothing in advance, and 
no interest. If that is not almost giving them 
away I don't know what is." 

Mr. R. — "I'll admit that is a fair proposition, 
but I don't think I can accept it today." 

Agent. — "It is a good idea for a man to be con- 
servative, but sometimes it is policy to deviate 
from the regular rule. If you will sift this offer 
down to a fine point, take every particle of it into 
consideration, and compare these books with 
other encyclopedias, you will acknowledge your- 
self that even if things are not just exactly as you 
would like to have them, it is worth while taking 
hold of anyway." 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 303 

Mr. R,— "Why do you claim that?" 

Agent. — "For various reasons. In the first 
place, the total cost for so good an article don't 
amount to a hill of beans. Even if you paid it all 
down at once you wouldn't feel it, let alone pay- 
ing for it in such little dribs. It is virtually noth- 
ing." 

Mr. R. — "Yes, but I have too many of these 
little dribs." 

Agent. — "I don't care how dull times are, 
how economical a man is, how many irons he has 
in the fire, or how many obligations he has on 
hand, there are always little incidental expenses 
during the month that are met without a mur- 
mur." 

Mr. R. — "Even if I bought the books I would 
still have those outlays." 

Agent. — "You are right, but I want to ask you 
one question. You make up your mind now to 
practice economy. If you w r ere walking down the 
street and felt like drinking a glass of lemonade 



304 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

or smoking a cigar wouldnt you go right in and 
spend ten or fifteen cents for the luxury?" 
Mr. R.— "Yes, certainly, if I felt like it." 
Agent. — "You play billiards and pool occasion- 
ally, do you not?" 

Mr. R.— "Yes, frequently." 

Agent. — "And you sometimes lose the game — 
one can't always win?" 

Mr. R. — "I am no expert; I often lose." 

Agent. — "If some ladies were to come in here 
now, soliciting for a church charity, you would 
dig up a couple of dollars without a struggle, 
wouldn't you?" 

Mr. R. — "Yes, but it's policy to do that." 

Agent. — "So I acknowledge, but I am just il- 
lustrating how money goes. If you felt like 
dropping in at the theatre you wouldn't stay away 
because business was a little slack. You would 
take your wife and go to the play and enjoy the 
evening, wouldn't you?" 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 305 

Mr. R. — "I do that frequently, but, then, one 
must have a little diversion." 

Agent. — "That is what I mean by incidental 
expenses — little matters which bob up without a 
word of warning. We feel called upon to meet 
them whether business is good or bad, and in the 
long run scarcely miss what they have cost. In 
fact, we don't allow them to bother us. Now, 
look at this. Here is something you can be proud 
to have in your home. Your entire family will 
enjoy and appreciate it, and it will be a fine addi- 
tion to your library, which would really be in- 
complete without it. Consider my proposition 
critically. You will hardly miss the fifty cents, 
and before you know it the books will be all paid 
for. It is the prettiest offer ever made." 

Mr. R. — "Oh, I know that, but I hate to obli- 
gate myself now." 

Agent. — "Why, sir, it's too little a venture to 
be afraid of. Think of what you are getting, and 
how you are getting it. It is just like going to the 



306 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

dentist to have your teeth filled. You dread the 
idea of sitting in the chair, but when it is all over 
you are awfully glad you have had it done. So 
with this encyclopedia. When you once get it, 
and have seen its full merits, you will wonder 
why you ever hesitated." 

Mr. R. — "But I really have no time to read." 

Agent. — "My dear sir, an encyclopedia is not 
made to be read like a newspaper or a novel. Its 
value is as a book for reference. If you have oc- 
casion to look at them only once a month it will 
be worth all the price you pay for it." 

Mr. R. — "Come to think of it, a friend of mine 
has a set. I can use his when I need them." 

Agent. — "But that is not like having a set of 
your own. For that matter, you could ask your 
neighbor to show you his clock, so you could see 
what time it was; but that is not like owning a 
clock. You could also borrow your neighbor's 
newspaper, but it is not always wise nor con- 
venient to do these things. You cannot always 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 307 

have them when you want them most. Take, for 
instance, a cold, wet, wintry night, and you at 
home by a nice, good fire, with wife and children 
gathered around you. Would you care to leave 
this cozy room and go out into the stormy night 
to your neighbor's library ?" 

Mr. R. — "Well, no. I guess I will speak to my 
wife and let you know this afternoon." 

Agent. — "Mr. Rice, that is not business. You 
know your wife would like the books, and you 
also know you do not want to be bothered again. 
Your time is too precious, and so is mine. You 
can tell me right now as well as this afternoon." 

Mr. R. — "I want the volumes bad enough, but 
I must have time to consider." 

Agent. — "In order to make you safe I'll tell 
you what I'll do. I will send them to you with 
the distinct understanding that if your wife don't 
appreciate them you can have them for nothing. 
Is not that fair?" 



308 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

Mr. R. — "That is fair enough — can't you come 
again ?" 

Agent. — "I just want to show you the advan- 
tages of this offer and then I'll go. In the first 
place, take the Blewtanical encyclopedia. It costs 
from seventy-five to one hundred and fifty dol- 
lars. Dippleton's costs from seventy-five to 
ninety-five, and Judson's, eight volumes, costs 
fifty-six dollars. The Monarch, in six volumes, 
costs sixty dollars ; and the Mercury, in nine vol- 
umes, forty dollars ; while the Peerless, the small- 
est standard encyclopedia, and only in three vol- 
umes, costs thirty-eight dollars. Now, mine is in 
twelve large volumes. It is four years later than 
any of the others, has all their merits, and more 
new features than all the rest put together. It is 
recognized as the standard edition all over the 
world, and I am offering it to you for less money 
than you can buy the cheapest of the others, and 
on such terms that you cannot afford to miss the 

chance." 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 309 

Mr. R. — "But are not the others just as good?" 

Agent. — "Perhaps — as far as they go. I am 
not running them down, understand. One of our 
greatest presidents was once addressing a literary 
society on the subject of books. Speaking of this 
class, he said there were no words strong enough 
to tell the merits of a good encyclopedia. Of 
course, if you bought any of those other editions, 
you would be getting good books, but they are a 
few years behind and cost so much more money. 
It is just like putting six coats of paint on a house 
when two will answer the same purpose." 

Mr. R. — "How is it you can sell yours so much 
cheaper than the others?" 

Agent. — "Because we are satisfied with larger 
sales and smaller profits. Our work is in no way 
inferior to the others ; in fact, all authorities con- 
sider it superior, and my terms are so reasonable." 

Mr. R. — "I should think you were taking big 
chances." 

Agent. — "That is the very reason we interview 



310 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

reliable parties only. Formerly, when one bought 
an encyclopedia, paying a fancy price for it, he 
would have to give a mortgage on house, busi- 
ness, wife, children and almost everything he pos- 
sessed. He'd have to sign promissory notes with 
a judgment clause, and you know what that 
means. He would have to pay ten per cent in- 
terest, pay for expressage, and receive only one 
volume at a time. Under this proposition you 
don't sign notes, you pay no interest, no ex- 
pressage, make no advance payments, give no se- 
curity, and get the complete set of twelve volumes 
at one time." 

Mr. R. — "How do I know that you are telling 
the truth?" 

Agent. — "I am surprised at that question. 
Don't the thing look fair, right on the face of it ? 
I offer to ship you a complete set, free of charge, 
and then give you one whole year in which to pay 
for them. Just think, my dear sir, could I afford 
to make misrepresentations on these conditions? 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 311 

You are a business man, and so am I. Do you 
think I'd sell you one thing and Ship you an- 
other?" 

Mr. R. — "And you say it is a very late edi- 
tion?" 

Agent. — "Yes, sir, modernized and right up 
to date." 

"Mr. R.— "Any maps?" 

Agent. — "Certainly, sir. One hundred and 
nineteen maps, 13,000 illustrations, 17,000 pages, 
57,000 separate and distinct subjects, 16,000,000 
words, and an atlas department which represents 
every country in the known world. This depart- 
ment, by the way, is more extensive than any 
single atlas. It takes you into every spot on the 
face of the earth, from the diamond fields of 
Africa to the orange groves of Florida. It also 
gives a biographical sketch of all the notables of 
the various nations, something no ordinary atlas 
does. The whole encyclopedia is complete in 
every department. It gives the origin of every 



312 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

language, the history of the world's religious and 
political developments, origin and growth of se- 
cret societies, manners and customs of all nations, 
treats broadly of architecture, mechanism, arts 
and science, taking you into a thousand channels 
heretofore unheard of. The illustrations are the 
great drawing card. In the department of me- 
chanics, for instance, if you read the description 
of an article and do not understand it, you could 
turn to the illustration and see it, plain as day- 
light. Besides all these features it has an extra 
department, giving all the speeches made by our 
leading politicians during the late campaign." 

Mr. R. (jokingly).— "But I can't read." 

Agent. — "You dont have to, Mr. Rice. This 
is the parrot edition. Just open one of the vol- 
umes and it speaks for itself." 

Mr. R. — "I have a dictionary. I think I can 
make that do." 

Agent. — "For heaven's sake, man, don't com- 
pare an encyclopedia to a dictionary. One is a 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 313 

collection of words only; the other a complete 
compendium of subjects. In fact, the encyclo- 
pedia is both, combined in one. A dictionary 
gives you no information except on single words. 
There is absolutely no comparison." 

Mr. R. — "But I never take time to read." 

Agent. — "You can't make me believe that. The 
life and push of our country come from men who 
read. The hustlers who get to the front are men 
who read, and all solid business men are well 
posted. Now, you are one of the solid business 
men of the town, and I know you could not be 
where you are unless you were well informed. I 
can tell the educated man the moment I see him." 

Mr. R. — "You are getting along too fast. I 
don't pose for an educated man." 

Agent. — "I should hate to call you a prevari- 
cator, but they say around here that you are a 
great bookworm, and where there is smoke there 
is sure to be a little fire," 



314 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

Mr. R. (feeling complimented). — "How are 
your books bound?" 

Agent. — "In fine Russia leather, gilt-edged. 
They are designed for first-class libraries only." 

Mr. R. — "And the collections?" 

Agent. — "You can remit through the banks. 
The First National will be our agent here." 

Mr. R.— "Shall I remit weekly?" 

Agent. — "Oh, you can drop your fifty cents in 
a cigar box and send it in once a month. With 
business men like you that is all right." 

Mr. R. — "Well, I might as well take a set now 
and be done with it. I see you will stick to me like 
a porous plaster to a lame back until I do." 

If I had gone through the entire argument 
after this fashion with every purchaser I would 
not be alive now. Thank goodness, they were not 
all quite so hard on a fellow as Mr. Rice ; and yet, 
when I began canvassing in the book business, do 
you know who I practiced on ? The toughest cus- 
tomer I could find, one who was able to buy, but 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 315 

from whom I felt certain I would not get a red 
cent. 

I would argue on the good points of the work 
I was selling, and do all in my power to get an 
order, even though nine times out of ten I failed. 
Of course, when I got through I was terribly 
wound up, but I knew that my time had not been 
lost. I found out the weak points of my argu- 
ment, and on the second customer I could cor- 
rect my errors. I would keep this up for several 
days. It gave me good, practical experience, and 
in a short time I had a canvass strong enough to 
fsce anybody, and success followed me like a 
tramp does the odor of a good dinner. 

I found that it paid to advertise. On coming 
into a town I would visit the newspaper offices 
and pay for little personal paragraphs, announc- 
ing my arrival and stating my business. This 
served to introduce me. By reading the follow- 
ing samples you will see that I desired to impress 
the people with the belief that I was a man of 



316 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

great importance, and I generally succeeded. The 
Stormville Banner, for instance, would say: 

"Mr. S. J. Weldon, representing prominent 
publishing houses in New York, is in the city, 
having arrived last night. During his stay he will 
endeavor to interest the literary people of Storm- 
ville by introducing the latest edition of Banner's 
encyclopedia, of which 70,000 copies have been 
sold. He makes a most novel proposition, and 
ought to be well received and do a flourishing- 
business. Mr. Weldon bears the enviable reputa- 
tion of being the most successful agent in his line 
in the United States and Canada, his sales so far 
this year footing up to the enormous sum of over 
five thousand sets/' 

Here is another: 

"Prof. S. J. Weldon, the gentleman who is with 
us this week selling Banner's encyclopedia, re- 
cently wagered one hundred dollars with a gen- 
tleman of Hilt City, which town is twice as large 
as ours, and where he sold seventy sets, that he 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 317 

would be equally successful in Stormville. Which 
will win the wager? That depends on which of 
the two towns prove the more appreciative." 

This advertisement I used when I came across 
two rival towns. It worked up a patriotic excite- 
ment and assisted greatly in making sales. An- 
other effective article read as follows : 

"Prof. S. James Weldon, president of one of 
New York's largest literary clubs, arrived in the 
city last evening. He furnishes the new edition 
of Banner's encyclopedia and will call on our pro- 
fessional and business men in the interests of that 
magnificent work. Afterwards he will organize 
here a branch club of his parent society, the ob- 
ject being educational advancement and social in- 
tercourse. Gold prizes will be given the members 
making the best progress, and twice a year the 
local assembly will be represented at the grand 
lodge by two delegates. Once a year the grand 
lodge takes a tour around the world. Prof. 
Weldon was one of the party the last trip, and 



318 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

says they were royally entertained by their for- 
eign friends. He will, in a few days, call a pri- 
vate meeting of our leading citizens and address 
them in the interest of the enterprise/' This ad. 
always gave me a wonderful prestige. 

At the present day the publishers take a larger 
hand in scheming than formerly, yet the principal 
methods remain much the same. For instance. 
Books are advertised at a high price, but at the 
same time an offer is made to place a few sets 
with certain leading citizens at a greatly reduced 
figure. No information is given in regard to 
terms, but prospective purchasers are invited to 
write for particulars. Those letters of inquiry 
are sent to agents traveling for the house, and one 
of them drops into the town and tells Mr. Cus- 
tomer that he has made a special trip from New 
York or. Chicago to see him personally. In the 
interview the agent brings all his batteries to 
bear; broadsides, mostly loaded with flattery, 
are poured into the victim's ear, and generally a 



TWENTY YEARS A ^AKIR. 319 

sale is landed. The neatest dodge I have ever 
seen is one originated by a Chicago firm. Cou- 
pons are given to the amount of the purchase, 
which are good at certain stores for ten per cent, 
of the price of any article purchased there, such 
an arrangement having been made with the mer- 
chants who are in the field to draw custom. If a 
man buys a fifty dollar set of books the company 
gives him fifty dollars worth of coupons. He 
buys, say five dollars worth of goods. He would 
pay four dollars and fifty cents in cash and fifty 
cents in coupons, thereby in the end virtually get- 
ing his books free. If the merchant would stand 
that the customer surely could. 

Canvassing in the larger cities is very hard 
work, more so than in the smaller towns. So 
many of the office buildings have a sign hung up 
like the following: 

"No Agents or Canvassers Allowed." 
I have w T orked such places in the garb of an ex- 
press messenger, and though the janitor may 



320 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

have suspected my visits were unduly long he 
gave me no trouble. I have used the clerical uni- 
form, both in such places and in small towns, with 
good effect. When I visited a town that was a 
railroad division point the garb of a railroad man 
suited me to a charm. I would pose as an eastern 
railroader on a lay-off, making a tour of the coun- 
try and canvassing to help out. 

In working the smaller towns I found that a 
rumor circulated to the effect that I was a for- 
eign detective on the trail of some noted criminal 
was of great assistance. It would work a sort of 
undercurrent in my favor and give me prestige 
with a customer I otherwise could not get. It 
was really amusing at times to watch the crowds 
whispering to each other and sizing me up as I 
walked down the street. The thought of having 
a real live detective in their midst would always 
arouse their curiosity. 

Thus, in selling books, and especially encyclo- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 321 

pedias, I varied my canvass to suit my respective 
locations. 

I found that I had to be constantly on the watch 
to adapt the method of my approach to the nature 
of the individual. One man had to be taken by 
storm; another would surrender only after the 
slow process of a long continued seige. With 
some I made a strong argument upon subjects 
with which they were not supposed to be inti- 
mately acquainted; with others I had to call at- 
tention to the very points which they oftenest 
touched in their everyday life. With lawyers I 
had to confine my remarks a great deal to legal 
questions and debates; with doctors, to medicine 
and surgery; with ministers, to theology and the 
sciences and it was generally safe to ply a school 
teacher with such things as art, poetry and the 
classics, or a newspaper man with matters of gen- 
eral information. For merchants I had a little 
song about free trade or tariff, income taxes, im- 
ports and exports, the price of grain and the like, 



322 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

and to mechanics, blacksmiths and builders I 
talked of machines and materials. Again, there 
were others who seemed to want to get away as 
far as possible from the grooves in which their 
own lives were running, and these people I had at 
a decided disadvantage unless their range of 
reading was a great deal wider than that of the 
average of their class. 

Here is an instance of my manner of approach- 
ing customers : 

I would walk rapidly into a man's office, as 
though it was the place I had been looking for ail 
the time. I would state that I was directed to 
him as a gentleman well versed in literature and 
learning, and as that sort of sympathy was what 
I desired to meet in my business I thought I 
would run in as I was passing by, see him, intro- 
duce myself, and promise him a call by and by. 
Then I would start for the door, but stop as I 
turned the knob, make some suggestion in regard 
to his being considered authority on literature, 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 323 

start for the door again, and draw him into ques- 
tioning me, asking me of what books I was speak- 
ing, and the like. Then I was safe. If I could 
get a man who was able to purchase to ask me 
questions, and then listen to what I had to say, I 
was reasonably certain of a sale. 

A man who can buy, and won't buy, is like the 
bird that can sing and won't sing. If you can once 
get him interested, and continue the argument 
without in any way exciting his anger, he can be 
made to buy. In handling a hard customer I 
found it a good plan sometimes to continue talk- 
ing, without giving him much chance to say a 
word. I paid no attention to the objections he 
offered, knowing that in most cases they were of 
no weight with him, but only made as a pretext 
to get rid of me. I just kept on with my argu- 
ment, and pretty soon he would be apt to come to 
time and think perhaps I was talking sense after 
all. If I felt him slipping through my fingers I 
talked all the harder, until, perhaps, the man 



324 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

would give me an order for the sake of my pure 
audacity and to get rid of me. 

Sensitiveness was a quality I absolutely dis- 
carded, substituting what some people would call 
cheek and gall of the purest and most unadulter- 
ated grade. 

Did I always make people buy? Well, not al- 
ways; but with fair subjects at least two out of 
ten would succumb, and in the encyclopedia busi- 
ness that would mean big money for a working 
day. 

As a rule, a man is less easy to sell to than "a 
woman. A woman is more accustomed to buy- 
ing just as she has the money and opportunity. 
A man usually makes up his mind in advance, 
goes at his leisure to some local merchant and 
makes his deliberate selection. An agent drops 
in on him when all thought of making a purchase 
is far from him. There's the rub. I might have 
to go around such a man cautiously for half an 
hour to eet him interested. 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 325 

To do so successfully his curiosity must be 
aroused and his attention fixed. I would ask him 
if he had ever heard such and such a passage in 
a certain story. Then I would quote some very 
beautiful and touching extracts, or comical ones, 
which would make him laugh. In some way I 
started him in a desire to see the books. Then I 
was safe. 

Perhaps the most pitching part of all my argu- 
ments was where I used flattery. If given in the 
right place and in the proper proportions, like the 
axe and the chicken, it always reached the neck. 

It is not always easy for an agent or canvasser 
to gain an entrance to a private house, unless he 
uses some trick or wile to fit the occasion. Usu- 
ally I found it the best plan to leave a sample vol- 
ume at my first call, never offering to go beyond 
the door, and stating to the lady that it was for 
her husband to look at, but it would be a grati- 
fication if she would examine it herself, if the 
book excites the least interest the way will be 



326 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

opened for a subsequent call. I have appeared at 
the door, when my ring was answered, as just 
drawing a big bunch of letters from my pocket. 
Accidently dropping two or three of them on the 
porch, I would politely ask the lady of the house 
if I could not assort them on a table. Believing 
that I had one for her she would invite me in. I 
was the inventor, I believe, of the envelope ad- 
dressed to "the lady of the house/' but I always 
had my little sample package, or nicely printed 
table of contents, addressed to the lady personally. 
Having gained an entrance, I presented this and 
then stated my business, finding little trouble in 
securing an audience. 

Once, when I was trying to sell some books to 
a man, I had him interested, as I thought, but 
could not close the deal. While talking to him he 
pulled out his pipe and prepared for a smoke. 
Taking a cigar from my pocket I said, "My 
friend, try a twenty-five cent cigar." 

The thought of smoking a twenty-five cent 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 32? 

cigar pleased him. He took it with a smile; the 
weed did the work; I got the order. After that 
I always carried a few goods cigars in my pocket. 

Another time I remember going into a place of 
business and telling the proprietor I had just come 
from Hartsburg, his former home — I posted my- 
self on the points before calling — and that while 
there I had met General Ball, who sent his re- 
gards. He had requested me to call and show his 
old friend what I had so interested the people of 
Hartsburg. In fact, he had given me a note of 
introduction — here I fumbled unsuccessfully in 
my pocket — but it seemed to have been mislaid, 
over which I appeared to be very much distressed. 
But I went through my canvass all right. I had 
gained the man's attention and sold him a set of 
encyclopedias. 

A great many of the people would put me off 
until I came around again. With a general line 
of books I could use the closing out racket or the 
fire sale dodge. With encyclopedias I had a dif- 



328 TWENTY YEARS A PAKItt. 

ferent story, explaining, perhaps, that this would 
be my last trip under present conditions. Before 
I could come again the international copyright 
law would go into effect. The last congress had 
passed a law whereby a copyright in another 
country held good in this, and when the law be- 
gan to operate there would be a cash royalty of 
sixty per cent, to be paid on all copyrighted 
works. We had thirty thousand sets on hand and 
to avoid this large outlay on royalty we were 
going to unload a large portion at the mere cost 
of production, and by taking advantage of my 
offer now there would be a saving of one hundred 
per cent. This was always safe, because the in- 
ternational copyright law has been talked of for 
a hundred years, and today not one man in a 
thousand has any accurate knowledge of what the 
law amounts to, or how it affects the publishing 
business. 

Alertness once got me an order for the most 
expensive and finest edition of the Banner ency- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 329 

clopedia. I approached a Mexican gentleman of 
education and wealth, but his manner was such 
that I had little hope. Incidentally, I asked his 
name. It happened to be the same as that of a 
noble Mexican general, whose biography was 
given in the book. I called his attention to the 
fact, and suggested that they were branches from 
the same family tree. Perhaps they were. At 
any rate he thought so and ordered a set with an 
eye to having the recorded history of his geneal- 
ogy. So much for knowing what was in the books 
I sold. 




CHAPTER XVIII. 



Rebuffs and Insults — The Lawyer, the 
Doctor and the Coon — Avoiding a License 
— Working the City Marshal — Jokes with 
the Milliner — Banking Twelve Thousand 
Dollars. 

I do not care how careful and polite a man may 
be, he is always bound to meet with occasional in- 
sults. I found the three classes who were most 
apt to be insulting were those who were in 
straightened circumstances, those jealous of the 
prosperity of another, and those who were by na- 
ture rude and devoid of average sense. I always 
tried to confine my calls to the better class of peo- 
ple, and for that reason ,met with few insults, 
though I would occasionally drift into the wrong 
channels. Sometimes I gave as good as I got, 
and if I stretched the truth a little my conscience 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 331 

did not smite me so long as I felt I had gotten 
fairly even. 

Once I dropped in on an attorney, who was 
actually doing nothing but smoking a cigar and 
reading a paper covered novel. After I had intro- 
duced myself and was stating my business he said 
bearishly: "No, I don't want your books." 

"But—" said I. 

"See here, young fellow," he interrupted with- 
out giving me a chance to talk, "I don't want you 
to bother me. That's the trouble with you fel- 
lows. You just bore the life out of a man. Get 
out of here as quick as you can." 

With that he pointed to the door. 

'Well, sir," I said, "I will go. But I did not 
come up here to sell you anything. I wanted to 
engage an attorney in a matter that invQlves a 
great deal of money. One of the large concerns 
in your city is about to fail. My brother, who is 
a jobber in Chicago, has a claim against this firm, 
and, as I was coming here, he telegraphed me to 



332 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

look after it. I was advised to call on you, and 
came in with the intention of giving you the case. 
I am glad I found you out in time. I certainly 
would not throw a thousand dollars into the 
hands of a man too ungentlemanly to allow me to 
state my business. 

All the time I was speaking he was rubbing his 
hands together in an excited manner and was 
ready to apologize, but when done I walked off as 
rapidly as I could. To this day he is probably 
regretting the loss of a big fee. I hope so, and 
that it made him more polite in the future. 

Shortly after this I called on a colored grocer 
of the name of White, who was busy with some 
customers when I entered. Looking up he asked 
me what line I was in, and I told him, 'The Ban- 
ner Encyclopedia." 

"Well," he said, in a smart-Aleck tone, "I don't 
want your 'cyclopedy." 

"But I have a special proposition to make and 
will drop in again when you are not so busy." 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 333 

"Look heah," he answered, "yo' needn't come 
ag'in; I kain't wase no time on you fellows, and 
I wouldn't buy books from an agent nohow." 

"I am not selling books, sir," I replied. "Lam 
getting up an encyclopedic directory of prominent 
business men. But excuse me, Mr. White, I 
didn't know the proprietor here was a colored 
man, and as we don't care to have niggers in our 
directory I'll not bother you any more." 

This last remark cut him deeply, but he had in- 
sulted me and I felt I had a right to answer him 
back. I think I showed him the difference be- 
tween a colored gentleman and a nigger, if he 
never knew it before. 

At another time I called on a physician, and 
when I explained my business he said to me with 
a pitying smile : 

"So you are selling books, eh? Well, young 
man, you have my sympathy. You are the most 
useless article to be imagined, and you don't seem 
to know it." 



334 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

"Sympathy to the devil/' I exclaimed, angered 
more by his manner than his words. "Look 
at me and see if I need your sympathy. Here am 
I, with a fine tailor-made suit, a fifty dollar over- 
coat, patent leather shoes, diamonds all over me, 
traveling over the country, stopping at first-class 
hotels, having a good time and making money 
hand over fist. Does that look as though I needed 
your sympathy ?" 

"Now/' I continued, "here you are, wearing a 
baggy pair of pants with fringe at the bottom, a 
shabby coat and vest that are old enough to vote, 
and a slouch hat that is not fit for a dog to wear. 
You sit in a little dingy 2x4 office, waiting for 
some sucker to come in and give you a dollar for 
a prescription. You eke out a miserable exist- 
ence and see no real living at all. You are the 
man who needs sympathy, and I assure you, you 
have mine from the bottom of my heart." 

With that I left him, too thunderstruck to 
answer me back. Of course, my talk to him was 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 335 

not business, but it was a heap of satisfaction. 

I have already touched on the matter of license. 
Notwithstanding I carried that decision of the 
United States supreme court in my pocket, I 
found that in some places the marshals were in- 
clined to enforce some miserable city ordinance, 
without paying attention to the rulings of the 
higher powers. As I canvassed one day and de- 
livered another, the most of them had to acknowl- 
edge that I was not selling outright, nor peddling. 

Sometimes I thought it better to make arrange- 
ments to do my business through a local firm. By 
mentioning this fact to the chief of police and the 
license inspector I was generally allowed to go 
unmolested. 

I recall one experience in which I avoided diffi- 
culty with a bull-headed official. It will serve as 
an example of methods sometimes used. 

I went to an express office to get some samples 
my house had sent me. The agent, seeing that I 
was a canvasser, gave me some pointers on the 



336 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

license questtion. He told me he was once in the 
same business and wanted to put me on my guard. 
I would find the new city marshal an obstinate 
fellow, who could not be worked. He was a reg- 
ular old crank who would show no mercy to can- 
vassers. I would either have to take out a license 
or run my chance of being arrested. As the li- 
cense was so high as to be practically prohibitive 
the chances of doing business without a lawsuit 
did not seem encouraging. 

Well, I thanked the agent and then worked the 
town without paying any license. How did I do 
it? This way: 

Learning the marshal's name, I called upon 
him, introducing myself as the representative of 
a well-known eastern paper. I explained that I 
was writing up the country, and that this city was 
considered one of the most enterprising places in 
the state. I also stated that he was recognized 
as one of the most prominent citizens, and that I 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 337 

had stopped off on purpose to get his biography 
for publication. 

He was tickled to death and smiled an 8xio 
smile. I touched up his vanity all through the 
conversation, and got his history from the time 
he left the cradle until he landed in the city' mar- 
shal's chair — and it made mighty good reading 
when I wrote it out. I'll bet his hat didn't fit him 
that night. 

When I finished the "write-up," I conversed 
with him a few moments on general topics, and 
then said: 

"By the way, Mr. Marshal, my house is turn- 
ing out a new encyclopedia in twelve volumes. Do 
you think I could do any business here in that 
line?" 

He said the best way was to try. I explained 
all about the encyclopedia, stating that I only 
called on the upper ten, because they alone appre- 
ciated the best books. We usually only made the 
larger cities; but this was such a metropolitan lit- 



338 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

tie place I thought I might get enough orders to 
justify a shipment and to pay the expense of the 
write-up I was making. Would he kindly give 
me the names of the most prominent people ? 

He not only gave me the names, but told me to 
go ahead ; that no one should bother me. I made 
one hundred and seven dollars in that town, and 
went away with as large a smile on my face as 
the one the marshal wore while I was writing up 
his life. 

I also found it a good idea to be supplied with 
a stock of jokes which could be used to fit almost 
any occasion. I had a natural sense of the ludi- 
crous, anyway; and if I came across anything in 
the comic papers which might be of value I did 
not hesitate to salt it down for future use. As 
an instance of application, the following: 

I dropped into a millinery store after an order 
for the encyclopedia. When I had spoken for a 
few moments to the proprietress, telling her that 
the book was full, complete and unabridged* 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 339 

treating of every subject that could be known or 
mentioned, she asked me jokingly if it had any 
good cooking recipes. 

"Why, certainly," I answered; [Til read you a 
few of them." 

To Make Clear Soup. 

Take two pints of water, wash thoroughly on 
both sides, pour into a deep dish, and stir around 
in the kitchen until tired. 

Stomach Cake. 

Line a small boy with green apples and cticum- 
bers. This can be prepared on short notice. 
Lemon Pie. 

Line a pie tin with puff paste, put in your 
lemons, build a lattice over the top and bake three 
weeks. 

Calves' Foot Jelly. 

Get trusted for a Chicago calf — they have the 
largest feet. Cut off the calf, which can be used 
for making hash or chicken salad, add a few mo- 
lasses, strain through a cane-bottom chair, pour- 



340 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

in a blue bowl with pictures on it, set it in the 
shade to get tough, and then send to a friend con- 
templating suicide. 

I have heard that the female sex are deficient in 
the sense of humor, but the milliner laughed 
heartily at these jokes, which happened to be new 
to her, and signed the contract for a set without a 
struggle. 

Virtually I was in the book business for over 
nine years, in which time I handled scarcely any- 
thing else. 

You may be sure I was acquainted with every 
wile and artifice of the trade. I had traveled all 
over the United States and Canada, visiting" all 
the principal cities and interviewing the governor 
and other officers in each state and territory. I 
had crossed the continent, from the Atlantic to 
the Pacific, thirty-two times. For years I seemed 
to have success without a break, and I dreaded no 
more of being "busted." All the time my bank 
account was growing, and in one year of pros- 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 341 

perity I banked twelve thousand dollars in clear 
cash while selling encyclopedias. 

How was that for a fakir? I will not say that 
I was tired of the life; but it began to look as 
though, like Alexander, I had no more worlds to 
conquer. Was it a wonder or was it not that I 
found I could go a step farther? 

The succeeding chapters will tell. 



i 



CHAPTER XIX. 



The Real Estate Fake — Booming a Town 
— Making a Fortune — Tricks of Other Peo- 
ple — All This World Is a Fake and Every 
Person in It a Fakir — The Politician and 
the Widow— A Diamond Ring for Two 
Cents. 

"Almost twenty years in the faking and book 
business. How times flies ; and yet I have gained 
enough experience in those twenty years to last 
a lifetime." 

So I mused one day while tilted back in my 
chair in front of the "Ashland" hotel, the princi- 
pal house in a western town, which perhaps you 
may recognize under the name of Buxton. 

I remember, as distinctly as though the time 
was yesterday, all the surroundings of that little 
town. The place was on the eve of a boom, and 
the best informed were in a fever of excitement 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

over its prospects. I took out my bank book and 
looked over its pages. 

No. The past ten years of my life had not 
been wasted. Each succeeding page showed a 
record of profits and gains, even though it was 
only when I switched from street selling and the 
like to the handling of a general line of books, 
and a little later on to the exclusive traveling in 
the interests of the Banner encyclopedia, that for- 
tune seemed really coming at my command. 

I had then what was a fair little fortune laid 
by. Of late years I had been always a winner, 
and felt sure that I could carry the "Banner" suc- 
cessfully for many years to come. Even in the 
little bits of speculation in which, more for the 
sake of diversion than profit, I had been engaged 
success had invariably crowned my efforts. Why 
should I not launch out more boldly? I believed 
I saw a chance to make thousands in the time I 
was taking to make hundreds, and without the 
possibility of any great loss. And if I did lose, 



844 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

what matter, since I had strength and experience 
through which I could soon recoup myself? 

The speculative fever had me, and sitting in 
that up-tilted chair I decided to hit the game for 
what it was worth before the fever rose with the 
rest of the world to its full height, thus giving 
me the best chance to be in shape and ready for 
the crisis. I bought a piece of land adjoining 
Buxton and had it cut up into building lots. I 
sold them all when the boom came for twelve dol- 
lars each. The deals were managed by local real 
estate agents, and after paying them their com- 
mission I found that on an investment of four 
thousand dollars I was six thousand ahead. Hav- 
ing bought at the right time there never was any 
danger that I would lose; while, as I had ex- 
pected, I came out a handsome winner. 

This speculation encouraged me to dabble in 
real estate on a larger scale. I realized that it 
was not like the old days when one waited for 
years while the land slowly grew into value, but 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 345 

that with smart, far-seeing heads at the front for- 
tunes might be made in a single night. I looked 
over the map and kept my ear to the ground, 
waiting for another favorable opportunity. 

I found it at Harwood, where I bought several 
sections of land, which I cut up into tow-n lots, 
holding them, at the outset, at thirty dollars a 
lot. As before, I had local land agents interested, 
who, seeing big money for themselves, assisted 
me in all kinds of schemes to boom the property. 

They built — on paper — three railroads, a mag- 
nificent union depot, machine shops and factories, 
an opera house, and a line of street cars. There 
was in reality as fine a bit of water power at Har- 
wood as one would want to see, and the site had 
other advantages. We got the attention of the 
people of the state turned in that direction by ad- 
vertising, hired a job lot of engineers to survey 
for the three railroads, and got as far as to start 
the foundation of a two million dollar college. 
The street car lines were brought to the attention 



346 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

of eastern capitalists, who own the franchise to 
this day. Outside people put in money and then 
came to look after it. One of the railroads was 
actually constructed, and another broke ground; 
the water power was turning the wheel of a real 
mill; a handsome court house stood in the public 
square; there was a hotel or two on Central ave- 
nue fit to grace any little city; there was a popu- 
lation that had risen from four hundred to four 
thousand, and more coming, and every evidence 
of prosperity, when I sold out my last lots. I had 
already seen some of my thirty dollar lots go up 
to three hundred, while the poorest land owner in 
the original town would have made a fortune if 
he had held on long enough. But I knew how to 
quit and when to quit. With a hundred thousand 
dollars to the good I retired gracefully, and be- 
fore the turn of the tide. There were plenty of 
persons in after years to say, "If Weldon had 
stayed with us the boom would not have col- 
lapsed/ ' But Weldon did not stay. I knew it 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 347 

was only a question of time when the inflated 
values would take a tumble, so I stood from under 
and lost not a dollar in the wreck. 

Since this successful venture I have been in 
numerous speculative deals, and the quality of 
being ever on the alert, acquired while faking in 
different capacities, has stood me well in my later 
career. I have always felt to a moment how long 
it was a sure thing to hold on, and have never 
been caught in a crash. Perhaps I have at times 
been too conservative, but I tell you, gentlemen, 
there is nothing like playing on velvet. 

As to the methods by which I made my for- 
tune, I have no desire to offer an excuse for them, 
and yet a few words may here be in order, to call 
attention to the fact that there are other fakirs in 
the world besides the man who travels with mi- 
croscopic look-backs and goldentine pens. Be- 
fore the reader undertakes to criticise me harshly 
let him look and see what is done every day in 
channels of "legitimate trade." I admit that I 



348 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

practiced trickery during my years on the road, 
but I claim that any man is justified to use it in 
gaining his point, providing he does not misrep- 
resent merits and gives value received. Show me 
the man who has not the ability to draw custom- 
ers to him, or sense to employ business tact and 
trickery, and I will show you a man who will 
never amount to much in the world. His brethren 
in the trade are using them every day, and they 
are the ones who succeed. 

If a merchant advertises a special sale, and 
gives you a yard of calico for three cents which 
cost him five, does he not throw out a leader to 
lure you into his store so that he can sell you 
something else at a profit? I remember once, 
walking down a business street in a large city, I 
saw twenty dummies in front of a clothing store, 
each of them cased in an overcoat of extra fine 
material. Hung to each one was a large placard : 
"Special Sale of Overcoats Today. 
Your Choice $4.98." 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 349 

I picked on one I thought would suit me and 
went inside to buy it. When I told the salesman 
what I wanted he said, "Those goods on the out- 
side are not in the special sale; but here are the 
$4.98 coats," and he pointed to a pile of inferior 
garments. Of course, they caught customers by 
the scheme, and was it not trickery? 

Once I asked a preacher who was managing a 
church fair why it was they talked so strongly 
against lotteries and gambling, and then had so 
many schemes of chance at their fair, and so many 
of the young ladies working among the boys to 
catch their little ten cent pieces. He replied thai 
without special features of some kind a crowd 
could not be drawn and the effort would end in 
failure. Isn't this trickery? 

Do not understand me to be against the preach- 
ers. I am now a member of the church and an 
earnest advocate of religion. I am simply show- 
ing up the true side of life and human nature. 

Is there any bigger grafter for fees than the 



350 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

average lawyer or doctor ? Go into his office and 
before he will name a price he will size you up 
and soak you accordingly. 

Once I shipped a crate of picture frames to a 
town, the shipping agent telling me the rate was 
fifty-three cents. When I came to pay at the other 
end the rate was one dollar and six cents. The 
freight clerk told me that when shipped at owner's 
risk the rate was fifty-three ; otherwise it was one 
dollar and six cents. Was not that trickery — 
and robbery besides ? 

Did you ever see a more unprincipled trickster 
than the average politician? Here is an illustra- 
tion. In a certain county of a great state there 
were two candidates for the nomination for the 
office of county superintendent of schools ; one, a 
man without a family; the other, a widow lady 
with two children. They were about equal in 
strength and it was uncertain which would win. 
The man, wanting to get his opponent out of the 
way, made her the proposition that if she would 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 351 

withdraw and support him, and he was elected, 
he would make her his deputy and divide the pro- 
ceeds of the office equally between them. She 
accepted and gave her whole time to the cam- 
paign. After the election he tried to ignore her 
entirely, swore that he had never entered into 
such an agreement, and on top of that circulated 
all sorts of scandalous reports concerning her. 
The poor woman took all this so to heart that she 
committed suicide, throwing two orphan children 
upon the world — and they were girls at that. Was 
not that the worst kind of trickery, treachery, 
knavery and hypocrisy? I call it murder in the 
first degree. 

Once, when I was in the west, I stopped at the 
only hotel there was in the town, the proprietor 
being also a banker. The hotel made me a rate of 
ten dollars a week, and at the end of the seven 
days I tendered a draft for twenty-five dollars, 
which I had received from my firm that morning. 
The banker claimed I could not be sufficiently 



352 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

Identified and refused to cash my paper, but 
agreed to send it in for collection. He kept me 
there three days, waiting for money, and at the 
end of that time charged, in addition to the ten 
dollars for the week, two dollars per day for the 
extra three days, and seventy-five cents for col- 
lection. Now, wasn't that robbery as well as 
trickery? I knew T he had "worked" me, for he 
could not send the draft to New York and get re- 
turns in three days. 

In North Dakota there were two undertakers. 
One was poor, the other rich and owner of the 
only hearse in town. A poor man's wife died. 
He found that he could buy a coffin at the smaller 
establishment for a great deal less than from the 
other. He ordered it, but when he called to make 
arrangements for the hearse the proprietor would 
not let him have it, because the coffin was not 
bought at his place. The poor man was forced to 
go to the next town and procure a hearse. That 
seems even worse than trickery. 



TWENTY YEAHH A FAKIR. 353 

There is a large concern in Chicago which ad- 
vertises to send you a one hundred dollar dia- 
mond ring for a two-cent stamp ; and they do it, 
too. Here is the way the scheme is worked : An 
agent of the company sells you a ticket or coupon 
for one dollar. You send the ticket and nine dol- 
lars in cash to the firm, which in turn sends you 
ten other coupons. You sell these coupons to 
your friends for one dollar each, thereby getting 
your money back. Your friends must each do the 
same as you did, selling their coupons to their 
friends. As soon as your friends send the money 
they have collected you get your diamond, and 
when their friends do likewise each one -of your 
friends gets his. So, you see, while the company 
is paid for the goods sent out, each man actually 
gets a hundred dollar diamond ring for a stamp. 
Now, isn't that up-to-date trickery ? It is a sort of 
endless chain scheme, and is actually being car- 
ried on by a responsible firm in Chicago. 

A great many times in my travels I have no- 



m 5 TTPMt? ¥&jm$ A. FAKIH. 

tieed that the Salvation Army are particularly 
fond 6-f holding meetings in front of those hotels 
which are most patronized by traveling men. The 
reason is obvious. They have an eye for the col- 
lections they invariably take up,. and there is not 
a .more cheerful giver on earth than the traveling 
man. I remember once seeing the Army collect 
twenty-eight dollars in front of a certain hotel, 
and then march up the street and work the next 
one. I do not censure them; I approve of their 
work, but I say this is trickery just the same. 

One of the worst things in the line of trickery 
and fraud is the system of paying in scrip by cer- 
tain corporations. These companies have their 
own stores, and in order to force the men to buy 
at them they pay wages in scrip, which is virtu- 
ally only an order for goods at the company con- 
cern. Is not this an outrage? Officers and man* 
agers who are honored and respected wherever 
they go have the men work like slaves, and in- 
stead of paying in cash give them a due-bill, good 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 355' 

in trade alone,- and only at the company store at 
that. By going through a lot of red tape, waiting 
perhaps three or four weeks, these due-bills can be 
cashed at ten per cent, discount. That is the best 
that can be done. Usually the laborer needs his 
money and thinks he is lucky if he can find some 
member of the company who will cash his order 
individually and on the spot at a discount of 
twenty-five per cent. Again, I call this robbery 
and trickery combined. 

When I first landed in San Francisco a hack- 
man led me to believe that he was a hotel runner 
and created the impression that I would get a free 
ride. x\ll houses there run a free bus. When I 
reached the hotel he charged me two dollars. 
Without a kick I paid it, as I might have known 
better than to trust him. 

In another city I noticed a case filled with a 
beautiful line of photographs. The following 
sign was in the center: 



356 TWENTY YEARB A FAKIR. 

These Elegant Cabinets Just 

$1.00 Per Dozen. Come Up and Have 

Your Picture Taken." 

You go upstairs and after the operator gets his 
camera fixed on you he tells you, by the way, that 
the photos are $1.00 per dozen unmounted; if 
you want them put on cards they are two dollars 
a dozen. Now, who in the world would want 
photos unless they were mounted on cardboard? 
If you don't put up the two dollars you get no 
pictures. 

An enterprising restaurant man put a sign in 
front of his place, advertising "Ham and eggs at 
ten cents. Beefsteak and potatoes ten cents, in- 
cluding coffee, bread and butter, etc." You go 
in to eat and on the bill of fare printed in very 
small letters you find the following: "All single 
ten cent dishes twenty cents; all twenty cent 
dishes twenty-five cents." 

I have seen instances on the road where hotel 
proprietors send their porters to the depot to yell 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 357 

at you when alighting from the train, "Free bus 
for such and such a hotel." When you ride from 
the depot to the hotel the ride is free, but when 
you go back from the hotel it costs you twenty- 
five cents. I know of hundreds of hotels that 
charge their transient trade two dollars a day and 
their local patrons three dollars a week. Every 
traveling man on the road will tell you this is 
true. Some landlords even seem to go beyond 
this. I -knew of one who was fond of getting up 
raffles, on perhaps a watch or a diamond ring, sell- 
ing tickets only to transient customers. The 
raffle never came off, though this landlord would 
always claim that it had, and give the name of 
some fictitious person as the winner. I am glad 
to say that he was eventually sent to the peniten- 
tiary. 

I could spend hours in calling attention to in- 
cidents like the foregoing, but what is the use? 
You can see, and you must know, that everybody 
is looking out for number one — every move, 



358 : rmWTY YE*R8 4 FAKIR- 

every thought and every word uttered seems tp 
have a selfish motive back of it You must look 
out for yourself, or go under for sure. Agre^t 
author once said that all the world is a stage, and 
all the persons in it merely players. He might 
have said, "All the world is a fake and all the per- 
sons on it merely fakirs." r 

Draw your own conclusions, then, from what 
I have written. Call me an unvarnished liar if 
you will, a dissembler, a hypocrite, a cheat, a 
dead-beat, what you like. To the untutored masses 
a successful fakir may seem to be all of these. 
You think his occupation is simply skinning the 
public. I know that his largest triumphs are in 
giving every man the full value for his money, 
and yet securing good profits for himself. Recon- 
cile the two if you can ; I did it long ago. Whether 
you succeed or not, if these pages have furnished 
you fair amusement I will be content: For no 
other reason were they written. , ; 






CHAPTER XX. 



■ . . Married and Settled .Down— -Retired and 
.Happy— A Pip in. the Lake— The, World Is 
Round and Wide — Farewell. 

In this narrative I have given a clear, compre- 
hensive view of a fakir's life, as I saw it in my 
own experience. I have made it no better and no 
worse, but just as I found it. In the years that I 
followed the calling I had many ups and downs, 
yet, on the whole, was constantly advancing. Be- 
fore I had been at it long I accepted temporary 
difficulties as a matter of course— unpleasant 
while they lasted, but certain not to be of great 
duration. Before long I grew to have the most 
utter and complete confidence in myself, and 
faced the problem of the hour without a doubt of 
success. If I ultimately quit the road it was be- 
cause, though still a young man, I could retire 
"with all my honors thick upon me." In other 



360 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

words, I was fixed far life, if I chose to spend my 
days in idleness. That I subsequently added to 
my wealth by other means was nothing against 
my success as a fakir. Indeed, I am rather in- 
clined to believe that the boom at Harwood was 
the greatest fake of all. 

After that, as I have already explained, I kept 
my eyes open for good things, and when they 
came along I caught them. 

One day when time was plenty on my hands I 
got to thinking : 
"How old are you. old boy?" I asked myself. 

"Thirty-eight," came the answer. 

"Thirty-eight. Is it possible ?" 

Yes, there was no denying it. Time had slipped 
along and I scarcely noticed it going. 

"Well, then," I said, "it seems high time you 
had a home of your own. There is something 
more than life at the hotels and boarding houses, 
in spite of its freedom. You ought to marry and 
settle down. You have a good income and could 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR, 361 

support a wife not only comfortably, but in 
luxury." 

Perhaps I was jesting with myself while talk- 
ing in this strain; but very soon I got in sober 
earnest, and began to believe I had made up my 
mind to become a benedict. 

I ran over a list of my lady friends. I knew a 
vast number of them casually, but was surprised 
to find with how few I had taken time to become 
more than incidentally acquainted. The list was 
not long, and I did not remember a single one that 
I would care to make my partner for life. 

Should it be Sally Jones, Martha White or 
Jane Smith? Gertie Thompson, Maggie Brown, 
Annie Dawson, Kate Jackson or Lizzie 
Moore? They all had their good qual- 
ities, or I would not have been apt 
to give them more than passing notice; but they 
had their defects, and having noticed them I ar- 
gued that I had less interest in them than a man 



362 TWEMW ^i^MBiN* **£*? 

should have in a lady- he expects to make his wife. 
I considered further. .- 

■> Are the objections serious enough to stand in 
the way? Let me see. 

"Sally Jones has red hair, and probably a bad 
temper must be under it. Martha White has a 
host of relations, and I might be expected to 
marry all of them; otherwise, she might do. Jane 
Smith is afflicted in the same manner. Gertie 
Thompson is mild-eyed and even-tempered, but 
hasn't enough spunk to take her own part — she's 
too good for me. Maggie Brown has a tyrant of 
a mother, whom I could not endure for a mother- 
. in-law, and four young lady sisters who take after 
the maternal pattern. Annie Dawson and Kate 
Jackson are beauties, but are too full of frivolity 
and coquettishness, while Lizzie Cleopatra Moore 
•(that is her full name) is broad-shouldered and 
masculine in build, and has pronounced views on 
i the equal rights question. 



TWENTY YEARS £ FAKIR. , 363 

"No. None of these ladies have the qualities 
I wish my wife to possess. 

"But who else do I know? 

"By jove, I have it 

"Miss Mattie Higbie, of course; the girl I made 
the subject of my first and only practice as a corn 
doctor. I owe that girl something for what I 
made her suffer, and if she lives, and is single, 
and seems to fill the bill, Til make honorable 
amends by offering myself in payment of the 
debt." 

How I came to think of her is a question. After 
all these years my remembrance of her was but 
hazy ; yet in the intervening time I had more than 
once thought of her, and the promise I had made 
myself that I would some day see her again, I 
had never chanced to be in her neighborhood, 
however, and her life since I saw her was a sealed 
mystery. 

Would she remember me ? Would she cherish 
an abiding hatred for the clumsy corn doctor 



364 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

who had once given: her so -much pain? No, that 
was hardly probable. I must have changed too 
much in the intervening time. When she saw me 
I wore no whiskers, and, in fact, was little more 
than a beardless boy, fairly disguised to act the 
part of a man. Now, a heavy brown mustache 
shaded my upper lip and side whiskers altered the 
expression of my face. 

"Don't wait," has always been my motto, and 
was the one I used on this occasion. The prepara- 
tions I had to make were few and simple, though 
I might be starting for a visit that would extend 
over months. 

I did not disguise the fact, however, that this 
might be the greatest wild-goose chase of my life. 
Why should I imagine that Miss Mattie Higbie 
had remained single through all these years, or 
that I would care to claim her if she had? That 

she had changed greatly was to be expected, and 
it might be I was preparing myself for a greater 
shock than I was aware of. Well, time should 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 365 

show. I might as well be doing this as anything 
else, and it cost no more. I traveled in a Pullman 
through lands I had once viewed from brake - 
beams of a box car, or the platform of the blind 
baggage, and possibly the same negro porter 
touched his hat and whisked off my clothes who 
had once shied a brick at my head. 

Yet in the place itself there was not so much 
change, but when I debarked from the train it 
seemed I had been there but yesterday. The same 
buildings, neither more nor less dingy, the same 
crowds thronging up and down the streets, or 
lounging idly on the same corners. So it looked, 
and when I sought out the hotel where I had once 
stopped there seemed to be no change either. I 
was half afraid to go in for fear the landlord 
would recognize me and whisper the lynchers 
would be on hand that night. 

I might have saved myself all trouble on that 
score. The house had changed hands, had been 
refitted on the inside and was quite an up-to-date 



afor twenty firkfts I ; fakir. 

hotel. : I registered and found myself at once very 
much at home. The next thing was to find out 
something about Miss Mattie, and here I was, f or 
the moment, at a loss, I did not care to mention 
her name until I had a clearer idea of what 
would be my course of procedure, and concluded, 
for a time at least, to trust to chance and my own 
resources. As a preliminary, I took a stroll out 
to the Higbie cottage. The house was there, but, 
alas, it knew the Higbies no more. Some other 
name was on the door, and for the moment I half 
fancied that all trace of my affinity was lost. I 
paced back towards the hotel, a sadder and a 
somewhat uncomfortably w T iser man. 

But was there ever an hour when luck was not 
with me ? As I sauntered through the business 
portion of the city my eyes fell upon the sign: 
''John J. Higbie, Real Estate and Insurance. Gen- 
eral Solicitor for the Stromboli." 

I had never heard of John J. Higbie before, 
but you may be sure the name sounded familiar. 



TWENTY YEARS A F&km. $6T 

I v . turned into the stairway and mounted the steps 
as though this had been my goal from the first. 

I found Mr. Higbie in his nicely furnished 
office. He was a well preserved veteran of the 
civil war, straight as a dart, keen as a sword, and, 
withal, as fine a specimen of the southern gentle- 
man as I wanted to deal with. He also bore un- 
mistakable evidences of prosperity. 

Without hesitating I opened my business. I 
had a few thousands loose and was looking for a 
safe little investment, which would give me busi- 
ness interests in that vicinity. If things pleased 
me I might have more to invest when I had ex- 
plored the ground. We talked business for an 
hour, and in that time I hardly thought of Mattie 
once. 

As I rose to go I remarked that his name, 
though not a common one, sounded very familiar, 
and asked if there were any more families by the 
same name living in the vicinity? 



868 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

No; he and his daughter Mattie were the only 
representatives there of the family. 

With that I knew I was on the right track, and 
took my leave. All things can come to the man 
who waits, and I was willing to enjoy my sus- 
pense for a little longer. I went away with a 
strong feeling of satisfaction. It is true I had put 
myself in line for making a deal of some thous- 
ands of dollars which I had never thought of two 
hours previously, but what of that? The invest- 
ment looked on the face of it as though it might 
be a good one ; and, anyhow, if I could find Mat- 
tie it would be cheap at two thousand dollars — 
profit or loss. I was already just that far gone. 

To make a long story short, I was on the right 
track. When' I mentioned to other people that I 
was transacting some business through Major 
Higbie it was not out of place to follow with a 
casual question about his family. In that w T ay I 
learned that Miss Mattie was a very popular lady, 
who presided over her father's house and table 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 30$ 

with dignity and grace. If she had never married 
it was not for -want of opportunities, but because 
probably the right man had not yet come. 

"Thank heaven/' said I to myself, "The right 
man is here now, but he was a long time coming. 
The next thing is to arrange a meeting." 

Major Higbie did that. I had not yet closed 
the original trade proposed, but in his mind I was 
surely destined to do it, and was now talking of 
other deals. The major invited me to his house 
to take supper and talk matters over. That was 
the way; I met Mattie the second time. 

Jove ! How handsome she looked. There was 
the same big blue eyes and the same tawny hair 
piled high on her head, but she had matured into 
a beautiful and glorious womanhood, which I 
could only wonder at and worship. Thinking- it 
over a little later on in the evenings I could not 
help but wonder that neither father nor daughter 
had apparently noticed my confusion, and I 
breathed a prayer of thanksgiving that I had not, 



370 TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 

as I was on the eve of doing, blurted out, "I am 
a corn doctor, selling corns, bunions and ingrown 
nails." Iliad rallied after that first bit of confu- 
sion, however, and we three passed a very pleas- 
ant evening. I was rich enough to feel satisfied ; 
had traveled all the country over,. and selling en- 
' cyclopedias had been a liberal education of itself. 
: When I went away I knew I had made a favor- 
able impression and was proud of it. 

The rest was a foregone conclusion. 

Of course, I never closed the land deal with 
the major, but I led him to think he would eventu- 
ally catch me. 

The days drifted along into weeks, and the 
weeks into months. I lived at my hotel, but had 
the run of the Major's house. Mattie and I be- 
came almost inseparable, and I think I had a 
pretty good idea of what the answer would be 
when I laid my heart and fortune formally at her 
feet. 

Five weeks later we left for the north on our 



TWENTY TEARS A FAKIR. 371 

wedding tour, and the first place we made any 
lengthened stay was at the old homestead, where 
I had passed the first years of my life. The old 
folks were still alive and welcomed us with open 
arms. 

Prosperity had been with them as well; but, 
alas, they showed too well the ravages of time 
and the marks left by labor. They were aged 
even beyond their years, while for Mattie and I 
time had seemed to stand still. 

We went to "meeting,". now held in a beautiful 
little church, instead of the old school house. The 
boys I had played with in my youth were there, 
grown into men, many of them old before their 
time. When I looked around I could see in every 
bent back, knotted hand and furrowed brow whaS 
I might have grown into,- and sh]u{Idered. 'Father 
probably understood my .thoughts, for on the way 
home, when I told him what money I had made> 
he said, "I am not sure, Jim, but perhaps you are 
right. At least I can see what you might have 



372 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

done had you stayed on the farm. And, Jim, your 
wife is charming." 

One day while in Chicago I said to my wife : 

"Mattie, do you remember the circumstance of 
a man calling on you a number of years ago who 
said he was a corn doctor and the awful mess he 
made in treating your foot?" 

"Do I remember him?" and her wrath seemed 
to rise at the thought. "I should say I do, and I 
would like to treat him — with — a dip in the lake." 

"Then, throw your husband in," I said, looking 
her straight in the face; "I am that corn doctor." 

She was so surprised at my answer that she 
could not say a word, but sat staring at me with 
wide open eyes. There we sat for some moments, 
looking into each other's faces, until both broke 
into a long and hearty laugh . 

All this occurred some years ago, and I don't 
think my wife has altogether overcome the desire 
to give me a dip in the lake. At any rate, if lever 
happen to displease her she says she thinks the 



TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 373 

time is surely coming to carry out her threat. 

I am now a happy and prosperous man. My 
family enjoys all of the comforts and many of 
the luxuries of life, and the sound of the wolf 
growling at the door is only a distant echo, re- 
minding me that once at times I was destitute, 
and that I should not forget those who are un- 
fortunate now. 

What more could a reasonable being ask for? 
Xo more, I am sure. 

As I said in my introductory remarks, this book 
is written with a view of showing the inner work- 
ings of a successful fakir, as well as to amuse 
those people generous enough to peruse its pages. 
I hope it has kept within its range. 

The world is round and wide, and on its sur- 
face is found all kinds of people. Some take to 
this and some to that occupation. All have not 
the same inclination, and therefore we should be 
generous in our thoughts towards those who do 
differently from us, 



374 TWENTY YEARS A FAKIR. 

In his way a blacksmith is as good as a doc- 
tor, a hod carrier as good as a merchant, a clerk 
as good as his employer, a cobbler as good as a 
lawyer, and a fakir as good as a statesman. The 
president of the United States is no better than 
the poorest man who helped to elect him. 

We have all equal chances to lose or make, as 
we ourselves show our capabilities. If we were all 
started from one point, on a road leading to some 
goal, we know by observation that some would 
falter and fall by the wayside, while others would 
go straight on to their destination. We see all 
this daily. 

But some of those who fall are persevering 

and rise to their feet, saying, "I will win; others 

have done it." Making a great effort, they start 

on their journey again, sometimes overtaking 

those who have been in the lead. These are the 

kind of men who make a success of their business, 

the men who take for their motto, " Never say 

fail." 

THE END. 



